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September 14, 2021 8:40 am  #1

so over this drama

Hi all, I haven't posted since July I think. I have the GID/BID husband that had a major heart attack. Prior to the HA, we had moved our marriage to a contractual agreement. I had explained to him that although I still loved him I was no longer "in love with him" I could not live in his closet any longer. He could live his life and I would live mine, but we could share a roof. The massive HA happened and he almost died. I've been stuck as a caretaker ever since. 
So now, he is doing better, manages to fend for himself for breakfast and lunch, but I'm doing dinner. He is doing little projects around the house, I keep the house in order. We are both retired and expenses are split down the middle. 
2 months ago, My daughter (from a previous marriage) moved back to the US. She has been a great help to me emotionally. We have always been very close. Yesterday while in the market, the husband brings up the subject of money, then spins that into her kicking in her share, then spins that into when is she leaving. I told him I wasn't discussing any of this in the middle of the market and he dropped the subject, but I expect him to bring it up again soon. It is weighing heavily on my mind. 
Here is the situation, when she last came home for 4 months between careers, he started to complain about her and put me in the middle, I mistakenly stood up for him, after all he was my husband. Once the bullshit about his sexuality came to the surface I realized I was standing their holding the bag. I had a crappy marriage and I allowed him to put himself before my daughter and I was alone. I vowed never again. When the HA happened, she put things in motion to get back to the US so she could help me. She sacrificed her own apartment, career, car and life for me, because she didn't want me to be alone through this. I will not allow him to ruin anymore of my life. When the subject resurfaces I plan to tell him not to rock the boat or he may find himself sailing alone. I have been ready to move on, live my own life for awhile now. I think I just needed a push out the door. Looks like he is going to supply the push. I am just so done.
My heart is heavy with guilt, he has a heart condition, he is afraid to be alone, if he dies it will be my fault. Why am I tearing myself up inside over this. He has killed me over and over again emotionally, yet I feel so bad. Help me be strong, tell me I'm doing the right thing.


September 14, 2021 8:54 am  #2

Re: so over this drama

“Why am I tearing myself up inside over this?:

Because you are a kind person. The sort of person who feels another’s needs. The sort of person who has something that a lot of gay spouses do not have. A conscience. You do not need to fear the judgment of others for the actions you feel you must take. You were a beard, and are now expected to be a nurse or a carer. You are still allowed to care about him, even if you no longer care for him. Would seeking professional help for any long term care needs be an option?

4949 days…

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.

September 14, 2021 9:03 am  #3

Re: so over this drama

Lost, You know what you need, and what to do. You are 100% correct behind your thinking. I whole heartedly agree with your proposed approach. Stand firm in this, and stand by your daughter in this. She certainly was there for you  based on your post.

His life is not your responsibility, I know it can feel like that but truly it can’t be that way. Nobody should have to sacrifice their own life in this manner, especially under our types of situation.

It’s one thing to look after your partner when love is present, true caring from both sides exist, we would loving look after our spouse, especially during a health crisis, we wouldn’t even discuss it, we would just do whatever is necessary cause we know they would do the same for us.

We don’t get the same type of caring back though, do we?

In my opinion, this next chapter of your life is yours, make it about you and get out while he is still in this phase of recovery, it could get worse, so get out while you can because if you think it’s difficult to leave now, it will become impossible for you should he condition deteriorate.

Ask yourself, what would he do, if the situation was reversed? Would he really be there for you the way you have been for the last several months.

Take care. It’s your life now, he made the decisions that brought you to this point. You make yours now is how I see it.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 14, 2021 9:04 am)

I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus

September 14, 2021 2:00 pm  #4

Re: so over this drama

LostNalone wrote:

Hi all, I haven't posted since July I think.......
2 months ago, My daughter (from a previous marriage) moved back to the US. She has been a great help to me emotionally. We have always been very close. .......

Well....you may call yourself LostnAlone but you no longer sound lost and you've told us you have the support of your daughter. What a champion she is! coming back to you. I don't know her and love her for doing that. You're torn, in the middle, but not really right? The responsibility for this man is holding you back. I reckon he knows it and may also see your daughter returning as a threat to that responsibility. You need to plan, with your daughter, to extricate yourself from the obligation to care for somebody who ruined your life. 

You must have talked to a lawyer. A lawyer will see your situation and give you an unbiased, unemotional but helpful opinion. Take your daughter with you. You are so lucky to have her, our children can often be one of our greatest strengths

Edited to say.....let me tell you.....you're saving the rest of your life. You're doing it for you and your daughter


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 14, 2021 2:07 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

September 14, 2021 3:21 pm  #5

Re: so over this drama

well said, Elle.  reminded me of my mother, she was lovely.

Last edited by lily (September 14, 2021 3:23 pm)


September 14, 2021 6:00 pm  #6

Re: so over this drama

Agree. Well said, Elle!

I feel guilt at times  (misplaced, I know) over divorcing my now-late GIDH. He had developed heart disease (2 leaky valves) & accompanying chronic conditions (high bp, dvt, pre-diabetic, cellulitis) a few years before the end of our marriage.  It's normal as OG said to wrestle with your conscience. It shows you have a well-formed one.

Not sure where you are in the US, but you were smart to consult an attorney to see what your legal and financial rights are. Everything can be open to negotiation with a divorce. Think of bargaining chips - you'll keep his non-straight status a secret if you can keep some valuable jointly owned asset. 

You might want to propose he move to a gay-friendly low cost of living area.   He can hire a reasonably priced pt senior caregiver while pursuing other gay men in freedom.  Here's a listing of such places from realtor.com -


This idea may not work. However, you and your daughter can develop financial strategies to keep your current lifestyle intact while getting him away from you and responsible for his own well-being.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

September 14, 2021 11:43 pm  #7

Re: so over this drama


"...I reckon he knows it and may also see your daughter returning as a threat to that responsibility. .."

I concur with Elles reply. I think it has little to do with money and more about isolating us.    I saw this first hand where my GX did not want me talking to and confiding in my family.   They like to isolate us and make us think they are the only ones that can help us..which is totally not true.  Kudos for your daughter for being a great support..your husband had his chance and should be thanking your daughter for helping..not seeking to get rid of her.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 15, 2021 5:39 pm  #8

Re: so over this drama

My relatives have had conditions which were death sentences a few years back. (Stage 4 cancer, broken hips, a few hospitalizations for viral pneumonia.) They're still alive and doing very well.

Life expectancy has improved dramatically in the last five years. Your husband's prognosis may prove to be better than one would assume.

Meanwhile, he's isolating you. He's keeping you alone.

Will he be without the company of a man or men once he recovers?

Last edited by MJM017 (September 15, 2021 6:32 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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