Hi John,

I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. I hope that you can find solace here in some of the advice that is coming your way along with everyone’s empathy and support.

When your wife tells you that she is now identifying as bi-sexual this revelation is for her benefit, not yours. You are already aware that your wife was heterosexual, so what you are hearing at your core is that your wife is lesbian. This has ramifications for your future and it is up to you to decide what is acceptable to you as a person. The only reason I can think of for this honesty from your partner is a desire on some level for her to indulge her need for a same sex relationship. You have already said that even though she says she is bi, she does not want a relationship with a man. If she felt that she was bi and it did not represent an issue for her to be with you, I think she may have chosen to say nothing. It is only my opinion, but I would imagine that the same sex relationship she intends to have may well be already in the offing. You are lucky in the respect that your wife has honestly told you of her same sex attraction instead of pursuing something behind your back. Some others here have been less fortunate in the honesty of their partners. I do not know what your existing life circumstances are at the moment. Do you have children for instance? It may be pertinent to look into the possibility of counselling for yourself as you have suggested that you have even questioned your own sexuality in the midst of this emotional storm.
 Your wife may be upset when people are checking in with you due to internalised guilt on her part. She would not want a finger of blame pointed at her for this situation and the turmoil it is causing you. Promise me John, to always make your decisions with a level mood and with a future focus. This is your life too, and you have more say in what happens in it than your wife or anyone else. You don’t have to be the counsellor and confidant for her journey of self discovery, especially when it seems that you are unlikely to be required at the final destination.
 The main reason mixed orientation marriages fail, is down to the fact that they only ever really suit the partner that NEEDED it in the first place. The straight spouse already had the marriage they needed with their original partner. I for one would never enter into a relationship willingly with someone identifying as bi-sexual, too many potential futures that are not in my interest and out of my control. The cornerstone of all relationships is trust. You can still have a meaningful  relationship without love, but you cannot have one without trust.

Be well John.

Ordinary guy

4892 days…