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1 of 1- StraightSpouse1979
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Life as I know it
It has been a while since I have been on this site. I figure it would be nice to vent a little and to update. It has been 2 1/2 years since my "husband" has declared he wants to be a she. Unfortunately, I am still living in the same home with "him" and our 7 year old daughter. I struggle with this because it is humiliating that I am still here. I started seeing an amazing man who if God could have given me my better half, he would be him, though there is a 21 hour distance, he is worth every moment apart to spend the ones we can together. I started looking when we got together for a ft job since I have worked part time since having my daughter in 2014 to raise her. All of which seems like I failed there because she definitely favors her "dad" which I should not take personally but some days I do. But then Covid-19 hit the world and it was easier and more sensible to stay here to help her w virtual education. I finally in June found a FT job which even though it is in my field has been very stressful. I have so much anxiety already and insomnia and this leap has made that worse. I have many people who have been "encouraging" me to leave and divorce. It is not that I want to be here living this life but financially it seems responsible and logical to save up as much money as I can for my future especially since I do not pay much to live here. So in addition to my stress from my job, I am feeling like a failure because I am here when so many feel like I should be gone by now. Does this living here affect me? Of course it does, how could it not. Most days I feel like my bedroom is the only room in the house that is mine. I do not share my financial status with many people but what is coming in and what will go out is relatively equal and does not include medication or emergency expenses, not including child support, but I wanted to be ok without that. I would ask for it but wanted to not have to rely on that. I feel like this is something that has to be done correctly otherwise it could blow up in my face. I reached out to a political friend who has influence and suggested a lawyer who can give me a free consult via phone since it is in a county of my state not close to me. I am having someone check out a home that is selling as is to see if it is worth the price and fixable with minimal cost to me. I wanted to save up money to pay for a car payment if I needed to since my car is almost 20 years old. I feel like everyone thinks I am co dependent on my soon to be ex spouse when maybe psychologically to a degree I am but I just do not want to fail and do things when I feel so much anxiety at the moment. "he" would get the house, same job, same life, his own business now instead of working for someone else, and is favored by our daughter, I have to change everything which is fine and I accept that but I am just feeling overwhelmed. Some think by now I should be finished w it all but I am afraid of screwing up and I have no safety net if I do
- Soaplife
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Re: Life as I know it
SS1979 your long haul sounds very difficult and painful to live in.
My main concern on reading your post was that you are working really hard and saving money but that in a divorce at least half of that will go to your spouse. Laws differ from place to place but the concept of marital assets seems fairly common.
I hope you seek good sound legal advice soon and protect everthing you are sacrificing yourself for and working so hard for.
Best of luck.
(Also, I left the following comment on another thread you had joined)
SS1979, you will have a better chance to have a great, healthy relationship with your daughter once you are divorced and out of the same house. Firstly you will be a happier person and more available emotionally to her.
She will see clearly - as you and your exh parent separately - who does what for her. Kids are survivors and they soon work out who they can rely on.
You and your daughter will be the sane stable family unit. She will see that it is you who is there for her all the time and makes sure she is ok, and can be trusted to keep her life going comfortably in good and not so good times.
She will see that wigs and glitter and dressing up are sparkly fun but do not make a good or reliable parent.
Courage!
Last edited by Soaplife (August 29, 2021 9:08 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Life as I know it
SS1979,
It sounds like your doing the best you can given the shit sandwich that your spouse dealt you. There is no set time frame or procedure for any this. We all do or did whatever we have to. Your are exactly where you need to be given the circumstances..
I wound suggest you talk to a lawyer and find one your comfortable with. They can go through your situation and maybe alay some of your worries and fears for the future..you do not know what he gets.. also he may be entitled to half of this or that but he is also entitled to have the debts. Do not think these spouses have some privileged legal powers. You can then formulate a plan
Also I don't think he can take your kid away so to speak..I had great fear of that..that the kids would just like their mother better but no..kids just want a mom and a dad.
Know that it's not forever..there is an end.
Prayers and best wishes.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MJM017
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Re: Life as I know it
Hi SS1979,
I remember your posts from before.
Living with these disordered spouses is awful. You have a higher purpose - securing your daughter's future. She'll understand when she's older and appreciate the sacrifices you're making for her. Disney "dad" won't look so great then.
I hope all works out with the attorney (& in your favor!)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Life as I know it
Soaplife:
I emailed a lawyer to see about a free consultation. Not that I can take what he has as truth but he said we can keep what we have such as my 401K I can keep etc. Now, that may be because he has way more than he is telling me he has as I do not see his finances.
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Thread Starter- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Life as I know it
Rob:
Thanks, I am trying my best to do what I need to do so when I leave I dont need to take anything but my bedroom suite because I dont want to disrupt my daughter more than I have to by removing furniture and leaving a half empty home. That is why I am saving.
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Thread Starter- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Life as I know it
MJM
I hope she sees things that way, she is for some odd reason always favored her "dad" but I can only try my best and hope for the best.
Thank You
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Life as I know it
StraightSpouse1979 wrote:
Soaplife:
I emailed a lawyer to see about a free consultation. Not that I can take what he has as truth but he said we can keep what we have such as my 401K I can keep etc. Now, that may be because he has way more than he is telling me he has as I do not see his finances.
If "he" in this reply is your spouse, don't trust this statement and don't sign or agree to anything without long and careful consideration. A lawyer protects your interests and will insist on full discovery of the financial picture. It is possible in some areas to go to mediation, but this usually works best when both parties are cooperative. Figure out what your minimum offer would be (and be generous to yourself). Sometimes a closeted spouse can be inclined to make a good offer to avoid exposure. Obviously, this is all my opinion and not legal advice.
Last edited by Daryl (August 30, 2021 4:39 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Soaplife
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Re: Life as I know it
Soaplife:
I emailed a lawyer to see about a free consultation. Not that I can take what he has as truth but he said we can keep what we have such as my 401K I can keep etc. Now, that may be because he has way more than he is telling me he has as I do not see his finances.
Well done. Don't talk or listen to your husband, talk and listen to your lawyer.
If your husband is closeted, potential exposure is leverage you have in the process.
The lawyer should be able to get full financial information from your husband. If he is hiding assets you can ask the lawyer about engaging a forensic accountant.
Ask for full or majority custody of your daughter.
Get your family home and other real estate professionally valued.
50-50 of the total value of ALL assets including cash, real estate, 401Ks, chattels, motor vehicles, jewellery etc is a good starting point - but only go up from there, not down.
Good luck. Negotiate through your lawyer.
- Soaplife
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Re: Life as I know it
Rob:
Thanks, I am trying my best to do what I need to do so when I leave I dont need to take anything but my bedroom suite because I dont want to disrupt my daughter more than I have to by removing furniture and leaving a half empty home. That is why I am saving.
If you have a good lawyer your husband might be the one leaving. At least half that house is yours.