Hey Jamie,

Im glad about your zen.. or at least seeing that being free from struggling against a checked out wife (putting it nicely here)  can and will be a load of stress off your shoulders..   ie.. where is she going?  What is she doing?  Who is she with?     I don't think God meant us to live that way with constant anxiety, worry and fear..

// my traumatized money start..stoic, insanely loyal, but what I decided//
In regards to splitting bank accounts.    I went to the bank (ok shaking and crying) and opened my own checking account..  Used the same bank for convenience.     I kept the money flowing to  the joint checking right up to the day the divorce was finalized (to the horror of my parents and family).   Sure I paid for hotel rooms and sex toys but any large bills of hers would be seen immediately and I could always transfer money out to my checking.   Let her pay the household bills out of it... staus quo.  Perplexed even her.  The day divorce was finalized I switched my direct deposit to my checking account and said I would pay the house bills from now on...ie she was done.       The rage that I received can found in my posts here.  It perplexed me that she wanted to be divorced, to be with her lover, but expected staus quo from me as if we were still married. I took no pleasure in it... could only watch and endure.  I pray to God I fulfilled all my obligations that I vowed on the alter to do.
//

Wishing you strength and courage.   

Last edited by Rob (October 21, 2021 7:29 am)

yes definitely time to protect yourself.

I sat down and watched the telly in the middle of the day yesterday.  omg I saw an episode of Dr Phil - Separation Assault - the stats are that in an abusive relationship the most likely time for an assault to happen is in that ending period, where the abuser feels control slipping away and can't restore it.  That's when they can act out.  

And it was making me see the parallels, it's not just physical assaults that happen.  While I was still sitting there wondering if there is anything to salvage of our marriage, he had already gone into hyperdrive with filling his secret bank account and chatting up my friends.

Elle, I should have turned the telly off at that point but oh no I had to watch a bit of the Bachelorette.  omg.  so she is a self-avowed bisexual and they have a mixed crew of men and women as suitors.  Give her a hearing I thought to myself, and so I listen to what she has to say - she wants to find love - and then I see her meeting some of the suitors and it wasn't long into the show before it was becoming clear that the sparks flew with the odd girl but no matter how much she was liked the man there were no sparks, romantic blushes but no spark.  I can see why the men still want her though.  Even the gay men want her.

lily wrote:

...Elle, I should have turned the telly off at that point but oh no I had to watch a bit of the Bachelorette.  omg.  so she is a self-avowed bisexual and they have a mixed crew of men and women as suitors.....

Every... Yes every..,..new series/program/movie seems to have an obligatory gay couple/person in it.
Just started watching an Aussie series called "The End". Looked right up my alley but of course up pops the daughter who wants to be a boy and the friend who's so camp I had to force myself to finish watching. If I'm honest this would not matter if my life hadn't been fucked up by a bisexual
 

Jamie,  There's a lot to read here and I may have missed it but did you mention couples counseling? I think you only said she was getting individual counseling. I just want to share that couples therapy was something that helped me a lot when I was at your stage. When I arranged counseling I learned a lot. First, he stood me up for 2 of the appointments, that was telling!  And I could see him more clearly through a therapist's eyes, it gave me objectivity.  I thought a therapist could fix us, but she actually helped me in another way.
Also, it helped me to take notes every day and look for evidence, like a Friend Finder receipt or a gift from a stranger with a romantic note inside. Tangible things help to keep a grip on reality and you may need them someday in court. I wish you strength.

last Thursday i had a morning of calm and very clear thinking but as the day wore on i got more and more angry, i am trying not to gaslight myself and pin the last 12 years on my wife but it all seems to fit into place.
i always thought she was just a cold person, quite unemotional and almost devoid of empathy and that is why she was the way she was with me, but i just accepted that was how she was. but if you frame it in the context of being a Lesbian then it makes far more sense, the waning interest in sex (once she had her babies) the lessening of our emotional ties, earlier this year i was moaning to a colleague that we were basically like a business couple bringing up children as we had no affection or intimacy, it was an off the cuff remark but i can see now it was rather insightful i just did not know why.
back in April/May when she first started getting really cold towards me my anxiety was overloading and i would often say to my colleagues i know nothing is wrong but i have an impending feeling of doom i cant shift, again it was my sixth sense/fight or flight instincts being intune but my brain would not process the reason.

I just want out and more than likely if that does happen my son will live with me and my daughter would live with her (if she lets her), i dont know if my daughter is projecting onto me as she sees what my wife is doing but i cant do no right in her eyes at the moment, ok some of it will be being a 12 year old girl/becoming a lady but some her stuff is next level nasty, however she has just started a new school and is doing really well, under happier circumstances i could probably cope with her extra nastiness but having most of my run time coping with my wife its a struggle to take extra flak without reacting.