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July 27, 2021 4:12 pm  #11


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Upside wrote:

.

My guess is that his bag was a gym bag or a spa bag? It is highly likely he was meeting men at this space or during this time.

I'm male and had never dated online until 2021. The most shocking finding was how easy it would be to hook up with men. I could literally start an account and have sex in about an hour. Many proactive offers in a day, and I'm clearly marked as straight. This isn't to alarm you, just indicate that his desire for men, searching for male porn, paired with the condoms is more than enough information to indicate where his mind was headed. Whether intent or action, his path towards action is clear.

If I were you I would contact a lawyer. Understanding options available to you might be best.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

I agree...It certainly doesn't look good. Given his age, he's probably visiting bath houses rather than apps...though, wow, you are so right about how easy it is for these men to "order" sex... like it's a pizza. I downloaded Grindr once...the same morbid curiosity that keeps me going to the "MarriedandBi" sub on Reddit (despite its effect on my mental health). I didn't even have a photo or fill out a profile...and within seconds, I was being sent unsolicited photos from men in my neighborhood. I live in the city now, but at the time I lived in a very liberal suburban neighborhood. I could not believe how many married "downlow" dads were on there...in my quaint little town. It was truly disturbing...thinking of their wives...who probably think they have "the perfect marriage." Horrific. 

 

July 28, 2021 9:53 pm  #12


Re: Late in Life Discovery

I am totally overwhelmed by the responses from you all with such great support. Totally overwhelmed. Just wanted to say thank you. I read your responses as confirming what I have been thinking. I am still somewhat in a state of shock and denial. It is hard for me to believe in this hidden part of him, even though I know it is true. I look at him and think "who is this man?" After the initial shock subsided, I was angry for about a week. Now I cannot generate enough energy to be angry. I am deeply sad most of the time--for me and for him. I do empathize with his situation, which doesn't excuse his behavior. He was/is a product of his strict religious upbringing and the cultural norms of the 60's. But I am not sleeping well. It is hard to get out of bed in the morning. I still work full-time in a career that is important to me, but it is so hard to concentrate--I am struggling to keep up. I work for a couple of hours, then feel exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. Still working from home, so I take naps. Not good for productivity. I am doing my best to cut myself a break and lower expectations.

I have read somewhere-- and can't find it again right now-- about the importance of distancing from the GIDH. I don't understand that advice and would appreciate hearing more about that. Maybe it has something to do with this experience of mine: I have been able to get away to visit friends and family twice for 5 days each time. When I am away, my thoughts and feelings are clear--that we need to separate, perhaps divorce eventually. When I come home, I become very anxious, find it hard to imagine taking that major step. We resume our typical routine, and it all seems (almost) normal. He, of course, has been super nice since I brought this all up. I realize he is trying to save his marriage, save his cover. But it has an effect on me. Perhaps the distancing is to protect myself in a way that I can think more clearly?

     Thread Starter
 

July 28, 2021 10:34 pm  #13


Re: Late in Life Discovery

I know what you mean when you talk about going away, feeling fine & being almost determined yet coming home and slipping into that old shoe of familiarity.
I have lightbulb moments most mornings. THIS IS WHAT I SHOULD DO! then my day starts, life is easy, I'm not pushed to make a decision...so I just accept I'm not ready yet, to make The Move.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 29, 2021 12:57 am  #14


Re: Late in Life Discovery

QuietOne wrote:

...

I have read somewhere-- and can't find it again right now-- about the importance of distancing from the GIDH. I don't understand that advice and would appreciate hearing more about that. Maybe it has something to do with this experience of mine: I have been able to get away to visit friends and family twice for 5 days each time. When I am away, my thoughts and feelings are clear--that we need to separate, perhaps divorce eventually. When I come home, I become very anxious, find it hard to imagine taking that major step. We resume our typical routine, and it all seems (almost) normal. He, of course, has been super nice since I brought this all up. I realize he is trying to save his marriage, save his cover. But it has an effect on me. Perhaps the distancing is to protect myself in a way that I can think more clearly?

Yes thats it QuietOne. Notice how when you are not with him you can see yourself in a future without him. You are less inclined to fall in with what HE wants and more thinking about what YOU want.

You have lived your very abnormal 'normal' for a long time.  It is very familiar. You are used to it. The 'normal' Where what he wants comes first and you don't really figure except as enabler for what he wants is dysfunctional.  When you get away from it you see the dysfunction more clearly.

It isnt comfortable (in fact as you indicate, its pretty terrifying) when the truth breaks through the image management we work so hard to maintain for our GID partners.

How you face that is up to you.  Go for truth and see a lawyer about divorce, or keep on spackling up the cracks. You know what he wants.  The big important question for you is: what do you want. Is the current situation acceptable to you?

Best of luck, it really does suck. Either way is hard.   I found the truth and divorce was my answer, you may find differently.

Wishing you strength and wisdom.

