OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



July 19, 2021 10:19 am  #1


Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

I was in a relantionship for 16 years, since my freshman year in highschool, im 31 now. I was living in a dead bedroom for a long, long time, the only time sex was even an option was if she got blackout drunk. I was ok with the pain because I loved her and because as a victim of CSA(yes i go in and out of therapy for it, currently out cant find a therapist i like). I just kinda went with it, I have no self respect and knew I deserved better but I loved her and other people had hurt me worst than this before so whats a little pain. Well...a couple years ago i noticed some trends, my former SO just never seemed to match up with any straight girl ive met. They all tell me that women actually do enjoy sex, and crave it even. I kept telling myself "My so is different its ok".  Then she said a couple things over the years that I thought "straight girls def wouldnt say this, right?" and started making jokes to one of my friends i think my SO is gay. They werent jokes though they were the truth nagging me in head to find out, well, one night she gets blackout to drunk so we can have sex after like 5 months of not even wanting to try. It went terribly just sorry if tmi ended with me naked and crying and her just going to bed like shit aint matter. So the next day I finally worked up the balls and just asked "So...like are you gay?" she goes "why?" I listed all my reasons for thinking so, she burst out into tears "It feels like you ripped the darkest secrets from me and are laying them out infront of me". That was 2 weeks ago, shes 100% sure shes a late blooming lesbian. It makes sense, I saw so much of it firsthand it doesnt confuse me at all. But...after over a decade of rejection from her, and self isolation with her im left...feeling very overwhelmingly alone. My only friend in the state wont go out with me a bar or club or restraunt because his wife doesnt want him to. I really have no idea what to do or where to go, i just know i hate my body after all this time and want someone to desire me the same i desired my ex for 16 years. It feels like my entire life got thrown out the window and all i keep seeing "least you dont have kids" like it helps. I wanted kids with her...so goddamn bad. I wake up crying everynight in-between prayers for death. I tried to go out on both saturdays since the talk and i just get a panic attack. I feel so goddamn alone its driving me insane, the only person who seems to want to make sure im alive is my ex and its so hard to lean on her for support cuz i have to learn to live without her. Im just so sad,mad,lost and even a little happy but for her not for me. Just...where does someone go for direction in a time like this? 

 

July 19, 2021 12:41 pm  #2


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

SickSadWeeb wrote:

I was in a relantionship for 16 years, since my freshman year in highschool, im 31 now. I was living in a dead bedroom for a long, long time, the only time sex was even an option was if she got blackout drunk. I was ok with the pain because I loved her and because as a victim of CSA(yes i go in and out of therapy for it, currently out cant find a therapist i like). I just kinda went with it, I have no self respect and knew I deserved better but I loved her and other people had hurt me worst than this before so whats a little pain. Well...a couple years ago i noticed some trends, my former SO just never seemed to match up with any straight girl ive met. They all tell me that women actually do enjoy sex, and crave it even. I kept telling myself "My so is different its ok".  Then she said a couple things over the years that I thought "straight girls def wouldnt say this, right?" and started making jokes to one of my friends i think my SO is gay. They werent jokes though they were the truth nagging me in head to find out, well, one night she gets blackout to drunk so we can have sex after like 5 months of not even wanting to try. It went terribly just sorry if tmi ended with me naked and crying and her just going to bed like shit aint matter. So the next day I finally worked up the balls and just asked "So...like are you gay?" she goes "why?" I listed all my reasons for thinking so, she burst out into tears "It feels like you ripped the darkest secrets from me and are laying them out infront of me". That was 2 weeks ago, shes 100% sure shes a late blooming lesbian. It makes sense, I saw so much of it firsthand it doesnt confuse me at all. But...after over a decade of rejection from her, and self isolation with her im left...feeling very overwhelmingly alone. My only friend in the state wont go out with me a bar or club or restraunt because his wife doesnt want him to. I really have no idea what to do or where to go, i just know i hate my body after all this time and want someone to desire me the same i desired my ex for 16 years. It feels like my entire life got thrown out the window and all i keep seeing "least you dont have kids" like it helps. I wanted kids with her...so goddamn bad. I wake up crying everynight in-between prayers for death. I tried to go out on both saturdays since the talk and i just get a panic attack. I feel so goddamn alone its driving me insane, the only person who seems to want to make sure im alive is my ex and its so hard to lean on her for support cuz i have to learn to live without her. Im just so sad,mad,lost and even a little happy but for her not for me. Just...where does someone go for direction in a time like this? 

Hello there,

You are not alone and I hope you will realise that fact if you post your concerns here. This is an all too common and very much unreported situation to be in. This particular pain you feel is quite normal for those of us who have been denied the essential truth we deserved to hear from those who chose the path of their own denial. Your pain is valid and felt by others who fully empathise with your torment. This turmoil is only ever experienced by those who chose to stay, those who chose to stand by the person they loved. We are guilty of being better people than the others who would have long walked away from a situation like this. You are neither sick nor sad, you are a good and honest man in a pain we know all too well. You will find the strength you need in the support you will invariably find with us here. It may be the club that no one wants to join, but it is the best resource for you at this time.

Be well, hold your head up and throw your shoulders back and together we can ride out the storm.

Ordinary guy

4892 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 19, 2021 1:31 pm  #3


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

longwayhome wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

Just...where does someone go for direction in a time like this? 

You come here. Welcome, I’m so very sorry you had to find us. Please know you aren’t alone. Everything you are feeling is normal, it’s an awful pain.

Also, because you have lived through previous traumatic experiences (many of us have), it makes going through another traumatic experience a little bit more challenging but we all get there. We need to be that much more kind to ourselves. That’s the most important thing to know right now.

We do that by posting, having our feelings validated and just pretty well being with people who have lived or are living through very similar experiences

You really need to become your own best friend. You take it one day at a time, sometimes it’s one moment at a time, it’s all ok. You go at your own pace.

Post here as much as you need. We get it. I was married for 34 years when I discover my sTBX same sex affairs. It blew my mind. I’m now close to exiting the marriage. Please know it gets better.

Know we all have the opportunity of having a full joyful life again. it’s still all out there. We just need to heal, find your healing path. I started meditating, just sitting with myself quietly and started asking myself some very deep questions of myself, I answered them honestly and made decisions based on those deep thoughts.

Take care. Virtual hug

Edited to add: how about going for a nature walk with your friend. Even sitting in a park. Maybe the friend’s wife would be ok with that??

I started going to the gym once a day and working on my cardio, almost able to run for an hour straight now so im thinking of working on the machines a little bit, im not fat just want to feel attractive. Ive been trying to ask myself those questions but the answers always depress me. I always wanted a future with her, now i gotta plan without her. Im at a decent job with alot of upward mobility so im gonna try to take advantage of that and see if i can be making 100k by 33 or 34. But even then...i dont know what I want, as awful as this sounds i just want to overdose right now or just go on tinder, but the thought of these dating apps terrify me. I feel so unattractive after years of denial. I think I want to travel, im making plans to visit a couple gaming friends then visit a few places i may want to move to.

As far as my friend goes, all he is allowed to do is hang out with me at his home. And yes I mean allowed, his wife is is both very afraid of covid and very jealous/controlling of him. He will not do anything else, i practically begged and instead he just shared my trauma with his wife and said "sorry bro, just accept the bonfire". I wont just accept the bonfire, my whole fucking life ive been just accepting shit and calling it good enough in all my friendships and relationships, im tired of that. If youre my supposed best friend and cant help right now when im fighting for my life every damn day and you know that? Fuck it, you arent a best friend. His wife even started a fight with my ex over this and said some really really mean shit, shit she doesnt deserve. So im really...good on the idea of seeing him again for awhile. 

I think Im gonna move to OK for awhile, the idea of leaving my home with her is so fucking terrifying. But my only friends live in OK and CA and the one in CA is super busy all the damn time/has a ton going on. The one in OK has alot more time for the mess that is my life. 

edit: I tried to only qoute the parts i was responding too, but its been a literal decade since a forum board and i couldnt figure it out lol.

     Thread Starter
 

July 19, 2021 1:36 pm  #4


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

Ordinary guy wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

I was in a relantionship for 16 years, since my freshman year in highschool, im 31 now. I was living in a dead bedroom for a long, long time, the only time sex was even an option was if she got blackout drunk. I was ok with the pain because I loved her and because as a victim of CSA(yes i go in and out of therapy for it, currently out cant find a therapist i like). I just kinda went with it, I have no self respect and knew I deserved better but I loved her and other people had hurt me worst than this before so whats a little pain. Well...a couple years ago i noticed some trends, my former SO just never seemed to match up with any straight girl ive met. They all tell me that women actually do enjoy sex, and crave it even. I kept telling myself "My so is different its ok".  Then she said a couple things over the years that I thought "straight girls def wouldnt say this, right?" and started making jokes to one of my friends i think my SO is gay. They werent jokes though they were the truth nagging me in head to find out, well, one night she gets blackout to drunk so we can have sex after like 5 months of not even wanting to try. It went terribly just sorry if tmi ended with me naked and crying and her just going to bed like shit aint matter. So the next day I finally worked up the balls and just asked "So...like are you gay?" she goes "why?" I listed all my reasons for thinking so, she burst out into tears "It feels like you ripped the darkest secrets from me and are laying them out infront of me". That was 2 weeks ago, shes 100% sure shes a late blooming lesbian. It makes sense, I saw so much of it firsthand it doesnt confuse me at all. But...after over a decade of rejection from her, and self isolation with her im left...feeling very overwhelmingly alone. My only friend in the state wont go out with me a bar or club or restraunt because his wife doesnt want him to. I really have no idea what to do or where to go, i just know i hate my body after all this time and want someone to desire me the same i desired my ex for 16 years. It feels like my entire life got thrown out the window and all i keep seeing "least you dont have kids" like it helps. I wanted kids with her...so goddamn bad. I wake up crying everynight in-between prayers for death. I tried to go out on both saturdays since the talk and i just get a panic attack. I feel so goddamn alone its driving me insane, the only person who seems to want to make sure im alive is my ex and its so hard to lean on her for support cuz i have to learn to live without her. Im just so sad,mad,lost and even a little happy but for her not for me. Just...where does someone go for direction in a time like this? 

Hello there,

You are not alone and I hope you will realise that fact if you post your concerns here. This is an all too common and very much unreported situation to be in. This particular pain you feel is quite normal for those of us who have been denied the essential truth we deserved to hear from those who chose the path of their own denial. Your pain is valid and felt by others who fully empathise with your torment. This turmoil is only ever experienced by those who chose to stay, those who chose to stand by the person they loved. We are guilty of being better people than the others who would have long walked away from a situation like this. You are neither sick nor sad, you are a good and honest man in a pain we know all too well. You will find the strength you need in the support you will invariably find with us here. It may be the club that no one wants to join, but it is the best resource for you at this time.

Be well, hold your head up and throw your shoulders back and together we can ride out the storm.

Ordinary guy

4892 days…

Thank you, I hope I do. This place seems amazing so far, the very few others ive ran into like this one is filled with anger and resentment...and that doesnt seem like a good way to move forward. I just feel so lonely right now, and all the people i know irl will put me into old and bad habits i kicked. All my "friends" left seem to either drug dealers or addicts, so im really desperate in trying to find a network of people who understand or would help in a way were i know nobody is trying to make a buck off me. And for future reference my username is a reference to the show Daria, there was segment every episode called "Sick Sad World!" and im a weeb through and through so i just combined Daria with anime and got SickSadWeeb. 

     Thread Starter
 

July 19, 2021 2:30 pm  #5


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. While you need friends may I suggest that instead of moving to where they are you re-double your efforts to find a qualified professional counselor in the area where you work. Friends do not have the training and experience to help you break old patterns and rebuild your life as you want it to be.

When my ex came out of the closet and left I would have been very foolish to have entered into a rebound relationship. I needed to find myself before I found someone else. No one of sound mind and good intentions would have wanted me!  Nix the bars and clubs.

Time in nature where you can be calm and enjoy the moment helps. Introspection is necessary too. If you don't have friends who can be supportive, look into volunteer activities where you may meet people with similar interests. If you are spiritual that can give strength.

