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October 13, 2021 11:11 am  #1

Way Less Sad

On August 11, one week before our 3 year anniversary I found out my husband had been on grindr messaging other men and exchanging explicit photos since 2017 - before we were engaged.  When I confronted him he said, "It was to get the affirmation you never give me."  He has a great job, and what I thought was a supportive family.  He acts like he has all the confidence in the world, even though he is helpless in many areas.  We had been "trying" to start a family for over a year and he had every excuse in the book to delay.  He starting gaslighting me and threating divorce as soon as we got back from our honeymoon.  I was extremely, but convinced it was me and that it was my fault for creating tension, that I wasn't worthy of great friendships, family, and also a healthy marriage.  I would have stuck it out throughout my entire life- thinking at some point I would find a way to make him happy and in return myself happy.  Although August 11th brought me mounds of grief, sadness, anger, and betrayal- it was my ticket to freedom and happiness. 

But how do I move on?  Once I get the house sold and the divorce final- how do I build family I have wanted my entire life?  How do I trust myself to not get in another bad situation?  How do I trust the next relationship I am isn't filled with lies?


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