 

July 29, 2021 9:45 am  #15


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Physical distancing is definitely part of it!  Physical distance provides useful perspective.  You get out of the abnormal, surround yourself with others in less disordered realities and marriages, which provides a lens through which you can re-evaluate what you are too close to at home to be able to see clearly. And if you can talk to others, you get a perspective outside ouf your spouse's.  I remember how a year and a half after my husband's disclosure I made a trip back to my childhood home for my mother's birthday, and even though at that time I was not yet ready to share with my family the news about my spouse (wasn't 100% sure I could/would leave; was still carrying his shame, because, urged on by my spouse, I hadn't yet understood it wasn't mine to carry but his), while I was there I thought, "If I were to tell my mother and  sister what I'm going through, they would both without hesitation say, 'Get out!'"  I also that summer made a solo trip to a family vacation home, and in interacting with and observing a set of married couple friends in town, thought, "This is a normal relationship.  This is a healthy marriage."  I had marinating in dysfunction and redefining the abnormal as normal for decades, had for so long been immersed in that proverbial pot of water slowly moving to the boil, that these insights (revelations!) came as a shock.

  When you return home, you re-immerse yourself in the familiar which, from long use, feels "comfortable," but having had the insights you have, never again feels right or normal.  To understand that the familiar exerts a pull but that it isn't healthy or desirable is a huge step forward.  

 Other distancing techniques are mental ones.  Becoming an observer is one of them.  Pay attention to what he does, rather than what he says.  Re-framing is another: seeing that his "super-nice" behavior to you now is all in service to preserving his cover and retaining his beard (you).  Arming yourself with knowledge about the techniques and habits of disordered personalities (living a life in hiding requires learning to compartmentalize, and managing one's guilt about deceiving one's wife through rationalization that makes the deceiver into the victim in his eyes and therefore justifies whatever he has "had" to do) gives you information that allows you to check and assess your emotions with your intellect.  Reframing is accompanied by "talking-back," in which you challenge your old pattern of taking responsibility, of sympathy for your spouse first and making excuses for his behavior, of putting your spouse first, of spending your time trying to explain his actions to yourself or sort out his problems, because now it's yourself you have to sort out, and it's you who needs your efforts, and it's your future that you must put first. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 29, 2021 9:51 am)

 

July 29, 2021 12:04 pm  #16


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Hi quiet one, I can relate to your screen name.  When you think about it there's a basic disrespect in hiding his true identity from you isn't there.  It's been there right from the start.  It seems to me to go hand in hand with being manipulative.  

If you can give yourself that emotional distance to stand back and observe him you are likely to see how he is manipulating you.

I think it is inevitable that the ability to manage you gets a bit threadbare over time, and reality sets in.  

I was 19 when I met my ex and 57 when I realised he was GID.  The next stage was truly horrible as I started to observe him rather than engage - he was so different to how I had imagined he was.  Then I got to think about growing old in the same house with him and got scared.  Leaving the familiar is very frightening, it just is, and it certainly doesn't get easier with age, but staying in his vicinity was worse.

I was able to walk out with enough to set up a home for myself.  From the first night I felt better.  I relaxed In some way inside myself like I hadn't been for so long I didn't even know I wasn't and had a peaceful night's sleep.  After a few days I lay on the living room carpet and cried my eyes out and luxuriated in having the space to do it - have my feelings.  

There's a reason why we fear leaving the familiar, and loneliness - it does hurt and I haven't found it easy all the time but very much I am glad I made the move.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

August 6, 2021 11:20 pm  #17


Re: Late in Life Discovery

I have been reading and re-reading these posts from last week--so much to learn--so helpful. Tonight I have experienced more of the "trickle truth." I found a receipt from Diaper-Bois for some unknown purchase. Had to look it up to see what this site was and am sitting here totally shocked. A website/support group for gay, bi men and/or men who love diapers--who are sexually stimulated by wearing diapers. I also found a private email account with >3 year history of messaging a couple of men with details about this diaper fetish. Does anyone know anything about this? Is this primarily a gay/bi thing or do straight men also have this fetish? I am generally a very tolerant person, but this makes me ill. It literally seems sick in a mental health sort of way. This seems worse than TGT--but I am thinking it may be a part of it for him. I also learned in the emails that he has been meeting up with these men when he has traveled with me to conferences, when he has been working out of state, etc. The emails are quite personal --he shares things with two of them that he never, ever shared with me. And, yes, he has had sexual experiences with men. I am just sick. I don't even know who this man is, my husband of >40 years.

     Thread Starter
 

August 6, 2021 11:43 pm  #18


Re: Late in Life Discovery

I don't recall any other form members mentioning this particular fetish before.

Please remember to take care of yourself. These types of discoveries can be overwhelming. For some of us there came a point when we knew enough and there was little to be gained by further investigation.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 7, 2021 12:01 am  #19


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Oh QuietOne I am so sorry.  I have heard of this fetish. Its pretty disgusting.

Its all so distressing, so shocking.  Please take care of yourself and think seriously about protecting yourself, your mental and physical health (STI tests if you are still sexually active with him in any way) and your future. 

He's spending your retirement money on other men and this expensive freakery ...

((Hugs))

 

August 7, 2021 9:01 am  #20


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Quiet one, please take the guidance/information from the above two post into serious consideration.  Do you need to know anymore?

Anything else you discover could take you to roads you might rather not travel. Just be very careful of the impacts of all of this on yourself.

Forgetting about ourselves sometimes seems be a common theme in these relationships.

Take care.


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

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