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July 28, 2021 1:40 am  #11


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

newtotheclub wrote:

Can someone give examples of grey rock techniques..

I found that first I had to feel, deep down, that it was no longer good for me to be triggered, a personal decision to fight against what it was doing to me. Often I'd feel like I was above myself looking down, and pinpointing the trigger, his words, my reaction.
It got easier the more I pushed myself to see the triggers quicker 😀 It does feel sometimes like I'm under a cloud, having to control my emotions but being contained is far better than having them scattered willy-nilly, an emotional wreck.

I was on Chumplady for a bit. It wasn't for me.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 28, 2021 3:21 am  #12


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Chump Lady is for people who leave shitty relationships with horrible people - thats why the subtitle is Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life (also the title of her excellent kick-ass book).

If you have decided for what ever reason to stay in the relationship, Chump Lady of course won't work for you. You don't need reminding that it sucks daily.

I love her site and found huge support, advice and unexpected belly laughs as I left an abusive liar and started working on gaining a life. Its a great online community.

 

July 28, 2021 4:49 am  #13


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

longwayhome, you sound as if you need to decompress to someone in the real.  Do you have a person close by you can confide in? Or can you go away to visit someone, or suggest he go away, for a while for a break. It is hellish trying to do it alone, seeing them every day, putting up with the bitchiness, trying to keep your plan under wraps, trying to set boundaries, to get through each day without getting into those horrible pointless fights that go nowhere. It is very draining and stressful.  And very lonely. 

I will be eternally grateful to my two sisters who supported me without fail during the hard times; they listened unfailingly to me whenever I needed to decompress and gave me practical help if I needed it. But the main thing was they supported me emotionally and helped me find the strength and belief in myself that I needed to do the huge and scary thing that leaving is.

​I was so blessed to get a 2 month window of time right at the end when I had been made redundant at my job and my ghx was away in France on holiday, so I could act methodically and in peace.  A very busy two months - Continue therapy and counselling, secure a lawyer, sort out my finances, pack up my stuff, lease and furnish a unit to live in.  He arrived home late at night and the next morning I told him I was leaving as I walked (ran actually) out the door. I still have the scar on my arm where I hit it on the door lock plate in my haste to get out. 
 
I remember being so terrified that he would cotton on to my plans before I left ... little did I know that he didn't notice me enough to suspect anything. That was my first helpful discovery - so I stayed quiet and worked away on my stuff. I have written for most of my life on and off, and have earned a little money from it now and then. He was ok with that, so I wrote and published a historical romance enovel in the 18 months before I left - that kept me occupied with my 'hobby' and not having to interact with him.  Also gave me cover for spending a lot of time on the computer (incognito is your friend). 

It can feel like its impossible to see the end of it, but you will ... there is a better life on the other side.  .   

 

 

July 28, 2021 8:44 am  #14


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Morning,

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your feedback and time - thank you.

Soaplife, yes I recognize I need to decompress, I do that sometimes by posting here. This forum helps to keep the real me - real, so that helps. I also tell myself that the worst is behind me.

He watches my every move, my every mood. You’ve been there, you know what I mean. The best defence is to firmly stand up and not back down. You do these with the right boundaries and all the whole with as little engagement as possible. Thank you for your kind words - romance writer — one of my favourite kind of books, I found I can’t read these stories anymore though. Thank tou, I will get to that other side. I’m almost there. The last lap, right.

Newtotheclub:
Its been my experience not only are you in shock at finding everything out but to also uncover what you are in fact dealing with, wow……it does a number on you. You got this. You’ve made the realization.

But the de-programming of the relationship dynamics are yours to untangle too. They have, over time actually programmed us on how to respond to their needs. It’s insidious. One step at a time, one Ramani video at a time, she has all the steps covered off. Good luck, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Post here whenever you need help. It all helps. Use everything at your disposal. Take care. It’s about you now, watch your younger son. Keep him out of the all of this. Do not involve him. None of the kids.

Realize that and that will give you all the power you need yo get out as quickly as you can manage. Dr Rama I will keep you calm and walk you through. It’s my best possible advice. She saved me, that’s my honest opinion.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
     Thread Starter
 

July 28, 2021 9:31 am  #15


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Longway, I can't read romances any more either - or write them.  I'm glad you  are holding together and advancing towards your goal. Stay strong.

 

July 28, 2021 10:09 am  #16


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Thank you, just to clarify my above comment. Dr Ramani didn’t save me per say, she gave me the tools and the means to take the control over my life back, it was stolen from me unknowingly.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
     Thread Starter
 

July 28, 2021 10:43 am  #17


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

So i have always loved watching romantic comedies and reading books also.. i watched one yesterday and ended up crying knowing that now I dont enjoy them in the same way.... so Yes, that seems to be ruined for me at the current time.  I have what is considered a stressful job and have always watched romantic comedies to mellow out and it is not the same right now.

I totally see how the programming happens because now i am looking for it.  I notice that when he is finished talking on the phone.. he comes and asks me if i want water, if i ate or if i need something.. i am noticing the timing.. and then in the mornings he is very nice when he needs me to take care of something and compliments me on whatever.. i am thinking ... dude i cant stand you and you have been doing these things all along and I never noticed because I was not trying to.  The discovery is painful but insightful and seeing all these manipulation tactics just enforces my discontent with the situation.  I appreciate all of you sharing this insight because i was lost and programmed and trying to help him all the while i am the one that has the structure completely blown off.  I understand that better now and see how he watches me and how he "manipulates" me. 

I agree the Dr. Ramini videos are eye opening because i had no idea.. and that is how incredibly talented they are at their craft.  I did not even think he was a narcissist until it was mentioned here and I read and heard the explanations and thought... this super nice charasmatic man who has been so selfish with MY life fits the description.... I can't believe it!!!!

With the little that i have learned since it only has been a month i already see how CRAZY he turns when i just give him short answers and superficial conversations.  Yesterday he lost his mind and told me that he did not appreaciate that i was so cold and I am taking deep breaths and keeping it non emotional.  Of course i breakdown and cry when i am by myself because i still cant believe this is my f&*&(ing life right now.

sorry for rambling.


 

 

July 28, 2021 11:17 am  #18


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

NewtotheClub

"...seeing all these manipulation tactics just enforces my discontent with the situation."

  Yes, when the blinders come off what you see can bowl you right over.  I had a similar experience with my now-ex.  For one, I started noticing that what he did never matched what he said he'd do.  For another, I started noticing how often he pulled the "poor me" card as a means to establish a baseline for our conversations and negotiations in a bid to elicit my sympathy so I would be less likely to push him.  Most of all, however, I began to see how entitled he was and how unempathetic to my feelings and to the position he'd put me in.  In fact, he treated my feelings as attacks on him.  I began keeping an interior chalkboard on which I would write down the latest entitled utterance (the most egregious example has to have been in response to my going away for a long weekend to put some distance between me and the trans situation at home: "While you're gone," he said, "I'll think about what I want from you.").  He was pleasant only when he was getting his way--and I realized that I had unconsciously internalized this into my behavior over the course of our long marriage.

  Once you see and understand, there's no going back.  And once they understand that you are not responding to their cues as you have been, they become frustrated and, often, lash out and attack, although they also might flounder around trying out new strategies in hopes one can re-secure or corral you.  What they don't understand is that once we're onto them, every new instance of their manipulative or entitled behavior merely reinforces our determination to get free, which we can channel into concrete acts like a visit to a lawyer, gathering paperwork, making lists of our resources (financial, emotional, friend and family networks), and planning our exit.  

 You're doing great to have come as far as you have toward seeing the manipulation in just one month.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 28, 2021 11:19 am)

 

July 28, 2021 11:18 am  #19


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Newtotheclub,

Your biggest power - stay calm and observe all their behaviours. Stay aware. Don’t engage, in any of it. Take all references to their interpretation of your feelings, life back. You do this step by step, boundary by boundary.

You come here to ramble if you want, always better here, remember that, it’s a release.

Edited to add: your reference to your stressful job, you manage it, right, in meetings, in really hard spots, do the same thing at home. Also, stay out of the overwhelm state, you enter = you loose.

The other critical element, careful who you involve , the more family members, friends, the more opportunity you create for him snd more situations for you to be on the look out for. Only the people you absolutely need to get your plans off the ground. Build your full support quietly by keeping everybody out of the storyline to the degree possible. It’s what has worked for me the most. Just beteeen him and I = one situation to deal with. It’s enough believe me.

STBX’s only involvement with me now is in superficial conversations, so I find your comment very interesting indeed, it’s a total flip in approach.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 28, 2021 1:07 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
     Thread Starter
 

July 29, 2021 6:32 am  #20


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Longway,

"...He watches my every move, my every mood. You’ve been there, you know what I mean.."

Yes...I stoicly kept to my routines while going through the divorce.   Status quo I called it.    It was good to hide behind...gave her the sense of control she thought she had.  This included money going into the joint account..her paying the bills as usual.

You could say I kept all my vows till the end.   I already had my own checking account..no money going in.  The day the divorce was signed I told she was done..I would pay the bills.   Simple flip of where the money went...her money to the joint or wherever she wanted it. To be paid when she left the home.

Status quo..super gray rock..  what confused me was how shocked and angry she was...she wanted a divorce and to be with her gay lover...but thought she would have full control of all money for our joint household.. which didn't exist anymore. 

Do not be swayed or feel guilty by their sense of entitlement.    This is all their doing..there are consequences and costs to breaking their marriage vows.  We know in our bones they knew this..but they hurt us anyway.   


Wishing you strength and fortitude..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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