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August 26, 2021 3:32 am  #1


What to do

I have been Married for 32 years to an amazing person and we have 2 Children a Son who is gay and has been out since he was 19 and has  been accepted for who he is by everyone around him he is now 30 we also have a married daughter with 3 beautiful children. My husband and I have worked together for over 14 years and we laugh together and do everything together, We actually are never apart.People say how amazing we are and how we bounce of each other and how much fun we are to be around.
What these people dont see is behind the 4 walls we have not had sex more than once a year for over 27 years he thinks kissing is dirty and if I try to cuddle up to him in bed he tells me not to touch him . I am a large lady and have always been large I am also very highly sexed and so want loves and cuddles .I have never cheated on my husband even though I have had the opportunity and I still have men find me attractive my husband knows and laughs about it. Since my children have been little I have thought could he possibly be Gay and even asked him at times and he has just told me to stop being insecure and stupid.11years ago after our son came put I found gay porn on the laptop I asked My husband why he had been watching gay porn and his answer was to try and understand our son better I believed this and asked him to talk to our son if he wanted to understand him more and we had a good family chat ect ect.In the last 12 years I have found numerous gay porn always gay porn on laptop his phone his tablet last year it finally came to the point I couldn't ignore it any longer and sent him a really long letter explaining that I knew he was watching this stuff f and how unloved I felt and that if he didn't change I was leaving I sent it in a letter as I didn't want to breakdown and feel that I was using my emotional distress to make him stay.His answer was one line (I promise I will change).2 days ago I found some new gay porn on the TV today when I checked again, the history had been wiped.What do I do ??
Do I keep ignoring it and spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me and who is my bestfriend but will not give me what I need physically and emotionally or do I leave and try to find someone who will give me the love and physical side of a relationship I so crave .I have lost all self worth and have been taking antidepressants for over 2 years and my husband is aware of how unhappy I am .I just dont know what to do I am 56 years old and feel I have let the best years miss me.

 

August 26, 2021 7:29 am  #2


Re: What to do

Hi Goldmattymiss,

Welcome to SSN. I am sorry that you have found yourself here. The question that you have asked is slightly wrong in one key respect. It is not that your husband won’t give you what you need, and more that he cannot give you what you need. The ladies on the forum will help give an insightful view on the issues you face in relationship with a gay man. I can only offer you my heartfelt best wishes with a sincere hope that you can find a solution that meets your needs.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 26, 2021 8:17 am  #3


Re: What to do

This is never an easy question to answer. Take the suggestions here under consideration but there's never just one right answer, in my opinion. Look at it from all sides and see what works for you.

You have a choice between the unknown possibilities vs the current situation, assuming everything stays the same. This last part is probably the most important. Is everything going to stay the same? Is he unwilling to work on his relationship? The secret behaviour? His porn habits?

His comments about you being insecure and stupid are unfair. You have every right to be concerned. I'd say that is a text-book example of minimizing the issue. Then he says he will change but it seems the only step he took is to double-down on covering his tracks.

One final thought from me at the moment - best friends are not always best lovers. Best friends shouldn't be abusive and unconcerned for your well-being.

I'm sure there will be more replies to you. Take care of yourself. Life deserves to be lived fully.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 26, 2021 8:33 am  #4


Re: What to do

I'm struggling about confronting or letting my gay or bi husband of 47 years have the computer images and possible chats for his satisfaction.  

 

August 26, 2021 8:48 am  #5


Re: What to do

Only you can decide what you are going to do now that your husband has confirmed that he is indeed gay.  Only you can decide whether you can "ignore" what you have long suspected and he has now confirmed.  If you're asking, "Can I leave him?" meaning "Have I tried hard enough?" or "Is it reasonable for me to want to exit the marriage?" the answer is "yes."  Clearly you've been a faithful wife to him--"faithful" in many senses.  Clearly his behavior has been duplicitous (he lied to you about why he watches gay porn; he ridiculed you when you asked him if he was gay).  But you have reached the point at which knowing the truth changes the way you interpret his behavior. 

