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1 of 1- AffirmationsJ
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Hard Day
Today is just a really shitty day. I feel like my life has hit maybe not rock bottom, but we are getting closer to it at this point. I am one more hit from the bottom. I am just thankful I have my physical health at this point and my kids are healthy.
My ex came out three years ago this month. We divorced. I've wasted the last three years basically living in denial....Him living down the street with his partner. Me dating a very sweet man as a salve and distraction. The ex comes over every day to pick the kids up for school. We have family nights. We even have game nights. We even went on a vacation together over Labor Day weekend...me, my boyfriend, the ex, his partner, the kids. I thought it was all fine and here I was coping so well and we were this great exemplary rainbow family.
Then, boom. The new boyfriend broke up with me quite suddenly and now I see that I am not and was not fine, in fact. I lost all my local friends in the divorce because we came from a very religious community. My family lives cross country. While my ex has been building new friendships and a new life I have been here keeping myself in limbo rainbow family land for the sake of easing our kids transition and filling my time with this lovely boyfriend....who has now left me. So I have not healed, I have no friends, I am lonely, I have no goals, nothing I'm passionate about or looking forward to, and no path forward. And this has suddenly hit me only because the boyfriend that represented a ready made "fresh start" is gone.
I have built nothing in three years and I have made zero progress on healing from the initial heart break of my failed marriage....what a waste.
I feel stupid and weak and pathetic today.
- Daryl
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Re: Hard Day
Putting your kids first is nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when entering into that new dynamic three years ago. Now it's time to take a little care of yourself. Go find that thing you can get passionate about. You may have to try a number of different things before you find the one that clicks with you. Every morning is a fresh start.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Hard Day
AffirmationsJ wrote:
Today is just a really shitty day. I feel like my life has hit maybe not rock bottom, but we are getting closer to it at this point. I am one more hit from the bottom. I am just thankful I have my physical health at this point and my kids are healthy........
I feel stupid and weak and pathetic today.
Damn.... These are the types of day we need another Straightspouse to sit with and talk to, who we know will listen and understand.
Remember it's not so much about the mistakes we make... it's whether we learn from them
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Soaplife
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Re: Hard Day
Affirmations, you are not stupid, weak or pathetic. You are hurt and suffering.
In fact you have made a huge step forward - though a very very painful one. You have realised that you are living in denial. Spackling up the broken dream so it looks ok. Now you realise that your 'happy rainbow family' is an illusion that saves your ex having to indpendently work on his relationship with your children and saves your children from the sad but necessary truth (that your life was shattered by your gxh's deception and you are deeply hurting).
You are saving everyone but no-one saves you. And now it has cost you a promising new relationship. Your nice boyfriend may have been very interested in you and your children. But perhaps on that 'rainbow family holiday' he saw your enmeshment in your previous life and wasn't going to compete with it. .
But big plus for you in this grief - you have seen the truth. Take some time to get your head around it. And then maybe it is time to separate your life more distinctly from your ex's. Make your own family unit with your children, and leave your ex to work out his relationship with the children without you being involved. Take your own holidays and make your own memories of special celebrations and occasions with (and without) the children. Join interest groups, exercise groups, art/craft groups, take classes ...
It is really hard but at some point we all need internalise the fact that our old life is no more. At some point we have to realise the folly of making our happiness entirely contingent on other people's. . At some point we have to try to rebuild our own life so that we have a life that will sustain us when we are unpartnered and/or our children leave home. It doesn't have to be spectacular - only you have to be happy in and with it. For example: Mine is finally seeking healing from FOO and abusive marriage issues, going to Church (my gxh tried to kill that essential part of me, its a joy to practise my faith openly), maintaining and enjoying loving and warm relationships with my children (all young adults, 4 living away from home, one still at home), catching up on all the reading and films I've missed out on over the last 25 years, making a low maintenance garden, drawing and photography that sometimes works out well enough to frame and put up in my house, occasional outings with friends and with a friendship group, planning my downsize for when my youngest son moves out of home (to fund my retirement securely), researching European travel if our national borders ever open up again. Not spectacular - but a life that suits me.
Take heart. Five years ago I started from where you are, shattered by the fact of my familiar life being broken by someone I trusted and loved. It is a low point, but the only way is through and up and now you have a handle on the truth that can really help you start doing things differently. It's doable but takes time and some effort, and patience. It will look and feel different from your previous life.
Once you've done some healing and building, if you still want a relationship, I am sure there is another sweet boyfriend waiting somewhere for you - heck, maybe even the same one, who knows? - when they don't have to compete with gxh in your life.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Ride the wave, acknowledge your grief, and try to look to the future.
- broomhilda2
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Re: Hard Day
I have built nothing in three years and I have made zero progress on healing from the initial heart break of my failed marriage....what a waste.
I feel stupid and weak and pathetic today.
I hope you had a better day today.
I've definitely struggled with feelings of wasted time & loneliness in the past. I'm sure it must be scary and overwhelming to be on your own again. And it doesn't help to have the ex down the street living his life while you're left in mental shambles. Have you gone for any counseling to deal with what happened with your husband? Are there any potential mom friends you could make through your children's friends?
This week I listened to a podcast about dating after a long marriage and the interviewee made a comment that really resonated with me. Although they weren't talking about the trauma inflicted by gay spouses, I liked this quote,
"If you are carrying shame or feelings of failure around being divorced, don't.
There's no such thing as a failed marriage. You changed and you grew, but it worked until it didn't work."
It was nice to think of all that time wasted in another way. It worked until it didn't.
When I go down that hole, I also think about my son. If I had never married my husband, I wouldn't have had my son so regretting that time is wasted energy & only makes me feel like shit. Try to commit to doing one thing a day that moves you forward towards a happier place (self-care, reach out to a therapist, journal, read or listen to something positive, meditate, exercise, buy a new outfit, call your family...)
You're not stupid or pathetic. You're understandably hurting. ((Hugs))
- AffirmationsJ
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Re: Hard Day
Thanks, all. I don't have a lot of energy to reply....but I appreciate each of you for the words of encouragement. It's so interesting how other people can see so clearly what was not apparent to me yet was right in front of my face!
I have set some goals. One being moving out of denial and accepting that I am divorced and not ok. And I will be seeing my counselor (who I told myself I didn't really need to see more often than every 6 weeks or so
) every week.
Thanks for your wisdom and perspective.
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