OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - jamieblunt
- Member
Offline
Probably sounds familiar
Wife of 20 years came out to me as Bi in August this year, i said it didn't matter and we could work things out and see where her journey takes her (we have two teenagers). She is a brilliant mother but has put herself in a sort of solitary confinement whilst bringing up our children which i asked her every year to go out and do stuff on her own and make new friends and i would be with the children, but she never did.
She had post natal depression after our second and went on meds and lost her sex drive, i backed off never pressuring her for intimacy and eventually she turned this round on me saying i never made the effort to seduce her or be affectionate but the affection had to go otherwise it would have been a feeling of constant rejection. Her rejection also led to me problem drinking which i have managed to knock on the head this year thanks to a health scare and i now have control over it and i am the slimmest/lightest i have been in six years.
However she is now bingeing on the culture and going to late night clubs for lesbians and other such events, i dont have an issue with this as i am trying to encourage her to accept herself for who she is but one recent event she rocks in from a club at 5am having walked through a city on her own to get home, that was too much and we had a major row about that.
For most of 2021 i have been the sole parent as first half she needed an operation that restricted her mobility but after the operation is when she came out to me and said she has major depression from this but also a host of other issues from childhood etc.
More recently she has been indicating that she feels more lesbian than bi, she says she still loves me but maybe doesn't fancy me anymore. If she is lesbian then it presents a problem for me as i'm not ready to give up intimacy at 48 years old and act as a jailer to her to keep her in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in, for me the children come first but also this has rubbed out the plans we had for our retirement as we don't know where we will be this time next year never mind in 20 years. i don't want to split up and i have told her this, i have also said though, that i will not move out of our house and deny myself daily access to our children just so she can start a new life without me but retain all the benefits of our marriage.
She is my best friend and i have told her i will not abandon her and we will get her to a good place with her depression so she can make rational decisions about what she wants from life and then we both get to decide what the next steps are in relation to our marriage. But at the moment there are two me's, maybe a third is angry and full of hate at the wasted years of very little intimacy when i thought i was being a good man/husband, but also the threat to my retirement plans and access to my children, all when we have done the real hard work as parents and professionally so we are now getting to a place where we have more free time and the financial ability to enjoy it.
the other two thirds are her best friend who is devastated for her being in this condition and wants to see this through and help make her happy again even if that means we have to separate. I never know which version of me is going to wake up or suddenly take control, talking to her and holding up a mirror to some of her recent behaviours is very cathartic and tends to get rid of angry me once i have said my bit, which allows the caring version of me to step in.
i really believe that she wont start to heal or accept herself until she tells her mother(who is a next level crazy religious zealot ) but regardless of her reaction it needs to be done so my wife can be proud of who she is and what she has created/achieved in her life. she has had these feelings since her late teens but she has kept them bottled up ,she even said she knew this day would come when it all unravelled.
She is on meds again and is starting some specific bi-sexual counselling soon but without her being open about who she is to people that matter to her i am not sure that it will fix much ,and maybe just mask the pain for a while.
hopefully the counselling will help her to find the strength to find her own answers,
so at the moment i am stuck in Hell's waiting room to see whether i have to start a new life or we can regain some of our old life back but with some major changes in both our behaviours. Its very lonely being the sole parent especially when the other parent is physically in the house but is getting ready for another day out without her family to go and meet a new friend or go to an event or show on her own, she says its helping her cope with work so that is a positive but i cant think of a weekend in the last eight where she has been with us for more than a few hours of said weekend.
For the last 21 years of being together i thought we would grow old together and all of that has evaporated now nothing is certain, i don't want to live my days in rage and anger and if we do separate i am committed to making sure the children are protected and we go our separate ways in an equal and amicable way but its not what i want but for my own mental health it may be the best outcome.
