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August 26, 2021 10:09 pm  #1


Anniversary

It's been exactly a year since my husband of 15+ years revealed that he believed himself to be a transgender woman, that unbeknownst to me he had cross-dressed before we met, that he had been masquerading as a woman online for years engaging in cyber sex, and that he was now intent on exploring his "gender identity" and ultimately transitioning.  

This week my divorce was finalized.  He still hasn't come out publicly.  Almost no one (other than my therapist and one sister) know the real reason for the divorce.  So, I am still living in the shame of his closet.  My children and I have found a new church home.  I have had amazing support from friends and I am doing my best at solo parenting.  And it's very much solo- I have full legal and physical custody of my kids and he sees them for a few hours a week. 

I'm posting this for the frightened and confused spouse who like me is desperately searching online for an answer to why this is happening to her.  It will be hard, but you can make it through.  If living with a transgender spouse is not what you want, don't wait around. Don't feel guilted into staying.  Get out as soon as you possibly can.   

Last edited by TakenbySurprise (August 26, 2021 10:10 pm)

 

August 27, 2021 4:42 am  #2


Re: Anniversary

Hi Takenbysuprise,

It would be customary to wish you happy anniversary in relation to a marriage union. Although this anniversary is not an entirely happy one, I sincerely hope that you find your happiness in the future, one that is free from the shame of the closet. It is heart warming and affirming that you have found amazing support away from your trauma and it is also very revealing of the person you truly are in that you still think of others in this moment. I also sincerely hope that in the future you will reach a place, or find a person that will allow you to celebrate this anniversary as being the start of a journey that allowed you to be fully healed and free from a traumatic past. 

Be well,

OG


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 27, 2021 10:24 am  #3


Re: Anniversary

"..And it's very much solo- I have full legal and physical custody of my kids and he sees them for a few hours a week.."

Sounds like he chose this gender thing over his own kids.. cannot fathom the sickness that goes into that.  Sadly not unheard of on this forum.

My hats off to you for your strength and perseverance..those kids have a great mother.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 27, 2021 10:26 am  #4


Re: Anniversary

Longway,

Thoughts and prayers for you on your journey.   In this life and the next we can look back and say we did our best.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 27, 2021 11:49 am  #5


Re: Anniversary

TakenBySurprise,

      Hard to say whether to offer condolences or congratulations--or both.    I know from experience just how disorienting it is when the trans bomb is dropped, how surreal the time after, and how unwanted but necessary the decision to divorce is. 

    You are one strong woman to get through it all, and in one short year.   I'm glad you have found support, and I hope at some point you will release yourself from his closet.  Solo parenting will be a challenge, and although your ex's selfishness is breathtaking, I suspect solo parenting will be far preferable, and better for your children, than having to subject your children to life with their selfish father.  

  As the ex of another man who decided he was a woman in a man's body, I second your advice.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 27, 2021 11:51 am)

 

August 27, 2021 2:33 pm  #6


Re: Anniversary

TakenBySurprise,

I imagine you feel relieved this chapter of your life has closed. You've done the hard work and taken the high road.   I am mortified by your ex's child custody decision. If I may say, it reinforces why you left.

You're so smart to have all your ducks in a row for your new single status.  Wishing you & your kids all the best!

Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 29, 2021 12:48 pm  #7


Re: Anniversary

I have been off this site for a while but decided maybe I should return. My transgendered husband came out about 2 1/2 years ago. I still live in the same home with "him" and our 7 year old daughter. When I met my now bf of 1 1/2 years, I started the process of finding FT work but then covid hit and she had to be educated virtually so it was financially best to stay here so she and I could navigate her education. She starts back FT in school for 2 nd grade tomorrow. I finally found a FT job in June after working just part time since I had her in 2014. It has been a challenging job that has added a lot of stress to my life. My insomnia is worse. I have a lot of people who have been pushing me to move because I should have done that as well as the divorce by now. I do not want to be married. I am very uncomfortable in this "home" but am struggling with dealing w the new job and navigating this divorce process. Having your daughter prefer this "dad" to you is also a struggle of mine and worrying that she will not want to have anything to do with me when I leave here is also a struggle. I hope that you are doing well on your own and that having the divorce finalized has brought you some peace

 

August 29, 2021 8:37 pm  #8


Re: Anniversary

SS1979, you will have a better chance to have a great, healthy relationship with your daughter once you are divorced and out of the same house. Firstly you will be a happier person and more available emotionally to her.

She will see clearly - as you and your exh parent separately - who does what for her. Kids are survivors and they soon work out who they can rely on.

You and your daughter will be the sane stable family unit. She will see that it is you who is there for her all the time and makes sure she is ok, and can be trusted to keep her life going comfortably in good and not so good times.

She will see that wigs and glitter and dressing up are sparkly fun but do not make a good or reliable parent.

Courage!

Last edited by Soaplife (August 29, 2021 8:42 pm)

 

August 29, 2021 11:04 pm  #9


Re: Anniversary

Rob wrote:

"..And it's very much solo- I have full legal and physical custody of my kids and he sees them for a few hours a week.."

Sounds like he chose this gender thing over his own kids.. cannot fathom the sickness that goes into that. Sadly not unheard of on this forum.

My hats off to you for your strength and perseverance..those kids have a great mother.

Yes, he chose this "gender identity" thing over both his wife and children.   He didn't have much of a relationship before he moved out and he has failed to seek any real help about how to parent.  My children, especially the oldest, really don't care if they see him at all.  It's sad.  I truly believe that fathers are very important to children's development, and now my children don't have one. 

But we are doing well.  It's not perfect, but my children feel secure in the life I am doing everything I can to provide for them.  When/if he does tell them, I anticipate more therapy for them, but for now, we are hanging in there. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 29, 2021 11:07 pm  #10


Re: Anniversary

StraightSpouse1979 wrote:

I have been off this site for a while but decided maybe I should return. My transgendered husband came out about 2 1/2 years ago. I still live in the same home with "him" and our 7 year old daughter. When I met my now bf of 1 1/2 years, I started the process of finding FT work but then covid hit and she had to be educated virtually so it was financially best to stay here so she and I could navigate her education. She starts back FT in school for 2 nd grade tomorrow. I finally found a FT job in June after working just part time since I had her in 2014. It has been a challenging job that has added a lot of stress to my life. My insomnia is worse. I have a lot of people who have been pushing me to move because I should have done that as well as the divorce by now. I do not want to be married. I am very uncomfortable in this "home" but am struggling with dealing w the new job and navigating this divorce process. Having your daughter prefer this "dad" to you is also a struggle of mine and worrying that she will not want to have anything to do with me when I leave here is also a struggle. I hope that you are doing well on your own and that having the divorce finalized has brought you some peace

Straight Spouse- you really should consult an attorney because the savings you are creating are marital assets and subject to being split.  I highly recommend that you get out ASAP and seek trauma-based therapy.  
 

     Thread Starter
 

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