she is choice at the moment, i have literally done everything for her with this house move, i've sweated and stressed over lots of details and timings and how its going to be practicable.
So she now has a house reserved and has her mortgage pretty much sorted (waiting for the offer), i spent 2.5 hours with her in her mortgage appointment helping her, it was tight so this morning i without her asking told my solicitor i would give her an extra 3k upfront to help her with the legal costs and kitting out her new house.
she has now managed to get three bus lane penalty notices in the space of a week, when i said they should come out of her money she got well nasty and restarted an argument we had on monday about her secret savings account which i knew about but then forgot about for years until i found an ATM balance ticket and asked her what it was last year sometime, she claims i've always been jealous of that money and i am enjoying seeing her have to spend it on legal fees etc, its all made up in her head. The only beef i have about her secret pot is that for 21 years every spare penny i earned on the side i willingly gave it to her as bonus cash. 
Anyway i lost it with her this morning as her nastiness cracked the very thin crust of control i have whilst under all this pressure mostly made from her, she ended up in tears saying she didnt want to live anymore, and of course as soon as she threw in the suicide tears (real or not) i had to play peace maker, not that i apologised as i have nothing to apologise for, she threw the grenade and i bit. I didnt go looking for a brawl even when the penalty charge in my name landed on the mat(her car is in my name). But i know she still thinks it was me as the aggressor.
I just cant wait for her to go, i have done so much work for her and stressed on her behalf and she still treats me like i am her husband and its expected.
Self centred, selfish and entitled, if thats what coming out means they can keep it.

arrggghhhh!  Jamie I could not sympathise more - she is being just as horrible as we expected!  

so much pressure.  so much pressure - thing is she is used to making you move as easily as a puppet on a string.  and that is her lexicon - manipulation - she doesn't realise you are helping her out of the goodness of your heart because she isn't like that herself.  

The pressure to give more will be on for young and old until it is signed off and nothing she can do any more.

I did the same thing you are proposing, volunteering a bit more cash to make the equation work more easily for my ex and let me tell you - I regret doing that.  Hang onto every penny you can Jamie, make that a mission.  Do whatever you need to.  she is playing you.  Think nice supportive thoughts about her girlfriend for taking her off your hands.  She is and always was the person you see unmasked before you now.

as ZsaZsa Gabor said - "darleenk, you don't know the man you married until you divorce him.

you won't know yourself, how much nicer it is when she is gone and you relax in your own company.  

wishing you all the very best.


 

 

Last edited by lily (January 26, 2022 6:37 pm)

ex wife to be, divorce is now at the courts so it is progressing
Timeline if all goes well is
March-May her new house will be ready/built
May-July divorce hopefully will be done

tick tock

I am fully expecting the"i don't want to move out/get divorced" power play any moment (mostly thanks to you lot arming me)

what she doesnt understand is i am so far gone now i would never have her back even for the children, they have got used to the idea its happening and i only have one life

Last edited by jamieblunt (January 27, 2022 2:31 am)

Jamie, that's good news about your dad.  and I don't want to tempt fate either but I do think things are falling into place for you too.

Just keep remembering, the time to break the cycle of abuse is in the honeymoon phase - when she is being nicey nicey say no. there will be last minute grabs for concessions and then there will be last second grabs too.

Hope things are going well on the dating front.

wishing you all the very best, Lily

 

Thanks Jamie, 

There you are locked into an abusive relationship without knowing it.  It is such a shock but the shocks get more pleasant - omg I don't feel anxious in the pit of my stomach any more.  omg I have got stronger really quickly, omg omg how low I had gotten being with him.

And it slowly starts to dawn - it wasn't me, my instincts are good, it really wasn't that I'm not desirable or not a good partner.  If anything it says good things about me that I got picked on.   

And you learn something about how vulnerable we are.  There are plenty more where she came from, so that sounds really good.  Yes, take your time.

 You cry and you laugh - it is very much rainbow territory.