- SusanneH
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
Jamieblunt,
I feel for you, and can understand the pain you're going through. Right now it's a good idea to take care of yourself as well as your children. Longwayhome mentioned that it seems your mind is racing in every direction, and I have to agree. It's normal, so that's okay. Her suggestion to figure out what you want from your relationship as well as your life is important. To write things down is really a good idea. My husband cheated on me before I found out about his bisexuality. That was what sent me over the edge/not the bisexuality. I started writing down how I felt & turned it into a journal; as well as lists on 'pros' and 'cons' on different actions I wanted or needed to take. It helped me a lot.
I hope this helps.
Post as your need.
- Soaplife
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
JamieBlunt, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Its soul-wrenching. It brings such chaos into the family.
Have either of you considered the possibility of your wife moving out while she works through her issues?
- Soaplife
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
JamieBlunt, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Its soul-wrenching. It brings such chaos into the family.
Have either of you considered the possibility of your wife moving out while she works through her issues?
- jamieblunt
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
thanks for your replies
yes my mind is racing in all directions mostly tying to think my way out of a situation i have no control over, the things i can control like what do i do afterwards if we separate i have pretty much evolved into a framework of action, and if we ultimately stay together i have that to which involves modified behaviour on my part(although lockdown strangely kicked that off accidentally) to be more open to what my wife wanted/needs, however if we are to stay together then she has to modify her behaviour and one f those modifications would be regular intimacy, so that remains an open question as to whether she is bi or lesbian.
Moving out probably isnt an option, she has no family to go to and no close friends that are within commuting distance of her work, her only option would be to rent a flat and that would cripple us financially with a mortgage to pay as well.
She was out in London yesterday with our daughter but today shes gone back up to meet her new friend that she met at one of the girls only discos she went to, this lady lives about 3 hours drive from us. My wife says its not a romantic relationship (from her end) but this lady made first contact by sitting down and opening a conversation with my wife at this club, then she came down our way to go to a similar event and they spent the afternoon/night together at another girls disco(the one where she came home at 5am) now she has taken a bus from her home town to London to meet up with my wife and has invited her to stay at her flat in November when another girls disco is on at her home town.
to me this lady is doing everything i would if i was trying to woo a lady but my wife doesn't see it, maybe its all very platonic and if it is that makes me happy as my wife desperately needs a friend to talk to/confide but my worry is that this lady is wanting more and if my wife doesn't reciprocate and she gets ghosted by her then it will damage her further and i'm left picking up the pieces, as that is what i do and i cant just switch it off after 21 years of trying my best to look after her.
I know what sort of person my wife is and i genuinely believe she has no romantic interest in this lady at the moment, its not like i am trying to stop her as ive already told her i would give her a free pass to explore what she needs to aslong as she didnt keep it a secret, dont get me wrong i am not a dog waiting for scraps off the table and i will know when ive had enough but the two thirds of me that are her best friend will not abandon her when she is so very lost, after she camre home last night i had my angry head on and so had to get it off my chest to her and everything that came back at me was so genuine in how lost she is that if she was faking it she would be up for an oscar.
She was up at 05:30 this morning to get ready to go to london and she said goodbye to me at about 06:30 but the change in her manner as she was "escaping" was almost scary, last night when we were talking she was so down but this morning she was all giggly and happy like she used to be, so it tears me up that she can only be in that state when she is leaving us for her latest "distraction"
she is going to her home country next week for 4 day break i booked for her back in the summer to get away from us when tis all started to surface,she has a lifelong friend she is going to see when she is there and stay with for a few days, i asked her if she could think about coming out to her but she wont, she also said an odd thing about her manager at work, she said she would consider coming out to him but she didnt want to burden him with it. what do you make of that statement>? i cant work it out.
oh look ive gone of racing again 
its almost like you guys have been through this yourself
Last edited by jamieblunt (October 17, 2021 3:26 am)
- •
Thread Starter- Soaplife
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
JamieBlunt, it is good that you have a plan of action if you separate. Whatever happens in the end, you are in for a bumpy ride as her 'exploration' continues. I think what you call your angry man is actually your truth man.
