i appreciate all of your feedback and i am reading it carefully,

on the finances side yes i am considering splitting our accounts as we both earn but even that is a massive step and one i cant take lightly as it really signifies that i have given up on it,so for now i talk to her about the money spent but to be fair she isnt spending masses on her events or is using a personal account she set up a few years ago when she did some extra work for a different firm and over the years i have spent plenty on beer etc
so for now its probably getting to parity

i do have a strong support network of friends that i am already leaning on ,i joined this forum to gain some insight into other who have gone through this before me.
I really do have a jump off point where i know i can no longer tolerate her behaviour but she has not yet got that far, we are still having heated discussions but also calm discussions but i have already used some of the advice given this weekend by you all and told her as long as i dont "out" her to anyone she is connected with and i trust my support group to keep my confidence i wont let her trap me in her closet, i showed her my posts (not your replies)as they are almost a letter to her/holding up a mirror to her behaviour as i can sometimes waffle on one point for far too long and see the shutters come down but she is a reader and cant hide from the words.
 I will not let this drag me down to where i cannot function as a dad to my children and long before that action will be taken but while there is hope to keep the family unit together (and i believe there still is) i will keep on my course, the leaning on this forum and my support group are what keep me sane but the battle i have with this is mine alone as nobody else can fight it for me.
I accept she is Bi or Lesbian
I accept our marriage may be over
I accept she is on her own journey
I accept she is treating me badly

but there is good in her and i honestly believe she is very lost in her depression so i will keep on my own journey to make our children's lives as normal as possible until she can make a rational decision about what she wants from her life, i wont be her jailor trapping her in a marriage she doesnt want to be in, and i wont hang around waiting for scraps from her table, its just not worth the prize(how our marriage has been for the last few years)

but this weekend although reading a lot of the posts made by others bummed me out as most (in the short term) did not end well, i just need to make it out of my "waiting room" and then i can take positive action either for myself or as a couple.

so far this year i have knocked my problem drinking on the head, taken up much more physical exercise and have lost a stone of flab and i am getting better sleep (although if i do wake it takes me longer to get back off as my mind fires up again)  and opened up to my friends who know me as more of a solitary figure.

with our without her i will always be a dad, she cannot take that away from me.

xxx

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 18, 2021 10:25 am)

in the uk if we get divorced and cant agree on a mutual settlement and then it goes to court,in most cases the judge will side with the mother, i would have to provide evidence of me sole parenting this year and i'm not sure how i would do that. i am thinking about a premptive appt with a solicitor to see what my rights are.

i dont have much family and my parents are sadly a bit old fashioned but also too protective of me to tell the whole story, they know my marriage is in trouble but thats about it, but i dont want them on my side in this i just want them to be there for the grandchildren and if we do separate then they can have whatever recriminations they want in private but nowhere near the children.

my friends are really the rock several have gone through divorce or betrayal so have some good insights from their own POV.

just had a small row with her as she managed all day in london yesterday but i got home from doing the shopping at 7pm last night and she was already in bed, told her if she wants to stay she has to engage with the family even in a small way.  i have no power to kick her out nor do i want to but she is welcome to my true thoughts about how i am feeling

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 19, 2021 1:13 am)

back to my waiting room analogy 
i probably could do with some advice on how to back off/observe from afar whilst living in the same house.
she started her SSRI meds just over two weeks ago so they wont kick in until November some time, she starts specific bi-sexual counselling sometime in November, so i guess now i need to wait until christmas to see if there is any tangible improvement/benefit in the meds/counselling combo, she has several gay events planned, the big one for me will be the weekend away at this ladies flat where they are going to some disco on the Saturday night together, my thinking is if anything sexual would be to happen it would probably be that weekend, as it is at her flat in her home environment where she will feel most confident.

so i know her schedule of events for the next month or so, all the while her "depression" stops her from engaging with the family, i need to hold a mirror to her face now and again but i dont want to be so "truthful" it compounds whatever she is actually going through (which i do believe is genuine)

my question is how do i observe from afar without letting her get away with doing very little for the family, not compound her depression but make sure i am not bottling everything up and then breaking down myself and being no use to my children. i have found myself sniping at her for the last several days to get stuff off my chest.

years ago i read men are from mars etc  and understand my need to unwind my elastic band and to some extent when she is away for 4 days next week that will happen as she isnt immersing herself in her new culture under my nose and then when shes back i've told her under no circumstances is she to book anything the following weekend as she will be at home with the children whilst i go "clubbing" yes i know i'm 48 but i have a friend who is a DJ so i'm going to be in his booth so not having to be a grandad amongst the youngsters, and i will be away overnight. a little bit of this is posturing as she knows i have no problems talking to ladies and i am going to a "pick up joint" just like she has (with her girls only discos), i have no intention of trying to hook up with anyone but i want her to know i am in exactly that surrounding as before this she has always been quite territorial over me (again holding a mirror up to her and her behaviours, if it doesnt bother her in the slightest that is also good information as it will help me get a sense of her drection).

anyway  thats my decompress planned for next week

any suggestions on how to get my zen back ontop of that very eager to hear.

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 19, 2021 4:18 am)

I was born in London - still remember the address and not entirely convinced but I, well yes I remember the phone number too.  we had to learn them in case we got lost.  

I think having stuff in writing with dates can be very valuable - a diary in which you note she went out, I made dinner for the kids counts.

So what you are saying is that if you told your parents they would be upset with their daughter in law on your behalf.  I am just writing that out, even if you can't access their support right now.

But do you really need to wait and see if the meds and counselling work?   what do you think they are going to do about her being same sex attracted?  

okay I admit it, all I could think after reading your last post is you are being played.  which I guess is not surprising.

IMaintaining a steady stance is a good place to be when it comes to distancing yourself.

Two immediate advantages to distancing, by watching what your partner does from a step away instead of giving them that immediate trust you are self-protecting emotionally again.  and you are no longer vulnerable to being played.  











 

Last edited by lily (October 19, 2021 12:23 pm)

Daryl and longwayhome, I love those lists.