Broomhilda, have you souggt legal advice at all so you know what your rights are and what you might expect a settlement to look like? This site https://www.womenslaw.org/ has US state-specific legal info and resources for every US state.  Having a clear and realistic idea of what is possible and what isn't, can help.

You might find it helpful to have a support person with you in the mediation sessions if permitted.

The divorce process can be very trying and stressful. Having as much information as possible can really help.

Good luck and I hope he doesn't drag it out too long.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

....he doesn't know what else you're planning/thinking/doing either because you're not going to mention it again.
Take a deep breath and know he's not worth the worry

I'm up at 3am still worrying about it and having imaginary arguments with him in my head. But you're definitely right, he's not worth the worry - I'm done. I'm going to put on a guided sleep meditation & go back to bed... I'm not going to meet with him face to face in mediation any longer and I'm going to tell him tomorrow to get out until we can come to an agreement.

Thank you.

 

Oh sweetie, I do feel your pain.  I AM a lawyer, and I got fucked in the settlement.  We had to first fail at mediation, and after that we had to do a voluntary settlement conference with a retired judge, Hank Goldberg, in a process that was confidential and not subject to review.  EVER.  And in that process, the judge decided before we'd even started that I was the evil wife, and within ten minutes I was crying and hyperventilating.  He insinuated that I was hurting my daughter by holding out for a livable settlement (our daughter wasn't even at issue in the process -- she was 23 and living in another state).  My husband had stolen a small fortune -- in California, both of our incomes are "community property" but for the entire duration of 24 years my husband had deposited 40% of his salary, bonus, and partnership draws into a separate account.  I know it sounds crazy, but I only learned about it two weeks before the conference, and I don't think even my own lawyer really believed me.  When I got into the conference, the judge dismissed me as a crazy; he wouldn't even look at the bank statements.  He insisted I was just trying to humiliate my husband by bringing up the fact that my husband squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars on prostitutes over the course of the marriage -- which by California law my husband was required to repay in full.  I had 78 text messages and 24 years' worth of bank statements to back this up, and the judge said it was "no different than if he'd spend his money playing golf" which is not what California law says.  He said all my proof was just "circumstantial evidence" (oh please, you'd flunk the bar exam with that response) and then that it was just my word against his and no judge would rule in my favor.  This was before my husband had even opened his mouth and denied a thing, so what he was really doing was signalling to my husband, right in front of me, that it's okay to lie under oath about this ... and in fact it would be fine to lie to the next judge, too, if the settlement conference was unsuccessful.

In the end ... I'd done hours of homework and preparation, and nobody ever looked at a thing I'd come prepared with.  He just sided with my husband on every last issue, without asking for a shred of proof from him.

I swear to God, it was like the "second rape" that used to happen when women used to try and press charges in court.  It was the exact same thing.  I have a settlement worth less than half what the female mediator had recommended, in our failed mediation.  My husband has five times as much as I have.  

Judge Hank Goldberg.  I have nightmares about him.  His previous career highlights included when he was a young prosecutor, he was on the team that somehow managed to blow the OJ Simpson murder trial.  May he rot in hell.

Last edited by walkbymyself (October 11, 2021 2:02 pm)

walk, it sounds like one greedy rat was slipped something under the table by another greedy rat.  Am appalled but not surprised by corruption.

broom, am not a lawyer so not sure. Can you stop the mediation and switch to a straight out dissolution? You've got a bargaining chip and it may be time to cash it in for an uncontested divorce with a marital settlement agreement favoring you.  Pretend you're the narcissist and squeeze him dry for all the pain and anguish he caused you.  Who cares about him at this point?

My whole divorce was predicated on me not getting near my h. I was afraid of him physically injuring me; he was arrested for spousal terrorism a few months earlier. The guards outside my workplace saw him loitering across the street after the arrest.  I didn't want mediation for that reason. 

(My late ex-h must sound like he was an ex-gang member. Not at all. He earned his master's at UC Berkeley. I will poof this fact soon.)   The physical battery is not the usual stuff so it's not relevant to the board.  What's relevant is don't extend any favors to a liar and abuser. They'll use any means necessary to ruin you.  They are no different than an armed robber mugging you in a public parking garage at midnight. Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

Last edited by MJM017 (October 11, 2021 5:49 pm)