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September 20, 2021 6:10 pm  #1


Cis hetero F with MTF partner... Resources? / Can this work?

Hello everyone,

I'm quite new here and posting from my phone, so I apologize for any formatting or etiquette errors. I'm also sorry if this is in the wrong sub-forum. I wasn't sure where it best fit.

I'll try to keep this short. (Oops.... it definitely didn't end up being short - I'm sorry).

As the title suggests, I identify as a cis hetero female and my partner has recently come out to only me as MTF after 7 years of relationship and 10+ years of friendship. He still uses he/him pronouns.

My heart is in my stomach now. He says he might just be gender fluid, but I know him enough to at least suspect that he's just as desperate as I am to not lose our relationship.

He's not out, so I cannot speak to anyone IRL yet.

For years I've felt like maybe I was heteroflexible... so I've been trying to tap into that feeling and learn to identify as pansexual... but I know that's not how it works. I don't want the soft skin of a woman, or the curves, or the voice... Now I feel some sense of understanding for those who are not straight and end up in hetero relationships. I'm desperate. I love him. I love us. This sucks... and I wish I could change.

But in this journey, I cannot even describe how utterly, completely, ALONE I feel. There are so many resources out there now for trans individuals and basically everyone on the gender and orientation spectrum (at least online). But I haven't found ANY resources for people like me... Am I the only person in this situation who wants to make it work? Who doesn't want to run for the hills and just say screw it?

Sometimes I feel like the only person who has been in this situation EVER. I just haven't been able to find my people... and I need people. This is so hard to go through completely alone.

So, 2 questions for you beautiful people out there:

1. Do you know anyone who has been in a similar situation who had at least tried to survive this type of change? Bonus if the story ends happily... but any honest stories would be helpful just to cut away at this feeling of loneliness.

2. Do you have any online resources I could look into? Forums? Chat groups? This one seems helpful, but I'm just not sure yet if it's "niche" enough or active enough for my odd situation.

Thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read this and/or respond. I appreciate even being able to write this out for the first time.

Last edited by Rae.123 (September 20, 2021 6:13 pm)

 

September 20, 2021 6:58 pm  #2


Re: Cis hetero F with MTF partner... Resources? / Can this work?

Hi Rae. I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult and challenging situation.

I've seen posts in the Support section from CIS partners in CIS-Trans couples. You might get some helpful responses if you try posting there.

From reading their stories, sadly it seems to become increasingly difficult to sustain such relationships if transition takes place.

A good therapist might help you sort out your feelings and emotions about things as the situation unfolds.

I don't have more to offer, but hopefully members who have experienced your situation will have some wisdom for you.

 

September 24, 2021 1:22 am  #3


Re: Cis hetero F with MTF partner... Resources? / Can this work?

Dear Rae.123, 
I feel you, I really do!

When the man I fell in love with told me that he has been attracted to men since he was young, but decided to stay alone rather than enter into a relationship, it broke my heart. It has evolved that we have entered into a relationship, it is not always and not everything easy, but it is good for both of us. And also I feel lonely in my position. There is not much acceptance for his decision, and I also cannot cheerfully tell everyone what the reason for our challenges is without exposing him - which I definitely don't want to do. 
In that respect, you really have my fullest sympathy!

You asked for positive stories and that´s the main reason I´m writing
I had a school friend who always had something exalted-feminine. Even back then he was dating a girl, whom he later married as well. They went through the process of his sex change together and are still married today and happy too. 
I understand that in addition to the personal burden that such a process brings, the societal reaction here must really be an enormous challenge. And I cannot imagine mastering such a situation alone. It needs good pastoral / psychological care. 
I wish you only the best for your further path!

Hugs,
Kate

 

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