Abby wrote:

Aging does make it likely that I will be alone at the end but I hope the memories of loving and having been loved will sustain me and erase the painful memories of the coldness in my marriage.
 

thanks Abby, yes that is how I feel too.  very much so.  the feeling of loving and being loved, it's fundamental isn't it.  and stays with me in a warm health giving home and hearth sort of way even though we are not together.

Last edited by lily (December 14, 2021 3:00 pm)

i must have been a really bad person in a past life,
was getting very stressed with solicitors and the shared ownership company the stbx is using(as i am pretty much doing everthing for her) and my son had a bit of a meltdown at school, so i regained my zen, decided to focus on the children and let the divorce and her moving out be left to the cosmos,and yesterday i felt great, all re-orderd and in control, then i get a call from my dads care home,he is being kicked out for inappropriate behaviour, they called me on monday saying they were having difficulties with him but it was ok as they were addressing it, and three days later they are kicking him out, not excusing anything he may or may not have done but to go from all is well to execution in three days, when the home is failing to keep him and the other residents safe from each other is disgusting.
after the call my brain just shut down so i went of for a sleep, stbx was a rock, i told her about it but said i didnt want to talk about as i was on the verge of tears and breaking down, so i said i needed to go out for a walk and her response was "this is my evening to go out"

I did a little mind exercise last night and made two piles of the good and the bad,
the good; my children, my job, my friends, my health, 
the bad; process of divorce, my dads behaviour

good beats bad which helped reorder my brain again but not sure why i deserve all this pressure

cant wait for her to be gone, she gets the divorce papers today, hopefully she does the right thing for once and agree them so we can get this crap done

So sorry..I remember the " it's my evening to go out" days during my divorce.   It's funny because in the beginning when TGT started  I shook with trauma when she went out.. toward the end, when we were divorcing, I was like please, please go out and away from me.

Hang in there...there is an end...try to use her insatiable desire to go out and be with her friend to your advantage..

she is choice at the moment, i have literally done everything for her with this house move, i've sweated and stressed over lots of details and timings and how its going to be practicable.
So she now has a house reserved and has her mortgage pretty much sorted (waiting for the offer), i spent 2.5 hours with her in her mortgage appointment helping her, it was tight so this morning i without her asking told my solicitor i would give her an extra 3k upfront to help her with the legal costs and kitting out her new house.
she has now managed to get three bus lane penalty notices in the space of a week, when i said they should come out of her money she got well nasty and restarted an argument we had on monday about her secret savings account which i knew about but then forgot about for years until i found an ATM balance ticket and asked her what it was last year sometime, she claims i've always been jealous of that money and i am enjoying seeing her have to spend it on legal fees etc, its all made up in her head. The only beef i have about her secret pot is that for 21 years every spare penny i earned on the side i willingly gave it to her as bonus cash. 
Anyway i lost it with her this morning as her nastiness cracked the very thin crust of control i have whilst under all this pressure mostly made from her, she ended up in tears saying she didnt want to live anymore, and of course as soon as she threw in the suicide tears (real or not) i had to play peace maker, not that i apologised as i have nothing to apologise for, she threw the grenade and i bit. I didnt go looking for a brawl even when the penalty charge in my name landed on the mat(her car is in my name). But i know she still thinks it was me as the aggressor.
I just cant wait for her to go, i have done so much work for her and stressed on her behalf and she still treats me like i am her husband and its expected.
Self centred, selfish and entitled, if thats what coming out means they can keep it.

arrggghhhh!  Jamie I could not sympathise more - she is being just as horrible as we expected!  

so much pressure.  so much pressure - thing is she is used to making you move as easily as a puppet on a string.  and that is her lexicon - manipulation - she doesn't realise you are helping her out of the goodness of your heart because she isn't like that herself.  

The pressure to give more will be on for young and old until it is signed off and nothing she can do any more.

I did the same thing you are proposing, volunteering a bit more cash to make the equation work more easily for my ex and let me tell you - I regret doing that.  Hang onto every penny you can Jamie, make that a mission.  Do whatever you need to.  she is playing you.  Think nice supportive thoughts about her girlfriend for taking her off your hands.  She is and always was the person you see unmasked before you now.

as ZsaZsa Gabor said - "darleenk, you don't know the man you married until you divorce him.

you won't know yourself, how much nicer it is when she is gone and you relax in your own company.  

wishing you all the very best.


 

 

Last edited by lily (January 26, 2022 6:37 pm)