haha,  yes aren't we.  The thing I realised was what I had to work out is how a nice person gets divorced.  Not so easy is it.

So you're working on the how and you know where you want to go, the next thing is when.  What happens if she never says she is moving on.  What if she keeps you dangling.  What if that is what she's doing.  

Lily good question
i haven't closed any doors on her as discussed but i will not hang on for ever.
Every summer bar the last two because of covid we drive to her home country and spend a month staying at her mothers flat, next summer may well be my last one as 2023 my son would be coming up to 17 and may not want to go and also there is a high possibility our separation/divorce goes badly and i cant bear to be near my stbx.

so my timelines are at the moment

stbx starts her counselling late November and it last 12 weeks so i want some form of direction by Jan/Feb 2022, hopefully she comes out of her own denial(or stops trying to manipulate me) as the armour you are all hammering on me is finding her out now and again.

By summer 2022 i have to have confirmation of whatever as it would have been a year since she came out and i am not prepared to feel like this much longer, 

I have a feeling early next year this will come to a natural head as i can be pushy and impatient just like anyone else and i really dont like the change between sort of calm and then bottoming out having had no happy in my life for several months, she is sucking the life out of me when it comes to things i should enjoy like taking the children bowling or seeing them getting a commendation from school.

waffling on, this time next year i expect/demand to know my direction for the last half of m life and we may still be living together but i firmly believe my plans to break free will be under way or the unimaginable has happened and she is bi and i am getting regular loving intimacy and we can work on her lesbian side together, but that does seem like a pleasant fiction as 2021 has been decidedly unpleasant.

jan/feb 2021  i want answers
Summer 2021 i want a firm decision
Autumn 2021 i have firm plans

i wonder how it will all pan out!

I honestly dont think my stbx will be like that, she is very level headed person normally and she is knows she is bingeing at the moment but she isnt surrounding herself with loads of randoms, she has picked up one very "close" friend (who i think is pursuing her) and one Bi lady who i believe she is in contact with.

My son isn't really my worry as he doesn't want much to do with either of us as he's 15 (bar food and clean clothes)
My daughter is 12 and just this morning we had a bit of a row as i put my foot down about her spending time with her, they went out yesterday for some time together and i was proved right as even though my daughter was moaning about going out with my stbx when i picked them up later my daughter even said thank you for the fun time they had, which is very rare at the moment.

We were discussing the children and how it would pan out with probably my son coming with me and my daughter going with stbx, and stbx did say but "if she comes with me how can i have my new life", it was 50/50 joke , i dint bite and said obviously my daughter would come to be with me when she was out. She was quite spiteful at the end of me talking at her for an hour as she said i was irritating her, she threw out some glib comment about we should split up as i obsess about everything. i really lost it and my manner changed to very hostile (not violent) but a fair bit of swearing aimed at her. i went out for some clear air and (ok it was a text) but she actually sent an apology which is something i don't ever remember her doing ever.

on more exciting news i have just applied for the shared ownership scheme with a view to part buying/part renting a house, also our family home i asked a good friend of mine who we bought/sold our old/new house with and said the market has got more expensive in the last 2.5 years since we moved so our house is worth a fair bit more than it was.

Agreed Soap
i am aiming for a three bed house if i get accepted for the scheme but i do expect that we will split boys to girls. my stbx just is not that mean( i hope)

if it turns out that she is then i am fully done with her as i would never expect that from her.

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 29, 2021 12:42 pm)

it's the two step, you are being played by her.

I say that with a lot of empathy, been there myself, and also with a lot of respect for you.  It is not your fault in any way whatsoever.  None Of This Is Your Fault.  It is all down to her.  She can blame her parents if she likes but she can't blame you.

the way I think of it is there are shallow and deep emotions.  You might go to the counter and butter up the person behind it so they will be more likely to give you a refund or whatever it is you want.  That pleasantry you offer is shallow emotion but it has an effect.    

Jamie, I don't think you can expect her to play fair or be nice.

sorry to be gloomy but I think you have to be prepared for things to get a bit worse yet as you get to know the woman you married.

Have you got family you can talk with?