Life does get better as you regain some control over it.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 19, 2021 5:46 pm  #6


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

Abby wrote:

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. While you need friends may I suggest that instead of moving to where they are you re-double your efforts to find a qualified professional counselor in the area where you work. Friends do not have the training and experience to help you break old patterns and rebuild your life as you want it to be.
 

I always wanted to leave the state i live in, and i dont feel safe in it from my CSA. Ive been in and out of therapy and am currently trying to get a psychiatrist, but i really want to travel so i dont see therapist being a real option.

     Thread Starter
 

July 19, 2021 5:49 pm  #7


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

I have to also suggest not to be in a hurry to jump into the dating pool. When the time comes, you'll do better if you have found yourself first. Indulge in some hobbies or try something you are interested in but never got around to before. Don't worry if a few turn out to be a bit 'meh'. Move onto the next idea until one clicks.Stay active. Avoid false support from booze and other options that only serve to numb. You can do this.

 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 19, 2021 6:10 pm  #8


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

SickSadWeeb wrote:

And for future reference my username is a reference to the show Daria, there was segment every episode called "Sick Sad World!" and im a weeb through and through so i just combined Daria with anime and got SickSadWeeb. 

During tough times it's better to be like Daria.  I'm like that naturally. Maybe you as well?

I got in over my head the only time I did something impulsively - had a rebound romance after TGT. I wanted a one night stand after years of a sexless marriage. I wasn't thinking clearly. I allowed myself to get talked into a romance. The guy was a creep.

I understand how much it hurts. It's utterly unwelcome to uncover a big lie which unglues your relationship and your trust in another person and your own judgment in picking romantic partners.

Do you have family you can tell? What about therapy? It takes me a long time to find someone good. Am in CA where the demand for therapists has created for profit psychology graduate schools. Pay and go.  These therapists aren't so great, in my experience. It's hard to find someone who went to a real college/university.  They had to study hard to rank high on standardized tests and have a high undergrad gpa. Much better, IMO.

You're young enough to take your time to heal and start over. Count yourself lucky.

Take care,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 19, 2021 6:57 pm  #9


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

MJM017 wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

And for future reference my username is a reference to the show Daria, there was segment every episode called "Sick Sad World!" and im a weeb through and through so i just combined Daria with anime and got SickSadWeeb. 

During tough times it's better to be like Daria. I'm like that naturally. Maybe you as well?

I got in over my head the only time I did something impulsively - had a rebound romance after TGT. I wanted a one night stand after years of a sexless marriage. I wasn't thinking clearly. I allowed myself to get talked into a romance. The guy was a creep.

I understand how much it hurts. It's utterly unwelcome to uncover a big lie which unglues your relationship and your trust in another person and your own judgment in picking romantic partners.

Do you have family you can tell? What about therapy? It takes me a long time to find someone good. Am in CA where the demand for therapists has created for profit psychology graduate schools. Pay and go. These therapists aren't so great, in my experience. It's hard to find someone who went to a real college/university. They had to study hard to rank high on standardized tests and have a high undergrad gpa. Much better, IMO.

You're young enough to take your time to heal and start over. Count yourself lucky.

Take care,
Maria

Shes working up the courage to tell my family, but they arent the kind of people i can rely on. For instance i found out theres a family vacation about to happen....without me.  Yea finding a good therapist feels impossible and not really a challenge im willing to climb atm, i will look into actual medication for my PTSD though as it just seems easier to stay on meds while i travel vs going to therapy and travelling.

Oh god I havent even thought about how this is gonna affect me trusting any one of my future partners, it all feels so overwhelming. Every minute theres a new struggle attached. But im happy i found a positive place for someone like me.
 

     Thread Starter
 

July 20, 2021 10:18 am  #10


Re: Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before.

Welcome.

No need to worry about trusting future partners/people just yet.

What I found though is trust is quite relative...for myself anyway what I found is my GX was so morally broken..most people I meet are of better morality and quality then her.  Lots of good people in the world as this forum proves..no need to worry about that now.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum