I have been too afraid to ask for any before but I need help. I have been watching from afar for almost 2 weeks now. I am so lost and lonely and scared. I have not shared my story yet because I hate my story. I am on liquid courage right now unfortunately but it’s only been a couple weeks and I’m still unable to cope with my reality. I love this man so much yet I hate him at times. He brings me so much pain. He left me almost 2 weeks ago and he’s going to a gay bar again tonight to again “find himself” and I’m here left in pieces. I hate him for what he’s done to me. I love him for all the memories I have of him. I’m so confused. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I feel angry, sad, scared, empty, confused, lonely, halved, and dead. I would prefer to be dead to having to feel all these emotions daily. I’ve lost so much weight I’m a walking skeleton. He says he loves me but can’t be with me. How do you love me and do this to me? How do you spend every day with me laughing with me and keep this secret from me only to up and leave me? How does a good person do this? I don’t understand these ppl. How do you keep everyday saying you love me and then say “BUT” you can’t be with me. You never acted in anyway other than being totally in love with me. Why? Why do you get to go off and be happy now? Why do you get to be happy? Why do you get do what you want to do and I have to deal with all of this pain now? Why is this fair to me? Why don’t you understand what u did to me? Why don’t you see what you did was wrong? Why can’t you see how different you were with me than you are now? Why do these ppl think they can walk into our lives and do this to us and think it’s okay? That it means nothing? That they never knew they were ever gay before they knew us? How do you not know this? I knew I liked dudes when I was a little girl. I mean I had crushes on all the little boys in my classes and on Burt Reynolds I mean come on how u not know?!  I’m angry!!!! Why does he get to tell me all day how sad and depressed, and stressed out he is then have his new friends take him to gay bars to meet “his ppl”? What does this even mean? His ppl? As if they aren’t like everyone else. If u want to be treated like everyone else then stop acting like u are different and above everyone else’s feelings damnit!!!!!! I am a human being like u. I have feelings like u. Just because u r gay does not give u the right to to do this to me! U may be confused of who u were but u knew damn well before u knew me u liked dudes and u drug me into ur shit! What makes gay ppl think they need more sympathy than straight ppl! I am getting no support and he’s getting it all! He’s got a world of ppl supporting him as if he’s done not a damn thing wrong! He acted as though no one would support him throughout this. Well guess what! Everyone in the world does! You’re part of the rainbow now, you get to shine! You left me in your shadow! You stomped on every dream and promise you made to me and you left me in the rain cloud that rainbow came from. I want so much to hate you but I still love you and I don’t know how to forgive you. I don’t know how a person that loves you so much for so long can lie to you about something like this. He’s ruined my trust in men, in ppl. I never hated gay ppl. I have a close friend who’s gay. He’s like a brother to me.  I couldn’t ever see him face to face now.  I cant stand hearing the word “GAY”. I freak out. It makes me sob and I go into a trance. I hate the rainbow. I distrust gay ppl. He’s made me hate ppl. I have no faith at 44 I will ever desire wanting to b in a relationship ever again. I have been through bad relationships b4 him and he sat and listened to me sob about them all. He hated these men. How could they do these awful things to me? How could they  treat me so horrible? He hated these men. He didn’t want to be compared to them ever. He said “ I could never hurt you ever like that, I’m not going anywhere”…. Well he’s gone…And he’s hurt me more than any of them ever have hurt me. This man is not a man. I spent 15 yrs of my life being hurt by another man b4 him. Being treated like a ghost anytime I brought up our relationship or any issue I had with him. This guy would pretend I didn’t even exist. I could be in the same room with him and he’d look right through me. Like I was invisible.  He’d do this to me for weeks to months on end. He told me for 15 yrs he didn’t want kids, a marriage or to live with me and then one day bought a house without me knowing n then called me n told me he didn’t love me anymore n broke up with me. Just like that. So, I’ve been though some shit b4 this. Oh yes I know pain. What my newly ex fiancé has done has done extra damage on me. I cant tell you. I know you all have been in marriages a long time and I feel for u. I been w my fiancé 8 1/2 yrs. I thought it was gonna b forever though. He did not seem to b going anywhere. I don’t know who else to talk to anymore. No one else seems to understand fully what I’m going through not even HIM. He says he’s on a LGBTQ180951gtfo whatever the heck it is group and has told some men not to do what he’s done to me as it will do harm to the woman, but idk if he fully gets whats he’s done yet. Idk if he ever will. Idk if he cares to. That’s the messed up part. Idk if he cares enough to care what he’s done to me. And to think, there’s so many more ppl like you and me still sitting out there going about their lives thinking everything is just great. Until they end up here too. Idk, maybe I’ll share my full story with you after this but right now I really needed to vent. I’m just so sad. Thank you for reading my misery