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September 17, 2021 5:37 pm  #1


Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Hello! I am new here. I'll give some background info first. I've been with my boyfriend over 5 years. We have been living together about a year and a half. I have learned a lot of new things about him since then. He struggles with addiction, so that is one major obstacle we battle pretty frequent in the last year.

I never went through his phone our entire relationship (never felt the need to, I really trusted him). But I decided to back in January for the first time. Found a lot of evidence of drug abuse, also other stupid shit he did in the past behind my back (nothing too extreme). I've been monitoring it.

Well a few days ago I was looking through his gmail account and discovered emails from 2016& 2017. (We got together in 2016) I couldn't fucking believe my eyes. Instantly SICK! He had seeked other men to hook up on craigslist. What was confusing is the messages never went farther then "are you available?" And him sending a picture of his not even fully hard dick. He emailed these men looking to hook up with them but I never found a trail of them talking beyond the initial what he's looking for type thing. It didnt show any messages of actually meeting up, but I couldn't figure it out. There were only a couple dates that this ever happened. I confronted him and he immediately started crying and panicking. Saying he isn't a faggot and he didnt meet up with any of them. He said this is the one thing he'd "off himself" over and that no one in the world knows about it. He eventually said he would message them, then masturbate and then would feel immediate shame afterwards and "realized how gay it was"but never actually met with them. He told me he went to meet a dude one time before he met me but couldn't bring himself to do it.

Some time before we got together he had met a transwoman and didnt know she was trans. He said he was attracted to her and then when he found out she was trans it really messed his head up and confused him. Made him question his sexuality. That's what he's blaming his emails on.

I have no way of knowing if he actually met up with anyone or not but it makes me sick as hell. These emails only happened a few times in 2016 and a few in 2017. They completely stopped after 2017. He has cried to me swearing on everything he never met up with anyone.

I never saw signs that he'd be bisexual other than he's more of a feminine man but not in a "gay" way. Our sex life has always been great, never had issues there. His phone had porn it in but it was all female related. No signs of men or anything sketchy like that. I wonder if he was bicurious and then dropped it because he was with me. I don't know.

He's a great man outside of his addiction and the few times he's decieved me. Very loving and clingy to me. I know how much he loves me. And I don't think he wants to explore men anymore, or do anything like that ever again. I just can't get passed the emails. Even if they were 4 years ago.. That was the beginning of our relationship when we were happy( I thought) I don't know if it would be ignorant to believe him because its obviously something he is highly ashamed of. I just don't know what to do! Please help

Last edited by Ohshit2016 (September 17, 2021 6:39 pm)

 

September 17, 2021 8:13 pm  #2


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Hi there, I think we all understand the shock that a discovery like this causes. It's hard to say if this is a problem gone away or just sleeping. That you've found no evidence of hook-ups or more recent activity since 2017 is possibly a hopeful sign, especially if you found nothing on his phone. Shame is a powerful motivator. I expect he would never have told you this on his own.

If you were considering marriage or kids in the near term, I would probably back-burner that, at least until he gets himself together. He needs to deal with his addiction and I think he also needs to come to terms with his 'other' activities and how they affected your relationship. To move forward, you need mutual openness and trust. Getting the whole thing aired out, in a non-judgemental manner, helps you move past it. Otherwise it's a giant rock in the highway you'll keep bumping into.

He probably doesn't want to talk about it, and perhaps you need to talk about it. This is where a counselor may come in handy. Hopefully you both want to row the boat in the same direction.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 17, 2021 8:30 pm  #3


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

It is scary to discovery these types of things, I agree with everything in Daryl’s post.

The only other thing I could add is always follow your instinct/your gut. If something doesn’t feel right to you, that’s usually a pretty strong indication for you to pay close attention.

Take care of you.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

September 17, 2021 8:38 pm  #4


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

OhShit2016, You say: "He's a great man outside of his addiction and the few times he's decieved me. Very loving and clingy to me. I know how much he loves me. And I don't think he wants to explore men anymore, or do anything like that ever again."

I think you need to look at the cognitive dissonance (believing 2 contradictory things at once) in that statement.

His addiction, deceit and infidelity mean he IS NOT a great man.  He is in fact a lying cheater who lies.  He admits a bit that YOU ALREADY FOUND OUT but nothing else. There is A LOT more you don't know, guaranteed.

You don't really know how much he loves you because you are playing the relationship police 5 years in. Checking up on him because ... you already have evidence he is not trustworthy and jerks off (and most likely a lot more) with people who aren't you. Quite rightly you neither trust nor believe him.

You are 'monitoring'his emails because you don't really believe he doesn't want to go with guys ever again. Because you know he lies. Do you really want to spend your life doing that? Monitoring a grown man? Really?

He is clingy because he needs you - you are his hetero cover for indulging in gay fantasies (and most likely actual gay sex).  Its manipulative and I think you know its false or you wouldn't call it super-clingy, you would call it demonstrably affectionate.

You can't get past the emails because THERE SHOULDN'T BE emails like that.

You have been suspicious and smart enough to discover who he really is as opposed to who he wants you to think he is. Now believe the evidence you have.

Most correctly, all your alarm bells are going off. You are 5 years in, not married yet and with no kids.  It hurts to break up, yes, but honestly - quit now while you're ahead.

He is not a dyi fixer-upper, he's a wreck that could destroy you if you stay - don't invest yourself unwisely. You deserve - and I am sure will find - better.

I'm sorry ((hugs))

Last edited by Soaplife (September 17, 2021 8:49 pm)

 

September 17, 2021 8:56 pm  #5


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Soaplife wrote:

OhShit2016, You say: "He's a great man outside of his addiction and the few times he's decieved me. Very loving and clingy to me. I know how much he loves me. And I don't think he wants to explore men anymore, or do anything like that ever again."

I think you need to look at the cognitive dissonance (believing 2 contradictory things at once) in that statement.

His addiction, deceit and infidelity mean he IS NOT a great man.  He is in fact a lying cheater who lies.  He admits a bit that YOU ALREADY FOUND OUT but nothing else. There is A LOT more you don't know, guaranteed.

You don't really know how much he loves you because you are playing the relationship police 5 years in. Checking up on him because ... you already have evidence he is not trustworthy and jerks off (and most likely a lot more) with people who aren't you. Quite rightly you neither trust nor believe him.

He is clingy to you (yuck) because you are his hetero cover for indulging in gay fantasies (and most likely actual gay sex).

You can't get past the emails because THERE SHOULDN'T BE emails like that.

You have been smart enough to discover who he really is as opposed to who he wants you to think he is. Now believe the evidence you have.

Most correctly, all your alarm bells are going off. You are 5 years in, not married yet and with no kids.  It hurts to break up, yes, but honestly - quit now while you're ahead.

He is not a dyi fixer-upper, he's a wreck that could destroy you if you stay - don't invest yourself unwisely. You deserve - and I am sure will find - better.

I'm sorry ((hugs))

Holy harsh..damn. Was not expecting that. But I do appreciate the insight and brutal honesty. Definitely leaves me with things to think about.

I will say I don't think addiction makes someone a bad person. I have first hand experience with addiction. I watched my mother suffer from it most of my teen-adult life. Relapse is part of addiction. If they learn from their mistake and work on their recovery again, they shouldn't be considered unworthy.


I agree with the lies. That's my biggest concern at this point. A lot of things could have been prevented had he spoke to me about them.

As far as the emails go. Yes they make me sick and 100% should not have happened. Masturbating to it isn't something I couldn't forgive. Having actual sex is something I couldn't. I have no proof of actual sex at this point. Also, I don't think masturbating to porn or other "fake" things is terrible. It never took away from our sex life and I also masturbate to porn. Lol.


