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1 - NewFly
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Still a beard post divorce
Why is this still an issue? More than 2 years post divorce my XH told me he is not telling his work friends he gay because he thinks there will gossip about me turning him gay. Really? He came out to his family and non work friends soon after he came out to me.
Any advice dealing with this?
Keep in mind we work in different departments for the same progressive, inclusive company and haven’t been in the office since the pandemic began.
- Daryl
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
I'm not sure, tell him you don't need his protection?
In my opinion, it really just sounds like he doesn't want coworkers to know and would prefer you didn't mention it either.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Soaplife
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
Do what works for you. Your gxh hasn't got the memo yet - we're divorced and you're not the boss of me.
In a progressive and inclusive company, the only reason people would think "you turned him gay" (what a nasty thing to say btw) is if your gxh told them that or didn't correct them when they said it. Nice. That sounds like a threat to keep you quiet so he can keep controlling the narrative of your break-up.
So get out on front. Don't be intimidated by him. You don't have to live by his rules. If him coming out is the reason for your divorce don't ever hesitate to tell that truth.
Consequences. Guys like him often don't like them.
Last edited by Soaplife (September 29, 2021 8:13 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
Clearly he wants to stay in the closet and be straight with his work friends. He wants;
A. To be straight with some people and gay with others.
B. All the benefits of being married to you and controlling what you say and do. Aka narcistic entitlement
C. Has told you his fears.
It is preposterous though as you can see on many fronts but these spouses live in an alternate reality..I would be curious how he thinks you turned him gay but really you cant..that is a delusion of grandeur.. if you put a gun to my head I would not like men.
Clearly you can say whatever you want to his coworkers. He has forfeited all rights and privileges to your speech.
They,or course, will always think they have the same control we let them have while married. It can shocking to them and takes some time learn.
I personally would look at it from a use perspective..what use do you have in telling his coworkers..will it hurt him and then his job and then he can't pay his alimony, child support etc?... this is not agreeing or pandering to him..just being smart for yourself. If there is no repercussions to yourself for telling his friends, and it comes up in passing..tell away.. but you certainly can tell them or not and know it it is your choice either way..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
NewFly wrote:
You're divorced. You owe him nothing. Take a deep breath, look toward your future and stop being scared of the consequences of what he is will do to him.
Telling you he's concerned about gossip?
The truth isn't gossip. Believe in your truth
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
Hi,
Only a former straight spouse would understand that this request is typical of the GIDX's permanent retirement from common sense.
It's up to you - divorced or not - what to say. It's none of his business.
Following your company's culture about these things is a safe bet to ensure bonuses and promotions. That's the most important part of work.
Do you have to continue speaking with him? Do a slow ghosting if not. If so, be brief, friendly, informative & professional.
Don't let this get you down.
Take care!
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- NewFly
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. Yes XH being gay was the reason for the divorce. I couldn’t stay with a narcissistic liar.
XH brought up the subject of me turning him gay after talking about a colleague’s divorce. I had and have no intention of outing him at work but I don’t lie if someone asks why we divorced. No one at work has. I don’t think they care.
Being the narcissist that he is I think he is more worried about how he will look. A certain colleague has been a friend for over 20 years.
I can see certain members of his family (I told him who) making this comment but no one at work. There were some older ladies that might have gossiped but they have been retired for a number of years.
I don’t think he got the memo about being divorced. There are frequent texts and phone calls…some work related.
Last edited by NewFly (September 30, 2021 10:38 pm)
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
A note of caution. While I agree that your ex has zero rights to your speaking about whatever you want to speak about to whomever you want to speak to, your company may have a policy against disclosing the sexuality of those who are living closeted lives. Mine did. I worked at the same university as my now-ex. And when I told a few of my colleagues I considered friends why I was divorcing my now-ex, either one of them, or someone one of them then subsequently told (because secrets like this will get around), went to HR, which decided that I could be prosecuted under then Title IX rules (I was a professor, since retired), and I was warned by my supervisor that I could not speak to anyone who was employed there about my then-stbx's sexuality or I would be prosecuted.
It's unfair, but protecting yourself from any subsequent fallout from your ex's abuse of you is your first priority. If you could prove that he has revealed his sexuality outside of work you would, I suspect, be on stronger grounds if someone in the company reported you. But do be aware of your company's policy.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 1, 2021 4:53 am)
- MJM017
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
I don’t think he got the memo about being divorced. There are frequent texts and phone calls…some work related.
Hi NewFly,
He did get the memo you are divorced. I served as a whipping post for my GIDH and it didn't stop when he became my GIDXH. He loved creating drama and trouble to entice me into my role as his whipping post. He wanted me to react angrily. It would prove his point that I was a raging lunatic to his allies.
Why is your ex doing this? My guess is he knows the best way to get back at you is derail your livelihood. This guy is troubled - he's not changing. Stay away to protect yourself and career. Some people are masters at gaslighting and manipulation. They'll go as low as they can to destroy someone. If you aren't willing to be a narcissist, you'll never win. You win by not reacting.
Does he need to contact you via your non-work telephone and email? Slowly ghost him if not. If you have kids, be professional and brief with your responses.
Protect yourself legally at work. Drop the fight. Don't mention the divorce or the reason behind it to anyone. Change the subject if it comes up.
Are the emails and phone calls to your work pertinent to your job? Never respond if not. If so, keep it professional and brief.
I am guessing there may be a bit of harassment blended in with work-related matters. You want HR's help & they need proof to believe you & keep him in line.
Keep all of the work emails he sends you through your his company email address. Let all his phone calls from his company phone number to your company phone number roll over to your voicemail. Keep a log of the date, time, place and these communications. I've done this with politically-motivated colleagues who crossed the line and my GIDXH who harassed me at work. It worked to my benefit.
HR cares about the company and will take care of any matter where you have a good court case against them to prove harassment.
Sorry if this is a repeat or if I'm reading more into your situation than is occurring. My late GIDXH was a scary guy. That's my baseline for a GID spouse's foul behavior.
I didn't want to be a Chicken Little in my prior post. It is always best to follow your company's culture & ignore troublemakers.
Good luck and don't let this get you down. You did the hard and courageous work of divorcing him. Go forward with your head held high. Forget about him. You deserve a happy life.
PS Edited for this
I had and have no intention of outing him at work but I don’t lie if someone asks why we divorced. No one at work has. I don’t think they care
This ^, NewFly. No one cares. Stick with that thought & you'll do fine. Just let your ex shadow box & ignore him. All will be fine. :-)
Last edited by MJM017 (October 1, 2021 1:20 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- NewFly
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Re: Still a beard post divorce
Thank you all for your responses. You have lots of good advice. Even my 84 year old Mom said it was a ridiculous comment.
Yes longwayhome there are frequent texts and calls. Work provides various ways for colleagues to contact each other - email, Skype and VoIP.
He even called me when he discovered I blocked him on social media. Don’t I get to choose who I want to follow?
I thought the divorce would be the end of his controlling narcissism but it doesn’t appear to be. I was the first person he called when he was waiting for an ambulance after he had a heart attack. I am not his emergency contact. More chaos.
OutofHisCloset - good advice. No worries though. I don’t know what the policy is at work but I have no intention of outing him. No one has asked why we divorced and frankly I don’t think they care. People have their own lives to worry about.
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