Knowing the truth shifts your perception: it's no longer a case of "is he or isn't he, and if I don't know, then I can continue on."  Now it's "I know he is gay. Can I live daily--every waking and dreaming hour--with the knowledge that he has never loved me the way I loved him, that he lied to me, that he minimized my concerns, that he made me think I had the problem, that he used me as cover and to have a heterosexual appearing life while refusing me the experience of a heterosexual life, that he had no empathy for me over the years he was subjecting me to his lies and ill treatment?"  In short, "Can I continue to live with him knowing exactly how little I meant to him, except as a means to an end?" 

The other questions you must wrestle with are practical ones: Can I afford to leave?  How will I rebuild my life after divorce? What will my childrens' reaction be? Am I too old to start over?  Again, those are questions only you can answer for yourself.  Some of these questions you can answer by making lists of your resources (financial and other), of what you want out of life, what you would put in your life if you were single, etc.  Others would be well explored with a therapist trained in trauma recovery--because what you living with is the ongoing trauma of being deceived over decades.  (Look up Omar Minwall's "The Secret Sexual Basement."  You can search for the link using the "search" feature on this site or just google it.)

 Last, I'd like to add to Ordinary Guy's comment.  OG said the real issue is that your husband "can't give you what you need" [my emphasis], which is true in the most basic of respects: a gay man is not, and cannot be, sexually attracted to a woman.  However, clearly sexual attraction isn't the whole issue here.  The issue is also that your husband married you under false pretenses, knowing he was gay.  He committed to you, knowing he couldn't really commit to you.  He then had a family with you, knowing he was gay.  He committed to family life, knowing he was withholding himself.  He has refused to have sex with you for 27 years, and he won't even give you affection in the form of hugs and kisses.  And he has refused you sexual satisfaction while indulging himself with gay porn.  So it's not a question of simply acknowledging the reality of his homosexuality, or feeling sympathy/empathy for him (which can work to keep you in a situation that your body in no uncertain terms is telling you is unhealthy for you).  It's also a question of his behavior and what it indicates about the way he has devalued you as an equal human being over the years.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 26, 2021 8:55 am)

 

August 26, 2021 9:43 am  #6


Re: What to do

goldmattymiss, Sorry you find yourself here. I was in a long term (20 year) sexless marriage to a man who  denied he was gay the many times I asked him.

You may wish to consult a family law attorney to know what your legal and financial rights are in your jurisdiction. It gives you more options to consider.   Divorce is not the answer for all. It helped me close the door on an abusive marriage.


OutofHisCloset wrote:

So it's not a question of simply acknowledging the reality of his homosexuality, or feeling sympathy/empathy for him (which can work to keep you in a situation that your body in no uncertain terms is telling you is unhealthy for you).  It's also a question of his behavior and what it indicates about the way he has devalued you as an equal human being over the years. 
 

OoHC hit the mail on the head. Being devalued and used by my late GIDXH gutted my sense of self and ability to trust myself and others. That I'm still working on these issues a few years after the divorce and his death show how damaging his behavior was.

Take care of yourself.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 26, 2021 10:37 am  #7


Re: What to do

SLF wrote:

I'm struggling about confronting or letting my gay or bi husband of 47 years have the computer images and possible chats for his satisfaction.  

Hi SLF,

Would you like to start a new thread? It will help others offer you dedicated support and advice.

OG

Last edited by Ordinary guy (August 26, 2021 12:26 pm)


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 26, 2021 1:47 pm  #8


Re: What to do

Um, look there is another aspect to this too - nothing stays the same.  for sure I can tell you my long standing marriage to a gay in denial husband was a deteriorating affair.  By the time I left I was late 50's and the view ahead was of ageing together.

It made me think about what it would it be like to be under his care.  scared.  The worst thing was I realised he was wanting that to happen.  He was going to make it happen if he could.  I divorced him asap.

If finances make it impossible to set up separately maybe you can adjust your living arrangements, and think about your legal affairs.  

personally speaking, in answer to your question, I did feel like I wanted the chance to find love and in any event did not want my whole life to have been about him, I wanted the free air on my face.  

 

August 26, 2021 2:58 pm  #9


Re: What to do

My comments in red 

goldmattymiss wrote:

I have been Married for 32 years to an amazing person When my partner and I had been together 32 years he sent me an email saying he wanted, from me....permission to be able to explore with men. He suggested one day a month, I said no way, and for the next 3 years he bombarded me with suggestions of how we could 'improve' our life (read his sexlife) After 3 years I had had enough and said "that's it, I no longer want sex with you, or anyone, for the rest of my life" He accepted it but I waited for a backlash/him to leave/start arguments. He didn't. We get on well, always have. But my self-esteem took the biggest hit and of course I should leave but I'm used to this life we've made, financially, and I won't leave until I can walk into a situation that's similar to the one I have now 
and we have 2 Children a Son who is gay and has been out since he was 19 and has been accepted for who he is by everyone around him he is now 30 we also have a married daughter with 3 beautiful children. My husband and I have worked together for over 14 years and we laugh together and do everything together, We actually are never apart.People say how amazing we are and how we bounce of each other and how much fun we are to be around.
My oldest son (1st marriage) is bisexual and our youngest son told me him and his partner tried an open r'ship so I guess he is bi too because he said he enjoyed mmf. So many young men seem unsure and indecisive about their sexuality. I have yet to tell my youngest that an open r'ship changes the structure of what he has with his girlfriend and it changes it Forever.
Yeah Goldmatty....I thought, other people thought too, that our r'ship was the best

What these people dont see is behind the 4 walls we have not had sex more than once a year for over 27 years he thinks kissing is dirty and if I try to cuddle up to him in bed he tells me not to touch him . I am a large lady and have always been large I am also very highly sexed and so want loves and cuddles .If you take anything from my comments...take this. Do something definite about your situation before you lose that wonderful thing....your libido, your desire for love & cuddles....before it disappears. I have never cheated on my husband even though I have had the opportunity and I still have men find me attractive my husband knows and laughs about it. Since my children have been little I have thought could he possibly be Gay and even asked him at times and he has just told me to stop being insecure and stupid.11years ago after our son came put I found gay porn on the laptop I asked My husband why he had been watching gay porn and his answer was to try and understand our son better I believed this and asked him to talk to our son if he wanted to understand him more and we had a good family chat ect ect.In the last 12 years I have found numerous gay porn always gay porn on laptop his phone his tablet last year it finally came to the point I couldn't ignore it any longer and sent him a really long letter explaining that I knew he was watching this stuff f and how unloved I felt and that if he didn't change I was leaving I sent it in a letter as I didn't want to breakdown and feel that I was using my emotional distress to make him stay.His answer was one line (I promise I will change).2 days ago I found some new gay porn on the TV today when I checked again, the history had been wiped.What do I do ?? You change your focus. Stop filling your head with what your husbands doing, or has done/used to do/has said/promised. Can you trust it...really?
Do I keep ignoring it and spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me and who is my bestfriend but will not give me what I need physically and emotionally or do I leave and try to find someone who will give me the love and physical side of a relationship I so crave .I have lost all self worth and have been taking antidepressants for over 2 years and my husband is aware of how unhappy I am .I just dont know what to do I am 56 years old and feel I have let the best years miss me. When I was 56 I had several chances to see what was happening but I did nothing because because because....many reasons. What do you do, say you need time and space. Trial separation? Then
you honestly and deeply think about what's important to you

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 26, 2021 3:05 pm  #10


Re: What to do

SLF wrote:

I'm struggling about confronting or letting my gay or bi husband of 47 years have the computer images and possible chats for his satisfaction.  

SLF...welcome to the Forum. As Ordinary_guy says....it would be better to start a thread of your own. Start it on the Support Board maybe, click on New Topic

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

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