And after reading all the posts here, I know it is not the worst thing that can happen. I consider myself lucky in so many ways. I have a nice home, wonderful friends and family, a good job. At my age, I can't wish for anything else.

But at the time it hits, it is so intense it feels like the end of the world. I never knew that kind of pain before or since. But we can heal and move on. Now I want to encourage newbies not to get stuck in the pain. I can still cry 18 months later, but most days I don't. Keep hope that better times will come. They will.

I'm glad people find my observations to be helpful.  I won't claim to be any sort of poet or writer, but it felt like the thoughts came together clearly in my head one night and I wanted to capture and share it. 

I've been thinking about using this for my own personal coming out party.  I want to "come out" as a straight spouse.  I want to raise awareness for the people affected by this tragedy.  I want to bring attention to the innocent lives that are ruined when gay people try to hide and avoid how they are wired.  I'm sick of reading the applause given to people who come out as gay after divorcing their hetero spouse and I want to see support and consolation given to those wives and husbands and children who had their lives crushed by a fraud. 

So I'm thinking about revisiting the original text to see if I can clean it up and make it a bit shorter and easier to read.  Perhaps a bit more poetic.  Perhaps I'll post it as a blog and create my own blog site or maybe I can get the Str8 spouse homepage to post it in their blog.  Then I'm thinking about posting it publicly on my facebook page and sharing what I consider to be my new cause in life.  I desperately want to validate my pain and agony by using it to help others.  I'm a deeply religious person and I believe God is in control of my life and uses the hard times for good.  I haven't been able to see the good in my own life so I cling to the hope that I can help others get through their struggles.  Maybe my advice can ease someone else's pain.  Maybe my support can convince someone that they have a future and a life worth living so they can get through this.  Maybe I can save a life someday by preventing a suicide.  That would make my agony worth enduring. 

 

Last edited by lostdad (January 16, 2017 6:13 pm)

Lostdad,

Go for it.   I've gone through this and it's just not totally in my rearview yet....
I would like to help others but I still need  some help also.  Getting there.

Ie.
I go to mass alone. I'm there to thank God and pray for strength and for my family.  I'm getting used to going alone even though I see all the intact families which makes me sad.  This Sunday during the our father I have no one to hold hands with.ok...the mother behind me (with her beautiful family) puts her hand on my shoulder as we are all praying as a community.  I could all but stop  myself from crying..does she know how starved for physical contact of any sort I am?  A complete stranger could touch me but my now ex wife  could not.  My ex told me I was garbage and withdrew all physical  contact like a light switch. 

I offer a warm hug to my fellow straights.

Hi JenS. 
Welcome to the club.  I'm so sorry to hear your story.  My heart goes out to you.  Many of us were betrayed and lied to by awful people who stole our lives away from us.  But some of us had it even worse and were abused, both physically and mentally.  I'm so sorry you fall into this last category.  You deserved better that this in life.  I'm so happy to hear that you have taken steps to reclaim your life and move forward without that awful man.  Go Jen!!!!

As I said, there are some ladies here who were abused for years.   I'm hoping that Judy will post here or reach out to you with help and advice.  There are a lot of others as well.  

You will find help and support here.. .you came to the right place. 

I will tell you that you don't need to keep the secret.  You don't owe him that.  I'm not saying you should publicly out him.. that would backfire and he could be dangerous.  But you must find some close friends and family that you can confide in and ask for help and support.  

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through for so long.  What you've endured is just horrific.  No human has the right to do that to another person.

Your husband is gay, and for whatever reason, appearing straight is the single most important thing in the world to him.  More important than his marriage, than his children, than living honestly and authentically.  He will therefore do ANYTHING to protect the secret from coming to light.  No one does or will ever care about his secret as much as he does.  He is never going to admit that he's gay - he can't even admit it to himself.  The secret is so important that he will abuse his wife to keep it.  It's never going to come out as truth from his lips to you or anyone else you ever tell.  BUT..... this is YOUR life, too.  YOU have every right to tell anyone and everyone that YOUR husband is gay and you've been suffering in an abusive relationship to hide the fact that he's gay.  If he wanted the fact that he's gay to be only HIS secret, then he could have remained unmarried and uncommitted and done whatever he wanted on the down-low.  He didn't do that - he committed to you falsely that he was straight (which is implied in a male/female relationship unless otherwise disclosed).  He stood and committed to you before God that he'd put you before all others - but that was NEVER his intention - he fully intended to put himself before you and all others, and he has.  He is a liar and a fake - and you have every right to walk away without guilt, and to disclose your life's story to anyone you so desire.  That's your right.

He will continue to be cruel and try to manipulate the truth to suit his needs.  Count on it.  Forever, unless someone offers him a reason to believe that life would be better if he came out as gay.  Don't count on that happening.  He will do anything to protect his secret, which means that you need to assume every.single.step of the way that he's going to attempt to make you out to be a liar, a crazy person, and evil.  He will not slink silently away - which would honestly be so much easier for you both.  THE.SECRET is the most important thing here, so he will fight to protect that as if it is his baby.  Protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially.  Take all that you can, because the only things you will leave with are what you decide to take.  He's never going to give you more than what you clutched to yourself as your right.  So many of us are just glad to get OUT of the situation that we figure we're willing to lose it all - and we willingly give up too much just to prove that this isn't about money or possessions.  But you've endured much and for a long, long time.  Take what you need to survive moving forward - it's your right and you need to fight for it.

I wish you the best.  Continue to seek counseling for yourself.  Continue to move forward with your lawyer.  Get away from this man and you'll see how much better life will be.

Kel