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- Lyla
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Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP
Durga wrote:
@newtotheclub....I am also in a similar situation (I discovered all of this one week before our 4th anniversary) and my heart is shattered. @SusanneH thank you for sharing that you are trying to make it work. At the moment my mind is spinning so much that I don't know where to start.
My husband is a kind man, and dotes on me- he is not the gaslighting type I have read so much about. That being said- I have also found dating sites, and images of him with men.....although I have no frame of time reference. We have been together for 8 years- my heart wants to think it was before that time....but, the dating site started 2 months after we were married 4 years ago. I am afraid to tell him exactly what it is that I know because it is the only information I have on what is going on.
Finding counseling is proving difficult due to covid- and I cannot even bring myself to contact an attorney to know where I would stand when this all blows up. I am stuck on the this can't be happening....this man who has been so good to me, who spends all his time with us doing things together, and making plans for our future. How is that the same man that is on fetish sites and trans dating apps and apparently hooking up with men during the day while I am at work? I am starting to feel robbed of the life I thought I was living. I am so hurt, so shocked- and in so much pain. I cannot wrap my head around any of this.
Sending hugs to all of you- I am so sorry for all that we have lost.
Durga...so sorry for the pain your husband has caused. It sounds like you haven't let on that you know about the hookup sites...Amazing restraint on your part. Sadly, you've likely just scratched the surface. Your story is not very different than so many I've read here and on Reddit. How they're able to live double lives (and for years/decades!) is astounding...and disturbing. I know you're still in the shocked phase...but you need to talk to someone about this for your own well-being. Keeping this to yourself will eat you alive. Is there a close friend you can confide in? I know this is overwhelmingly painful...but you need to look out for yourself now. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Post here any time you need. There are really compassionate people here...who've been where you are...and understand the devastation.
- newtotheclub
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Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP
@newtotheclub....I am also in a similar situation (I discovered all of this one week before our 4th anniversary) and my heart is shattered. @SusanneH thank you for sharing that you are trying to make it work. At the moment my mind is spinning so much that I don't know where to start.
My husband is a kind man, and dotes on me- he is not the gaslighting type I have read so much about. That being said- I have also found dating sites, and images of him with men.....although I have no frame of time reference. We have been together for 8 years- my heart wants to think it was before that time....but, the dating site started 2 months after we were married 4 years ago. I am afraid to tell him exactly what it is that I know because it is the only information I have on what is going on.
Finding counseling is proving difficult due to covid- and I cannot even bring myself to contact an attorney to know where I would stand when this all blows up. I am stuck on the this can't be happening....this man who has been so good to me, who spends all his time with us doing things together, and making plans for our future. How is that the same man that is on fetish sites and trans dating apps and apparently hooking up with men during the day while I am at work? I am starting to feel robbed of the life I thought I was living. I am so hurt, so shocked- and in so much pain. I cannot wrap my head around any of this.
Sending hugs to all of you- I am so sorry for all that we have lost.
@Durga, I have been married for 21 years and he told me he knew he had attraction to men since he was 17, he is almost 50. I feel ROBBED... you are not crazy.. you are not delusional, and your gut is not wrong. This is from pesonal experience and as others posted here you are only scratching the surface. For me, I can tell you that the way they deceive you really seems like a personality disorder. My perception of my husband outside of this is that he is AMAZING.. but here I am in a shitstorm because he wanted to hide who he was at the expense of my life. Focus on you, focus on your well-being. Now i hear him talking and i hear a stranger, someone who betrayed me and expensed my happiness because he was too coward to face his reality. From what i have read here... lawyer up if it comes to that and get legal counsel because not all of us can stay married to gay partners. I know i cant and wont.... and it has been a month.. he has an emotional boyfriend that i literally ripped the truth out of him for. It is simply disappointing so i am here with you... and this network helps so much... in 3 days my nerves have calmed down and i feel more in survivor mode than victim mode.
- •
Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP
Hello Durga,
Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Am so sorry about your discovery. Please take a look at the first post on this thread if you haven't already - First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT
My late ex husband was a gay man in denial. We had a dead bedroom most of our marriage. I asked him frequently if he was gay and he always said no. I found some solid evidence of his non-straight behavior after he passed away.
You should get tested for STDs in light of your discovery.
Start your own thread to get more support. It's something that you can't get too much of.
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa