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July 27, 2021 11:32 am  #1


Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

I don’t trust anything. I’ll start with that.

So it’s been a month since my work contact ended. I decided I wouldn’t leave as originally planned to go on a short vacation.     

I’m trusting my instincts - I’m  not taking any breaks until I see this through, I’m not pausing. Otherwise it’s all this time - not moving forward and it gives him that much more time to plan things, maybe. Not taking chances.

So, my son is now back at work, his holiday done, time at home went fairly quiet- which is whati deserved- it’s his yearly holiday, can’t be with fiancée either.

Things that have occurred over the last three weeks:

- In week one, after I stopped working. I sent him all the info he needed to know (to begin the process) of separation. I sent him all the links via a text. Told him to make sure to read it all - because I wasn’t going to be arguing legalities with him (I work with all types of legalities, laws- lol). He replied he had blocked me. Good, no more texts from him. It’s now in week three - no text from him still. 😊.

- I’ve have put up one boundary after another. I have engaged in conversations (superficial ones -that’s where he wants to keep them). Fine with me. He is more civil by the day.

- He slips though. Yesterday afternoon, he started telling me how I should be feeling about a certain thing. That’s a trigger for me. He doesn’t get to tell me what and when I feel, or how I should feel. That’s one of his favourites, I now call it kind manipulations. He went to bed.

- Now, that money I’ve saved up over the last two years is still sitting in my bank account. Since that first fight about it and I told him - it’s staying there until we get this looked at legally, he has left me alone. I showed him all the money - it’s still there. He can view it anytime he wants. He hasn’t asked to see view it again.

- He has started working full time because I told him two months ago, he better start planning because I’m serious about this separation. He switched over to full time inside of two weeks he had the necessary paper work done and went to the office to sign off on it too. This triggered me greatly. But it’s all good it’s what I wanted. But I wasn’t prepared for the speed in which he responded.

Monday night I ordered Chinese food, I did ask my son and Stbxi if they wanted to add to my order. Stbx, replied no and kind of snarled - if we are suppose to be saving money, I  shouldn’t  be ordering out. ????  I ordered dinner for my son and I. He went to bed. 

- I have told him over and over again, over the last 20 months, my plan is not to out him. I would not do that to him and I certainly would not take any chance/risks of any possible fall out on my son or myself. Why?  I want out. I want no contact with him. If my son wants a relationship, that is up to him, he knows what he is dealing with, I’ve never called it by a label, just bad behaviours.

- Two days ago, he asked me, have you told anyone? I told him no. I haven’t. The only people who know is my son and I, we know he had the hook up. We were together when I discovered TGT. Emotions took over, I couldn’t  disguise my reaction. Stbx knows our son was sitting beside me watching a movie when the hook up text came in. I told stbx how it all unfolded.

My son knows nothing else other than his dad is bisexual and that we were going to try to keep our relationship together. That lasted two days for reasons I’ve repeated over and over again in this forum.

My best friend knows everything and I trust her with my life, but I have purposely kept all visible contacts with her under the radar. My older sister knows about TGT, she knows not to call too often.

Anyways, so he leaves today to go pick up his lunch for tonight and as he closes the front door, he says, I saw your paycheque was deposited in our joint account. I wasn’t expecting that, I guess if I can’t trust you now, I never will. He closes the door and he leaves.

I’m not changing course on anything. Just curious on what your thoughts of this turn in direction might signify.

Thanks.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 27, 2021 2:33 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

July 27, 2021 12:04 pm  #2


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Just protect yourself financially because when its gone its gone.
As for him, just keep focusing on your exit.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 27, 2021 12:22 pm  #3


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

I would suggest continuing the gray rock technique since you're living together. Don't engage with his efforts to fan the flames of his anger. Don't show anger towards him. Journal or get a voodoo doll of him to stick pins into instead.  His snarling and all will get worse as you inch closer towards divorce and financial agreement. Can guarantee you he's doing this to get more $$ out of you than he deserves.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 27, 2021 12:44 pm  #4


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Longway,
 I'm not sure I understand the situation with that paycheck at the end of your post. 
 I was under the impression that your big paycheck for the contract work you did is in your bank account, not a joint one with your husband.  
 Is the one he was talking about an additional paycheck of yours that was deposited into your joint account?
  If this is the case, and he made the comment "I guess if I can't trust you now, I never will," after seeing that, I would say that yes, he is attempting to manipulate you by say he is well-disposed toward you.  This would raise all sorts of alarms in me, and I would be on high alert to pay attention to him making off with the money or otherwise engaging in some financial maneuver.  (Hasn't he taken out loans in your joint name?)

 All I can say is that you should not let down your guard and look at all his actions with a suspicious eye as designed to benefit himself and to push you off balance.  Also, I wouldn't waste my time engaging him in any conversation about what you have said to whom and when.  I would also hold that card of your not having told anyone in reserve as a bargaining chip in the divorce negotiations.  I know my now-ex was so terrified I would out him (or that the court record would reveal the truth) that he didn't give me any trouble in divorce negotiations.  

 

July 27, 2021 12:59 pm  #5


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

I redirected the last four days of my last pay to our joint account. That’s it.

He seems to think I have told everyone, I haven’t. This is very, very important to him. Very!!

My bargaining chips if it comes to that and yes I have threatened him with it if he gives me a hard time exiting the marriage:

1) I haven’t told anyone, but I could, if …
2) I took a picture of the hook up text showed it to him during those first two days and hid it- it can be recovered……
3) told him, it’s not the way I would want to proceed, but am prepared to do so, if he gives me any problems.
4) Told him, don’t doubt me, I had one if the best teachers

I mean it. It’s not my favoured approach, he knows this of me, I don’t like conflict, But he also knows - don’t step on my toes once I decided to do something too, because I am one determined woman once I decide I am going to do something. 

Edited to add:

I believe he believes when I say I haven’t told, which is true, I haven’t - not once in the last 20 months did anything change in our environment eg more calls coming in, no, which would have occurred had I told my family, believe me. Stress them out for what. They can’t do anything to help me unless I need their help, if he acts out. No acting out, no problem from my end.

It’s so sad, I don’t like being this way, but it is, what it is. I like the new term I learned. Ethical manipulations. I don’t like manipulating people not at all, it’s not who I am. But I do whatever it takes. All in a ‘firewall’ safe kind of way, so to speak. It’s been working.

I can’t ignore him and grey rock doesn’t work on a full time basis. It angers him, he caught on to this within hours. I do not have a monotone voice/tone, so it is very telling when I switch over.

Superficial conversations is what he wants from me  - ok. No problem, just super, super boring.  They don’t last long and it keeps him quiet. Maybe it’s his way of feeling that I’m ok. I don’t know.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 27, 2021 2:38 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
     Thread Starter
 

July 27, 2021 9:06 pm  #6


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Can someone give examples of grey rock techniques. I find myself in a lot of difficult interactions.  I try monotone, short answers and I end with extremely irrate situations.  I am trying to detach but I feel like i have to take a course to survive this... I doubt he puts this much effort as i am since it is all about him and he can do anything and say anything he wants.  It almost feels like i am on survivor or naked and afraid.

 

July 27, 2021 9:26 pm  #7


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

newtotheclub wrote:

Can someone give examples of grey rock techniques. I find myself in a lot of difficult interactions.  I try monotone, short answers and I end with extremely irrate situations.  I am trying to detach but I feel like i have to take a course to survive this... I doubt he puts this much effort as i am since it is all about him and he can do anything and say anything he wants.  It almost feels like i am on survivor or naked and afraid.

This topic is probably worthy of its own thread! I discovered Chump Lady through this forum. She's all about the grey rock. You might find some useful tips on her site. https://www.chumplady.com/tag/grey-rock/
 

 

July 27, 2021 9:48 pm  #8


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Newtotheclub

Just a word of caution about chump lady - it’s very difficult to read chump lady and expect to do gray rock. I agree with everything she says 100% but I found her too triggering for my situations.

Here are other Ramani videos. She has a divorce series just starting too.


You do feel scared and naked because you don’t feel safe. I hope you have your own space you can escape to, your own bedroom? Turn that into your oasis. When you can’t stand it anymore, go to your room.

I was in lockdown for most of my time with him, so I needed to get real good at boundaries real quick, it’s not regular boundaries.

I strongly urge you to stay with Dr Ramani or Terry Cole (Psychotherapist - boundaries Npd) - YouTube. Not all channels are created equally, careful).

Soul distancing as a method of dealing with narcissists:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9P41Vifec

Boundaries (a must):
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dZrcEmRafwM

Why setting boundaries with a narcissist is so hard: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rOw-niCUp-U

Understanding the narcissist poor boundaries: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ue_q_HBgBIY

Grey rock is- better suited for work environment. Rama I does have gray rock videos and she explains why they often don’t work.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 28, 2021 6:53 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
     Thread Starter
 

July 27, 2021 9:52 pm  #9


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

newtotheclub wrote:

Can someone give examples of grey rock techniques. I find myself in a lot of difficult interactions.  I try monotone, short answers and I end with extremely irrate situations.  I am trying to detach but I feel like i have to take a course to survive this... I doubt he puts this much effort as i am since it is all about him and he can do anything and say anything he wants.  It almost feels like i am on survivor or naked and afraid.

An internet search turns up a number of explanations.  Here is one that explains pros and cons and suggests when and how to use it that chimed pretty well with my experience. It should be part of a plan not THE plan. Its best used as self-defence and self-protection while exiting and after exit. Its not a way to punish or exact revenge on the partner in a continuing relationship.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy%3famp

Last edited by Soaplife (July 27, 2021 10:00 pm)

 

July 27, 2021 10:40 pm  #10


Re: Things can change so quickly all of a sudden - whiplash

Yeah, Lyla, it can have its own thread. That's the truth!

It's easier when you have brief interactions - like coparenting or at work where you don't have a deep, emotional relationship.

It's an art form when you live with the person.  They catch on with the monotone and they do the usual - start a fight.

I've used the below to keep myself at arm's length with difficult people.
-------

With daily interactions use you usual voice but make small talk about superficial subjects. Kind of like you're at work or at party with people you don't know well. You have to be social but sidestep your true feelings and opinions. Talk about the weather, you like their new haircut, what about the Olympics!, the car needs an oil change, etc. Don't discuss anything deep, or try to get emotional support from them. Cut them out of your life with a smile and pleasant nonsense coming out of your mouth as you live together.

Don't be around them in the house as much as you can manage without them noticing.  Watch more tv, listen to more music. This is called low contact. My late ex's behavior was the same as above through our marriage, interlaced with verbal and emotional abuse.  He was a charming, superficial guy. 
----------
It's not foolproof and they will act up. You detach and it's hard to not take their terrible behavior personally sometimes.

Am hoping others will chime in with ideas.

Sorry you have to go through this. It's not easy and it's unpleasant. I hope you can get out of the marriage as soon as you can.  You deserve a lot better than this.

Remember to vent here when needed. All of us understand. We are definitely here to support you.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 27, 2021 11:22 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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