As far as the gay thing goes. You are insinuating he is gay, and not bisexual. I definitely don't believe I am some "cover" for his secrets. If anything, he would be bisexual. Not gay. He definitely likes women, trust me.

He definitely should have told me if he was bicurious or bisexual. I deserved to know. However, I understand to a point why he wouldn't. Out of extreme fear. Coming out to people is a huge deal. I don't think because he thought he was bi, it meant he didnt want to be with me or love me. He should have NEVER sent those emails. Thats where it becomes a major issue. And I have to decide if its worth working on or leaving behind.


I do know how much he loves me, even if he's fucked up in the past and made poor choices 4 years ago.


All in all, I respect your feedback. Thank you.

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2021 10:06 pm  #6


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

"You are 'monitoring'his emails because you don't really believe he doesn't want to go with guys ever again. Because you know he lies. Do you really want to spend your life doing that? Monitoring a grown man? Really?"

- I was referring to monitoring his phone regarding his addiction and any other past bs I might find. Not related to strictly men. I was monitoring his phone before I knew about the emails. Does it mean I don't trust him? Of course. Does it mean I could never trust him again? I don't know. Of course I don't want to spend my life with someone I don't trust. I just haven't decided if it can't be worked out.

"He is clingy because he needs you - you are his hetero cover for indulging in gay fantasies (and most likely actual gay sex).  Its manipulative and I think you know its false or you wouldn't call it super-clingy, you would call it demonstrably affectionate."


- Please dont assume what I meant when I said "clingy". I didn't meant that in a weird or unusual way. I meant it in a way that shows love to me. Clingy could have been the wrong word. He's very affectionate and loving. In a way that I like. We have very passionate sex. I never once thought it to be "false" or a "cover". He's very much attracted to me and in love with me. I do know that. He's made shit choices that have awful consequences for the both of us. But I think you are taking things I have said and twisting them a bit.. 

Kind of feels like youre attacking my situation piece by piece. I respect your honesty. But understand I am going through an extremely rough time and I'm looking for support without judegment. I understand where you're coming from. But you're talking as if you know for a fact what my situation is specifically like without knowing me or him. Its just a bit much..

Last edited by Ohshit2016 (September 17, 2021 10:07 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2021 10:08 pm  #7


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

No worries OhShit. I fully get that its not for everyone, but Brutal honesty worked for me so its the type of medicine I deal in.

I've been there, heard hundreds of stories of people who have been there ... the early stages of discovery are pretty hellish and it takes a while to sort it out. Especially if you stay entirely focused on him - identity, addiction, secretiveness, possible cheating, neediness - and not also on your own needs, desires, safety and happiness.

I really listened to what you described, and told you what I saw in your words, through the lens of my own and many others' bitter experience. 

I didnt say those battling addiction are unworthy - I observed that the combination of addiction, lies and secrecy did not sit well with your assertion that he is a great man. (Or bode well for a successful long-term relationship).

I observed that your evident suspicions about his honesty were vindicated by your discoveries.

I pointed out your understandable confusion over evidence you found versus what he said.

I noted your use of words that seemed to show a distrust of his apparent close attachment to you.

We all so long to find a happy ending in the chaos these partners introduce into our lives.  We all want to be the one whose partner is different and changes into the man we hoped he was.  None of us - none, zero - have found that unicorn, though some of us invested years and years hoping and praying and working on the basis that one day it might happen.

Everyone ends up getting hurt in relationships like y/ours. You can only control the level of hurt, loss and damage to you and your life. You can neither control nor fix another person - only yourself.

I hope you are able to find a way through it all.

 

September 18, 2021 9:57 am  #8


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Ultimately, you choose your direction and speed. So does your boyfriend. All information gathered here may or may not be applicable to your specific situation. Sometimes it may not be what you want to hear. Pick what works for you. Keep the rest in mind so that you can avoid potential pitfalls.