At the moment she is going through the 'teenage' phase - and sees you as the tiresome parent. Its very common - they do all the wild, massively thoughtless and entitled stuff teenagers do during their growing up years. Including, sadly, not being completely honest or even straight-out lying to their spouse/parent.
They also emotionally manipulate and often resent their spouse/parent, tell them anything to shut them up, don't do what they promise to do, don't keep their end of bargains, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions, just like many teenagers. Its all about them and what they want and need, and getting away with it.
You are bringing up teens so you may even recognise this behaviour.
Yes she is definitely being pursued by the woman, and she is probably very aware of that. The girly giggling and happy mood is a dead giveaway. The 'nothing is going on, we're just good friends' gambit is timeless.
As I say, be prepared for a bumpy ride and its good you have a plan.
I'm really sorry you are going through this and I hope you weather it ok.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
Jamie,
You sound like a stoic and kind husband to her despite some really awful treatment. I know it hurts to hear that our spouses treat(ed) us awful but it's true..we love them absolutely.. it shows the strong fierce love we give.
But they hurt. They hurt us is multiple ways be it the lies or the callous disregard of how much what they are doing hurts us.
Let her be giddy and go do whatever she feels is right. But know in your bones what is moral and right. I urge you to take care of yourself ..build a support system for YOU. The kids need a strong dad that is not hurt and abused. Know we can love our spouses but we cannot control them. We can be kind to them , as you have, while at the same time not jumping on their bandwagon in hurting us.
Wishing you strength and fortitude.
Last edited by Rob (October 17, 2021 9:09 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
JamieB....You seem to be trying to be managing your wife's coming out, when it's not your life or decisions.
Are you tending to focus on her to stop yourself thinking about what you're losing? You mentioned about being left to pick up the pieces. Maybe start leaving her to pick up her own pieces? 21 years of trying your best and she's dumping this on you?......she may have an unreasonable expectation that you'll always be as amenable, to the detriment of your own emotional recovery from this.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- jamieblunt
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
Elle
i dont believe i am trying to manager her coming out, as i fully understand it is something i have no control over, i am however trying to support her through her depression which from the looks of it is only partly attributable to her sexuality (from what she has said).
She is a mother and whatever she does to me i dont want her to damage her relationship with our children as that is exactly what she had from her parents, when/if we separate she will still be the mother of my children and still a family even if we no longer are together.
the children (and my access to them) is really my only concern i already think our marriage is over but extricating myself out of that is going to be very complicated if i want a good outcome for me as well, so if you like i'm not looking for a perfect landing but a controlled crash where i don't end up losing the house, access to the children and pretty much everything else in between when none of this is anything to do with me.
but i may have said in another post, i have cared/looked out for her for 21 years and that isn't something i can switch off overnight, maybe she is manipulating me as she still leans on me heavily and maybe there is an element of stockholm syndrome but i am going to have to dismantle my support structure for her block by block as it goes against my nature to abandon anybody i care for.
but equally as important to me at the end of this is i was on the right side of history and never gave away the moral high ground and tried everything i could do to keep the family unit together, then i can move on with my life and look my children in the eye and they will know i didn't let them down, whilst demonstrating dignity under intolerable pressure.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Probably sounds familiar
Hi Jamie Blunt,
I understand you, I get it, and I do get you are in an intolerable situation and that is my concern. I am older than you I have seen strong men attempting what you are outlining. It is too much to bear alone. How do you dismantle block by block when she is building then back - you need support on the ground.
Maybe you can change your plans but if not then you really need more emotional support for you as well as that practical support for your block dismantling actions. That means talking to friends and family. I do believe you can do it in the long run, caretake your wife, look after your children and recover from this gut wrenching blow , but please don't try to go alone - don't let her get away with making you keep her secrets - that is what isolates us.