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1 of 1- SickSadWeeb
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How come I always feel like the villain?
Its been 3 weeks and I still live with my LX, she keeps showing me gay memes/music videos/content. These last few days ive been feeling very homophobic and that made me feel awful about myself. I used to be very homophobic as a kid and teen and worked really hard to untrain my brain to think like that. Now anytime I see anything remotely homosexual slurs just start spinning in my brain. And I get so angry, it makes me feel like im falling into old bad habits and that could be a slippery slope for other old bad habits to show themselves. I have 3 people I talk to about this, one of them is begging me to set more boundaries revolving gay media. Not only does she not want to see me act like that but she could tell i was really upset with myself and promised me my LX would have to be understanding ive been so fucking good about all of this myself. So I asked her last night, since then, 4 gay music videos, 6 lil nas x memes(almost offensively gay) and a slew of random gay tiktoks. I asked today if she could just stop already, wth i tried to set this boundary last night. Since then, cold shoulder for 7 hours, not allowed to see her but can only her sobbing because " I hate her " no I fucking dont, i told you I fucking dont so many times. "But you;ll hate me for how i act now" WELL JUST PUT SOME DAMN THOUGHT TO YOUR ACTIONS. "Everything on my brain is just gayagayagay and i feel like i cant share anything about me to you". So now...I sit here and listen to the women i love cry, over something i said, because shes afraid to talk to me.
At what point after how many years of sacrifice will I finally stop being the damn villain? I hate living here, in this whole state, i have nobody who will even let me goto their house for a weekend.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How come I always feel like the villain?
SickSadWeeb wrote:
Its been 3 weeks and I still live with my LX, she keeps showing me gay memes/music videos/content. These last few days ive been feeling very homophobic and that made me feel awful about myself. I used to be very homophobic as a kid and teen and worked really hard to untrain my brain to think like that. Now anytime I see anything remotely homosexual slurs just start spinning in my brain. And I get so angry, it makes me feel like im falling into old bad habits and that could be a slippery slope for other old bad habits to show themselves. I have 3 people I talk to about this, one of them is begging me to set more boundaries revolving gay media. Not only does she not want to see me act like that but she could tell i was really upset with myself and promised me my LX would have to be understanding ive been so fucking good about all of this myself. So I asked her last night, since then, 4 gay music videos, 6 lil nas x memes(almost offensively gay) and a slew of random gay tiktoks. I asked today if she could just stop already, wth i tried to set this boundary last night. Since then, cold shoulder for 7 hours, not allowed to see her but can only her sobbing because " I hate her " no I fucking dont, i told you I fucking dont so many times. "But you;ll hate me for how i act now" WELL JUST PUT SOME DAMN THOUGHT TO YOUR ACTIONS. "Everything on my brain is just gayagayagay and i feel like i cant share anything about me to you". So now...I sit here and listen to the women i love cry, over something i said, because shes afraid to talk to me.
At what point after how many years of sacrifice will I finally stop being the damn villain? I hate living here, in this whole state, i have nobody who will even let me goto their house for a weekend.
SSW...you're going to have to be smarter & stronger than her. She's running rings around you by telling you it's "your fault" It's not your fault, it's not her fault....you're simply both being pulled apart in separate directions but because you share (yes share) this emotional r'ship the only way to see it clearly is to look at it UNemotionally and accept some hard truths. Only then you may get a shift in how you see all this.
Block her on social media? Stand up to her blatant disregard of your own history, she's not the only one going through hell.
I can't remember if you have family close or far away?
Elle
KIA KAHA