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July 25, 2021 7:29 am  #1


How should I handle this situation

I am stuck a few weeks after D-Day and have tried to manage through all the feelings of being lied to and deceived for 27 years.  So my current situation is I now live with a gay husband who has an emotional boyfriend that lives abroad. He talks to him on the phone and I am sure the explicit conversations happen when I am not around so when they speak while I am around (not in the same room) it seems PG.  I trust my GH 0.00 because as many of you warned me.. i was just scratching the surface when i first knew and i am so disappointed that I will just say you were right ... and in a heated converstion he even mentioned to me that he could have sex with somoene by just sending a text... i am like... BYE.  It has never been clearer.... the sooner i can get you out of my life the better.  I wish unloving and detaching would be sold in stores so I could buy the cure.. but i am working on that.

I am super annoyed about this and i am trying to detach but I am struggling and it pisses me off so much.   I now see the selfish narcissist that I was not able to see before.  Everything is about how he feels.  Even me feeling bad and sad he makes it about him and how horrible and emotional it is for him to see me upset.  I can't leave because we have a 17 year old and that is going to take time to sort out.

Have any of you had a spouse in the house and had to deal with this. I thought about going out but I cant imagine having to go out every day and I am so upset that I dont even want to talk to my GH because it makes me crazy.  All the emotions I am working to manage resurface like anger and passive aggressiveness who is not me.

 

 

July 25, 2021 8:01 am  #2


Re: How should I handle this situation

So this morning I tried to just be neutral and monotone and it already drove him nuts.  He is already asking why are you upset you seem made what is going on with you?  Oh what is going on with me.. you turned my world upside down? i said, i am fine thanks.. reading some stuff and he just looked at me i am sure thinking i am the selfish one for not taking care of him.  then he went to instagram and posted something like.. "if you value something take care of it"... and I am laughing (and crying) inside thinking..yeah you should of valued me.  But it is all about him.  Honestly the talking to someone else is the trigger for me because the gay part is hard but coming out and telling me you have an emotional connection is WAY too much.

Thanks for the advice and will look up Dr. Ramani. I need all the help I can get until I can break free.

     Thread Starter
 

July 25, 2021 8:32 am  #3


Re: How should I handle this situation

Just go about your day and start making your plans for when you can get out.  

 

July 25, 2021 9:14 am  #4


Re: How should I handle this situation

Not sure how to interpret the instagram post. I'm split between two choices. Either he needed to get some narcissistic fuel from others liking his post or it was bait to get you to respond, potentially allowing him to portray himself as the victim. In either case, no response is the best response.

He's not going to like change. Not your problem.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 25, 2021 9:25 am  #5


Re: How should I handle this situation

Newtotheclub, i left my marriage 4.5 years ago, been  divorced 3 years, 

i suggest getting legal advice quietly, just for yourself, as to what divorce might look like for you.  Don't tell your partner - this is to inform yourself and safeguard the financial future of you and your son. Divorce law differs greatly so you need good local legal advice.

Also quietly start gathering information related to your finances and any jointly owned property.

I found working hard on these two steps really helped me stay calm and focused during the last year i lived with gxh. It gave me hope and helped me manage the last excruciatingly painful months of our marriage.  It was looking to a positive future where I would be free and safe again.

You can start building your f*ckwit-free future now. It took me about six months to organise after I decided to leave. 

I had 2 sisters who i could talk to and they gave me huge emotional support.  If you can find one or two people you can trust it is such a help. I would visit them and unload now and then and it was such a relief. I could go home and kerp working towards my freedom.

Once I had consulted and secured a lawyer, compiled comprehensive family financial records, got my own bank account and credit card, and leased and furnished a place for me and my son to live, I told gxh i was leaving literally as i walked out the door.

You can do it.  Chump Lady website has loads of information on how to plan your exit specific to US state jurisdictions. I absolutely recommend you have a look.

They play games and try to mess with your head.  I found privately looking forward to days beyond the daily betrayal and cruelty gave me a lot of strength.

There will be better days ahead. Xx

 

July 25, 2021 11:06 am  #6


Re: How should I handle this situation

longwayhome wrote:

Look for every opportunity where he tells you to mind your own business and use it to your advantage to erect another boundary and this one - he helped create so he feels awkward saying anything.

 
So i used this today because he came back again angry that I am not engaging in conversation with him and I seem uninterested.  So I said well you were talking to your BF for 2 hours yesterday and didnt care to talk to me so now its your time and now you want to talk well now i am not in the mood.  Everything has to be on your terms and you get everything.;,he walked away and left me alone.

Ughhh

     Thread Starter
 

July 25, 2021 12:11 pm  #7


Re: How should I handle this situation

Something to consider.  I don't know if this will apply to you or not.  I offer it only because if it does, it might be helpful to you.

 Over the years I was with my passive-aggressive now-ex, I adapted my behavior in relation to his.  I couldn't get him to change, so I ended up adapting.  Even the boundaries I drew were adaptations.  For example, my now-ex used work (we were both professors) as an excuse not to contribute to household upkeep and to avoid me (except in the ways he wanted to use me).  For my part, I took on the burden of home care, and although I resented his non-engagement, I kept doing the work (while also doing my work as a professor, which was the same as his).  I also adjusted my behavior to accommodate his: because he insisted that during the academic year anything outside of his teaching that demanded his attention was not possible, including holidays or any other events/occasions during the school year--a trip at Christmas to see family, a visit to our son's school to see the kids in their Halloween costumes, etc--I gave up thinking we could ever take vacations, or communicate, or anything else, really.  Eventually I did begin going away on my own for a couple of months in the summers--which gave me time off from bearing all the burden alone, but was an adaptation to my taking on the entire burden for the remaining ten months, and I always struggled to convince myself that this was fair.  
    
