OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Soaplife
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Re: Wife came out as bisexual and struggling with authentic support
Hiker johnm, yes, you are important, and what you want and need from and in your marriage is just as important as what your wife wants and needs. For her to come out is traumatic for both of you.
It sounds as if you have been very supportive of her to this point.
What may be troubling you - going from info in your posts - is your wife is not recognising your trauma. Not recognising the quantum shift that she is requiring in your relationship. You probably thought you had signed up for a lifelong monogamous marriage ... an open marriage, or a throuple, or cheating, are not usually included in the marriage vows.
If she is expressing resentment that people are checking in to see you are ok, that could feel like she is focusing on her experience over yours - invalidating you and your feelings about her coming out.
All of we straight spouses have been shattered by the initial discovery, no matter how we worked it out later on down the track.
As our partners move into new ways of being, we also have to find new ways of being. Just as our partners choose, so we have every right to choose what is going to work for us going forward.
My big question became: is this acceptable to me? It really is the bottom line. Believing that you are important too, and do get a say in what transpires after discovery.
Best of luck on your journey. There are a multitude of experiences here, so whatever shape it takes, there are people here who try hear and understand the straight spouse's voice and most important, validate your experience.
- Lyla
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Re: Wife came out as bisexual and struggling with authentic support
hikerjohnm wrote:
does not want to be sexually active with me.
I'm sorry...That must be really awful. Have you two seen a counselor to try to understand why?
She does get upset when others check in to see how I am, how I'm handling this. Not quite sure I have an answer to that yet.
You absolutely need a support system...and your wife should be empathetic of that.
John
- MJM017
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Re: Wife came out as bisexual and struggling with authentic support
John, It's very important to know what you want considering the circumstances. I get the impression neither of you want to hurt the other.
My late ex husband kept his gayness a secret. It made a mess of our marriage and messed up both our lives.
Don't keep what you want under wraps thinking that will support your wife and keep the marriage intact. It won't. It will mess you up.
Be totally honest with yourself. Get support for yourself- trusted friends, family and/or your own therapist. Keep your wife in the loop. She has to get used to the notion this is paramount in her bid to support you. You may consider couples therapy. Support her in her journey as well. You may stay together. You may have to divorce. It takes time to discover the best and honest choice.
These repressed LGBT feelings surface. It's the way it is. Life throws married couple different curveballs. Again, both of you have to deal with the reality as responsible adults.
Please post here as often as you want and need.
Take care!
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Wife came out as bisexual and struggling with authentic support
Hi John,
I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. I hope that you can find solace here in some of the advice that is coming your way along with everyone’s empathy and support.
When your wife tells you that she is now identifying as bi-sexual this revelation is for her benefit, not yours. You are already aware that your wife was heterosexual, so what you are hearing at your core is that your wife is lesbian. This has ramifications for your future and it is up to you to decide what is acceptable to you as a person. The only reason I can think of for this honesty from your partner is a desire on some level for her to indulge her need for a same sex relationship. You have already said that even though she says she is bi, she does not want a relationship with a man. If she felt that she was bi and it did not represent an issue for her to be with you, I think she may have chosen to say nothing. It is only my opinion, but I would imagine that the same sex relationship she intends to have may well be already in the offing. You are lucky in the respect that your wife has honestly told you of her same sex attraction instead of pursuing something behind your back. Some others here have been less fortunate in the honesty of their partners. I do not know what your existing life circumstances are at the moment. Do you have children for instance? It may be pertinent to look into the possibility of counselling for yourself as you have suggested that you have even questioned your own sexuality in the midst of this emotional storm.
Your wife may be upset when people are checking in with you due to internalised guilt on her part. She would not want a finger of blame pointed at her for this situation and the turmoil it is causing you. Promise me John, to always make your decisions with a level mood and with a future focus. This is your life too, and you have more say in what happens in it than your wife or anyone else. You don’t have to be the counsellor and confidant for her journey of self discovery, especially when it seems that you are unlikely to be required at the final destination.
The main reason mixed orientation marriages fail, is down to the fact that they only ever really suit the partner that NEEDED it in the first place. The straight spouse already had the marriage they needed with their original partner. I for one would never enter into a relationship willingly with someone identifying as bi-sexual, too many potential futures that are not in my interest and out of my control. The cornerstone of all relationships is trust. You can still have a meaningful relationship without love, but you cannot have one without trust.
Be well John.
Ordinary guy
4892 days…
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.