Speaking of advice that may or may not be applicable. I would avoid the temptation to sweep this under the rug. I don't remember who it was, but someone here once used the analogy of a weed growing outside your front window. You can't see it from your view to the outside so you ignore it. By the time it peeps over the sill, into view, it's now huge and with deep roots to dig out. Your boyfriend sounds ashamed of himself and I think you feel betrayed. Both are understandable feelings. Will you dig that weed out together?

Last edited by Daryl (September 18, 2021 9:57 am)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 18, 2021 10:23 am  #9


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

"Ultimately, you choose your direction and speed. So does your boyfriend. All information gathered here may or may not be applicable to your specific situation. Sometimes it may not be what you want to hear. Pick what works for you. Keep the rest in mind so that you can avoid potential pitfalls.

Speaking of advice that may or may not be applicable. I would avoid the temptation to sweep this under the rug. I don't remember who it was, but someone here once used the analogy of a weed growing outside your front window. You can't see it from your view to the outside so you ignore it. By the time it peeps over the sill, into view, it's now huge and with deep roots to dig out. Your boyfriend sounds ashamed of himself and I think you feel betrayed. Both are understandable feelings. Will you dig that weed out together?"



- I appreciate your kind piece of mind. Thank you. I understand not all cases are the same and certain advice applies to most. Is it absurd to beleive this could have been a curiosity thing from the past and that it doesn't actually have ahold of him? And say he was bisexual. That wouldn't rule me out of his attraction zone. So would it really be an issue even if he were bisexual? Bisexual doesn't necessarily mean cheat. I haven't found any evidence in the last 3 years indicating he was involved in anything like this. His emails were sketchy and obviously betrayal to me. I'm just thinking about how long ago it was and early into our relationship. I feel like if it were a legit issue, it would have come up. Definitely since I've been going through his phone recently. There's no denying he is sexually attracted to women.TMI but he gets an erection anytime we are laying next to each other and he enjoys giving oral very much. I don't see this as a threat to me exactly. Just something he should have been open with me about.

I've read other forums on here and a lot of people talk about obvious signs their s/o is gay or lebian. Lack of sex in their relationship or lack of being sexually desired. Finding toys,recent emails or texts, recent gaysites, a lot of gay porn or time being unaccounted for. And I don't have any of these conerns except the old emails I just found.

I just don't want to make this more than what it is (if he was just curious at that time). But I also don't want to dismiss anything that could cause problems later.


Sigh. Thank you for all of your responses and time. I needed someone to talk to. I haven't told anyone in my life and it's eating me alive.

     Thread Starter
 

September 18, 2021 10:52 am  #10


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

A few observations on things you wrote:
One: 
" I have first hand experience with addiction. I watched my mother suffer from it..."

Please consider whether you are reproducing the dynamic of your family of origin in this relationship. The dynamic of repeated relapse and attempts to desist, as well as other behaviors like duplicity and remorse, may feel familiar to you, but what is familiar does not mean it is healthy.  We don't choose our families of origin, but we do choose our later relationships. Is this really the dynamic you wish to reproduce for your life going forward?  And are you somehow revisiting the dynamic with your mother in an attempt, even an unconscious one, in hopes it will turn out differently and you will repair an emotional deficit, receive something from your partner, that you didn't from your mother?


Two:
"he had met a transwoman and didnt know she was trans. He said he was attracted to her and then when he found out she was trans it really messed his head up and confused him"

  The human ability to "sex" others is innate.  I can well imagine that your partner's response to seeing "a woman" while intuiting "male" confused him.  Considering his attraction to men, it's highly likely that a transwoman represented a safe male--someone who on the surface appeared to be a woman, and therefore in his mind an acceptable sexual partner, but who, being male, represented the forbidden but desired male sexual partner.


Three:
"I just don't want to make this more than what it is"

 No, you don't, but what you are writing appears to me to be being over backward to make this less than it is.  Which is understandable.  Denial is the first stage of grief.  

 

 

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