JamieB, 

Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. Children are tough on parents in a divorce because the divorce is tough on children.  Then you toss in the homosexual parent issue and it just gets crazy.  My 19 year old son will have very little to do with his mother as he is still very mad at her three years after she came out and asked for a divorce.  I'm trying to finalize the divorce but my hopefully STBX is spending her time complaining about how I have to get our 19 year to see her.   Have you ever tried to get a 19 year old to do anything they don't want to do. 

Jamie - is it possible that you get the flack from your daughter because you're in the line of fire since "Mom" is not around much? It could be some acting out due to the situation. Hang in there, sometimes kids don't see eye to eye with one of their parents, but after some growing up, things change.


 

thanks all for input
Patience, thanks, that little ray of hope has given me just that, 2020 we were so tight nit as daughter and dad and then early 2021 she started walking ahead of me on the school run and it has got worse from there.

right i'm off to meet my friends for the day then pick up the stbx (there thats the first time i have called her that)!

Kids add a whole layer of complexity to our situation.  I wish there were resources out there for us, but like with everything else ... I suspect we're the ones writing the instruction manual by trial and error.

But I think it's really, really important to remember this: just because you're on the receiving end of a teenager's rage, it doesn't necessarily mean you're the one she's angry at.  She could be raging at you because you're the "safe" parent.  

Also, you can't remind them you're actually the victim, because guilt makes things worse.  So even as they know at some level they're punishing the wrong parent, they don't have the anger management skills to process their rage.  Not sure that makes total sense -- and it's not limited to teenagers, my daughter is doing this in her twenties.  It's a little easier because she's older.

Thanks for the input, the daughter stuff is helping as she went from BFF to demon in the space of a few weeks and i had/have no idea why.
picked up the stbx last night and spent most of the two hour drive home talking at her a bit to her annoyance but it was good blood letting for me, interesting moment when i said for me it would be better when she tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore rather than living in denial, she then turned to me and looked at me, i said "that was a knowing look" to which she denied. but my mindset really has shifted, i want the plaster ripped off quickly. i think the sooner she tells me what she wants from life (pending her "depression" getting better) the sooner i will be calm as i can put into action anyone of my plans i have been crafting over the last 4 months. To give it a Battle of Britain context, the pilots who flew always said waiting for the scramble was worse than when the bell rang and they had to leap into action. for me it feels the same (without getting shot at obvs). i just want to crack on.

i did manage to coax out of her that she did consider me her best friend but it was like pulling teeth, but then she said an odd thing about us staying best friends if we separated, i got a bit flummoxed and didnt really coherently reply. what i should have said is lets see how the separation/divorce pans out before we get to that bridge, i reacted a bit more in the "not a chance" way but i honestly do want an amicable separation/divorce 50/50 straight down the middle.

she starts her LGBT counselling in three weeks and its an initial 12 week course, i asked her what she wants to achieve from it but she doesn't know.

i will certainly keep a wary eye on her "becoming more  straight" if she thinks i am moving away too quickly, i would love to ping that one at her if it did happen as most of the insight/advice you guys have given has already played out.

i am almost now excitedly awaiting the day she tells me its over, i think its going to be liberating.
i just cant see her being able to commit to want i want to stay together after this so for me its very much when not if, and although i have expressed this opinion to her multiple times i have left the door open as to not corner her.

xxxx

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 28, 2021 5:08 am)