   What I have only recently realized is that I always felt as if I ought to--or had no other choice but to--supply whatever need he expressed, or whatever he was failing to do, whatever he felt was lacking, or whatever he thought I was failing to do that he needed me to do.  

  When I did begin to assert boundaries (and even today),  I felt (and feel) an immense pressure to capitulate. If I have set a boundary, and others make it clear they don't like it, I second-guess myself.  I will ask myself if it's worth it, whether I ought not to be the bigger person, etc. etc. 

   Recently I have realized that this pressure I feel does not, as I often think, come from an external source, but from inside myself, not, as I would have previously thought, from the situation itself ("Does the situation really mandate that I need to set that boundary?")  but from my own internal sense that I ought to capitulate--because capitulation and putting myself last to serve others' needs is an established pattern.  

  
That has helped me re-frame that pressure I feel, away from "Is this situation really worth the interpersonal stress my having a boundary will produce?" or "Just be the bigger person and turn the other cheek," to "This feeling of stress and pressure is a result of how difficult it is for me to assert myself, and it is in the interest of my long-term development as a psychologically healthy person to stick to my boundary rather than capitulate."  

   As I say, I don't know if you also feel this kind of pressure over setting boundaries meant to assert your worth or protect yourself from manipulation and abuse, but if it's applicable, I hope my experience is helpful. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 25, 2021 2:21 pm)

 

July 25, 2021 1:10 pm  #8


Re: How should I handle this situation

I thought I had such a nice husband but in reality he wasn't.  I needed to get away from him.

But there I was in the early stages of discovery and naturally enough I am questioning myself and whether I'm even entitled to feel the way I do.  

I decided to stop questioning myself - give myself the benefit of the doubt at all times.  I parked all self critical thoughts at the door for a while - and I so remember this moment - I've turned on my heel and left him in the house and I'm walking through the garden to the studio and I am feeling so angry.  I stopped and stood there, it felt like I grew six inches, and I just thought no, he is not worth my anger, I've given him my love and to give him more now? giving him my precious anger is not going to help, it's like throwing good money after bad.  I'm going to use the energy it gives me to help myself get away from him.

Yeah, I really thought that, I had never thought of my emotion as precious before!

I started putting my trust in myself.  and then it was just one step at a time.
 

 

July 25, 2021 2:17 pm  #9


Re: How should I handle this situation

newtotheclub wrote:

.....Honestly the talking to someone else is the trigger for me........

 

Everytime he's talking to somebody....that's a good time to work on this trigger. It all has to happen within you and it's difficult at first to overcome the distress you feel. "who is he talking to?" "this is so wrong" "he's ruined my life" and it starts in the pit of your stomach? It did with me, and I'd have all these questions and scenarios pinging around in my mind.  The tears often came next, some I'd hide..some would be visible to him and he would ask why was I crying. But it was only ever a 'surface' empathy and this happened over and over , he would be caring but dismissive because "you do this all the time, every 3 months or so!" til I realised that if I didn't react to the trigger he would have nothing to accuse me of...it would leave me to work on me.
As I said it was hard at first...I had to be mentally 'present' in the moment, very self-aware of what I was thinking and ready to make the switch from being triggered to not giving a damn about who was calling/texting him, what were they saying. I found the best thing was to leave the room, go for a walk, call somebody myself.
Then next difficult bit is finally telling yourself you shouldn't care about what the person you've loved for so long is doing in his life because for a while now he sure hasn't cared about you. 

He obviously has nothing to do with your survival through all this. It's up to you.... you can do this.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 25, 2021 2:35 pm  #10


Re: How should I handle this situation

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

newtotheclub wrote:

.....Honestly the talking to someone else is the trigger for me........

 

Everytime he's talking to somebody....that's a good time to work on this trigger. It all has to happen within you and it's difficult at first to overcome the distress you feel. "who is he talking to?" "this is so wrong" "he's ruined my life" and it starts in the pit of your stomach? It did with me, and I'd have all these questions and scenarios pinging around in my mind.  The tears often came next, some I'd hide..some would be visible to him and he would ask why was I crying. But it was only ever a 'surface' empathy and this happened over and over , he would be caring but dismissive because "you do this all the time, every 3 months or so!" til I realised that if I didn't react to the trigger he would have nothing to accuse me of...it would leave me to work on me.
As I said it was hard at first...I had to be mentally 'present' in the moment, very self-aware of what I was thinking and ready to make the switch from being triggered to not giving a damn about who was calling/texting him, what were they saying. I found the best thing was to leave the room, go for a walk, call somebody myself.
Then next difficult bit is finally telling yourself you shouldn't care about what the person you've loved for so long is doing in his life because for a while now he sure hasn't cared about you. 

He obviously has nothing to do with your survival through all this. It's up to you.... you can do this.

Elle
 

I feel like you have described my reality. It is exactly like that the trigger makes me think all those things, how fake you are are, how deceitful, how thoughtless, egotistical.. you ruined my life and now I must endure this bullshit? I can't believe it... and he does these things and then plays it off like nothing and i am just mind blown as to how you can be so spineless.... so yes, I am at the stage where I am discovering and I dont want to because it is painful.. it gives me physical pain.. anxiety tightness in my chest and all of the things you posted.  In general, i am an extremely controlled person and very deliberate in my actions.. but I find that my body is responding with the pain in my gut and the physical manifestations of stress over this.  So this is amazing advice and I am going to be more self-aware and more deliberate about dealing with this trigger.

I hope that I can end this nightmare soon.  Thanks for the advice to all.

     Thread Starter
 

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