I think psychologically you wanted to let out this secret and getting hammered let you knock the wall down you've built around everybody to protect them.

I've been reading your posts and comments.... Trying to be everything to everybody... And it's refreshing to see you make mistakes too 

This seems like the perfect juncture to change the way you approach how your wife thinks you should handle this and stop treating her like a teenager

I know you love your son deeply. Your explanations with him should be honest and not rushed

Elle

Tough morning
i told the stbx that we had to tell the children the real reason for the divorce, she didnt try to stop me but i ended up telling them both about her sexuality.
Son didnt care and went up and gave her a hug, the daughter got both bits of the news at the same time ,initially gave stbx a hug but as the divorce news sank in she was in a bit of a state, she's spent the last few hours crying and being angry, but just as soon as it started she stopped and turned her mind to other things like some of her school friends who have divorced parents and they are ok etc
sure there will be plenty of ups and downs but its done now and i feel better, couldn't give a shit how the stbx feels, especially as she threw away a comment about me wanting this divorce not her, which led to me chasing her up the stairs asking her for her grand plan on how this would work with us living together.

once again she let me do the talking to the children, it was me all teary with them not so much her.

ho hum

We often underestimate the resilience of kids. For many of the latest generation, not being straight is a bit of a 'whatever' thing and many kids know peers who have step-parents and step-siblings. Now they can process, they may return with questions about the future. Answer them as accurately as you can, even if the answer is 'we don't know yet'. It's a tough thing to do but you have a weight lifted and you've swept out a murky mist.

Jamie, its a bit early to be making promises about timelines to your kids ... i found it better to focus on letting them know they will be looked after no matter what happens.  Things are still pretty uncertain for you and its very early in the separation process.  I get that plans help you cope but its important not to make promises you can't keep.  I learned that one through hard experience.  Your stbx can explain her choices and sexuality to your kids - its not your job. 

Righteous anger can help propel you forwards but can also undermine your efforts if you let yourself be drawn into bitter fights with your ex.

Give yourself time out, time to breathe, time to make fully formed plans.  Theres a lot to work through.  Get good information from a divorce lawyer as to what might work best for you.

It can't be done and dusted in 5 minutes.

My comments in red...

jamieblunt wrote:

.....when i told my daughter about the divorce and stbx sexuality i promised her that nothing would change for a year (working off start divorce in April and then 20ish weeks for it complete) Whatever you tell your daughter is going to stay with her forever so don't promise things you can't follow through with. Her emotions will be on high alert at the moment not knowing quite what is happening. Whatever damage and adverse effects this split makes won't come out for years
i reacted badly to having to be the bearer of bad news to both my children and watching stbx passively sit there like it was nothing to do with her.
so stbx got both barrels this morning she reckons she had no idea i have been in a foul mood since sunday night.
so i sort of bullied her into accepting that if i want to start the divorce before this new law comes in sooner rather than later and she accepts that she will be cited as the unreasonable behaviour party then that would at least give me some progress. Yeah I'd hold back on the "sort of bully" tactics, it could end up biting you on the arse. If she's unaware of your moods she's obviously in another place and doesn't care much. Focus on you and your children, not their mother. Do the children talk much to their mother, or about her to you? if my plan works it relies on my best m8 who is wealthy but all over the place having a third stake in my house but i want to pin him down to make sure he can come up with the cash. "wealthy but all over the place"....ouch

Even after the divorce and stbx gets her equity(if my solicitor says its workable) she would probably stay in the house until she finds her own place, so my promise to my daughter that nothing will change is kept until Autumn 2022, i did however her tell her that she would get to help her mum find her new place which my be a carrot for her, she seems oddly intrigued as to whether she will get a "step mum". The intrigue about a new stepmum may be hiding a deep-seated worry that not even you can see

if any of the above makes sense, am i just being angry since the weekend and wanting to rush things and taking it out on stbx  or in reference to my promise to my children that they almost have a year to get used to what is going on and me having to cohabit with stbx all the time i get her new life rubbed in my face. Again....use your anger wisely. You sound bitter and a bit vengeful and you need to be calm and cool. You're dealing with a woman who's not on the same emotional level as you so start treating her as a flatmate rather than the enemy

i've just read this back and i'm not sure it makes any sense to me so good luck !

what is that phrase you all like to use>>?  mindfuck??
i think i am getting it now!

Elle