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September 13, 2021 1:43 pm  #31

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Your notes gave me chills, MJM. I'm so sorry that you had to go through those experiences.

My ex had Borderline Personality Disorder.

In my personal head cannon, I believe the majority of spouses in this forum who take the denial path have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. They take great joy in the deceit and manipulation of someone so close to them.


September 13, 2021 5:54 pm  #32

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Thanks, Upside. I am sorry you had to experience this. It never gets better as you know. 

I found out after my ex-h died that he was diagnosed with conduct disorder in grade school. He hit his 4th grade teacher. He went to a psychiatrist and attended an expensive "reform" school for troubled boys.   I wish his parents and siblings warned me before the marriage.

I can understand family members who want to believe they outgrow the issues.  I attended a few meetings of the National Alliance for The Mentally Ill (NAMI) for help with my mom late last year. It's a large and respected organization in the US offering peer support for family members who have mentally ill loved ones. Sorry if a repeat.

Most of the attendees had children with personality disorders who were in therapy. The parents all had goals for their children to attend college and become independent (rising above the disorder. )  Dating's part of that, unfortunately.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 13, 2021 5:54 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

July 26, 2022 8:52 am  #33

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Maria, how did u find out after he passed away?


July 26, 2022 5:00 pm  #34

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Hey Bandala, 

I totally get the worry about opening up the topic for discussion. But if I could go back and tell myself anything it would be to start talking earlier and earnestly with my ex about the issues I saw but was so worried to address. I ended up instigating these convos eventually. Looking back, starting these convos was the beginning of a process of me taking control of my life back in a situation in which I had become really passive, afraid, and disempowered. Do it for yourself. I second Soaplife's suggestion above to consider counseling and perhaps find a way to start these conversations in the context of couple's counseling. I also would have done this initially in retrospect...a lot of the first convos with my ex on this topic involved them denying and avoiding...and me buying it. It would have helped to have a mediator there to help keep things on track and to help suss out the red flags and indications of repression, since my ex was very avoidant, fearful themselves, and in denial. 


August 18, 2022 4:15 am  #35

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Replying to  bandala33 saying “I’m scared of her.”  I’m scared of mine, too.  My gay in denial husband.  It’s gone as far as a boyfriend who surfaced and stalked us, and GIDH still says I’m all he wants and it was a one time slip. It was more like 20 years of lies, me the cover story…cover wife, cover life. And I’m trying to get out, and I’m scared of the anger. He’s using it to keep me locked in a lie. So wrong. I’m sticking with plan A, a civil and circumspect spilt, for now. But if he bullies me, that’s it. It’s just not fair. If he bullies me, I’m going public, filing for divorce and letting the cards fall where they may. He has a high road we both can walk out on. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t stay there. The fear is such a bad sign, right? We are being manipulated. Ouch.


August 21, 2022 5:21 pm  #36

Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

She sounds like a piece of work.  She sounds so much like my own ex.

Here is how I routinely describe my own ex here:

“A GID narcissist abuser.”

My ex still has not admitted to being a lesbian despite being in a long term relationship with a woman.  Process that for a moment.

My ex calls it ‘bisexuality’.  From my pov, if there truly are two sexualities inside her, one is lesbian and the other is asexual.  In my marriage, she was fully asexual - and she abused me/resented me for expressing my own masculine heterosexual behavior.  Touching her, for example, was a no no, and she once told me that my touching her was extremely problematic and made her feel objectified. 


I married a woman in order to touch her.  If I wanted a no-touch relationship, the Internet would have satisfied me.  Alas.

I could be wrong.  I’m a stranger on the Internet.  However, based on what you have written, I would also describe your wife as “a GID narcissist abuser”.


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