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1 - iamthelorax
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It's like these people were spying on me LOL
I was recently reading an article from a blog called shrink4men that had an article about Narcissists. The following passage blew my mind, it matches my experience so well. I feel so foolish for not understanding this behaviour until over 2 years later and that I ignored the little voice in my head for so long. I *almost* feel sorry for her new gay partner except that she went out of her way to play white knight and burned calories to break my family.The TriangleGiven that narcissists are insatiable, needy vortexes of suck, there’s never enough attention, love, comfort, emotional breast milk or any resource that he or she desires. Like an alcoholic who hides vodka bottles around the house, narcissists require back-up emotional supply.In Karpman’s drama triangle there are three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor and the Rescuer. Two versions of the triangle exist; the narcissist’s version and the objective reality version. The narcissist sees her- or himself as the Victim, the person they’re abusing and exploiting (the old supply) as their Persecutor and their new supply (e.g., the mistress/manstress) as their Rescuer. In reality, the narcissist is the Persecutor, the new supply is their enabler/accomplice (unwittingly or wittingly) and the old supply is the Victim. At the beginning of your relationship with your narcissist, when you were the new supply/Rescuer, you probably aided and abetted your narcissist in hurting your predecessor. You were once the hero or angel, and now you’re the big old meanie who doesn’t appreciate your Narcissist anymore. The new supply is the answer to the narcissist’s problems just as you once were. Rinse, wash, repeat.You may be cast again in the role of the Rescuer if you’re foolish and self-destructive enough to hang around and wait for your narcissist to become disappointed or bored with the current new supply. But remember, even if that happens, the narcissist will only become disappointed or bored with you again and around and around you go. Just step out of it.What about the new supply/Rescuer? She or he is most likely another hapless codependent who sees your narcissist as a poor, downtrodden, unappreciated victim. Don’t envy the new supply. The narcissist will do to them what the narcissist did to you. Alternately, the new supply/Rescuer may also be another narcissist, borderline, histrionic or sociopath who saw your narcissist coming from light years away and then mutual love bombing commenced. If the new supply is another disordered predator or conniver, the two of them will eventually cannibalize one another, in which case maintain a safe distance and pop some popcorn. Or, you can heal, move on with your life and not look back. Okay, okay, enjoy a little schadenfreude then move on and don’t look back.
- Rob
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Lorax
Yes.
Since my lezex became such a raging monster I feel sorry for anyone she has a relationship with. Here girlfriend is another narc bully home wrecker..an arrogant bully woman who thinks she knows everything.
I want to stay far away from both of them.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Still Wondering
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Lorax - that's great advice for not just TGT but for being on the lookout in general. My first relationship right after the gay crap was with a "love bomber". I had never heard the term and I had no idea that sort of thing even existed but what proceeded was nothing more than a shit storm of love bombing, compliments, good deeds, and helpfulness to an extent that should have sent off red flags in my head. However, it didn't 1) because a good friend of mine set me up with this idiot and I trusted that after knowing him for 15 years she would have known if he was a freak and 2) well, I thought he was sincere.
As it turns out, everything you posted in that excerpt was true. He was a "victim" of so many circumstances that were purely under his control but yet he claimed to have no control over anything. Everything was always someone else's fault. Everything caused something that caused something else. Everything was related to yet another reason why he was a victim. Keep in mind, they don't present as a victim, oh no, they are the only one strong enough to take on their life, no one else could do what they do.....with some of them you have to really investigate and seek out what they are saying. For example:
-I can't get out of my marriage (yes you can - or you shouldn't have put yourself out there as separated and dating)
-I can't sell my business (yes you could have, and for lot of money)
-I can't find good employees so everything falls on me to have to do and so I'm too busy to sell my business (really? because you spend 2 hours a day at work and the rest of the time screwing around)
-Everyone needs so much of my time that I can't ever do anything for myself (ah, yes clearly the two massages a week during work hours and working out two hours a day during work hours are not for yourself).
They can spin their situation from what it really is, which was in my BFs case was a kick ass life with free time and lots of money into making you believe that the people in their life suck so much out of them that they have no choice but to do the things they do (i.e. Can you believe I HAVE to get a two hour massage - they MAKE me have to do this). When you start seeing these things, know that you are seeing a narcissist (gay or not).
I fell for it. I thought holy shit, this poor, stressed out dude is stuck in this life and just getting by day to day trying to treat himself with a few extra things here and there so he can get up and do it all again tomorrow. Until I saw that hey, wait a minute, you're NEVER at work, someone IS picking up your slack, all you DO is go to the gym and then hang out w/your friends at the gym cafeteria shooting the shit. And while that may be perfectly normal activity for someone who owns their own company, the DIFFERENCE is in the way they act. Case in point, the owner of my company. He comes and goes as he pleases, leaves early sometimes, goes to play golf, but the difference is that he's no one's victim. He plays golf because he wants to and comes and goes as he pleases because he pays us well to run this place for him. He's not out crying in his soup to anyone that he's so stressed that he has to take half the day off which in turn stresses him out more because taking a 1/2 day off causes stress.
Watch out for these people - they are out there. Not everyone is like this, but know the red flags when you see them. Hope this made sense!
- biltrayed
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Rob
Very similar situation. My "newLezex" just went femme at 70+ yrs with a butch who poached her from our Luthern church! Right under my nose. Ouch. My Lezex has moved into an apartment (with the help of that church) so they can have unchallenged access to each other. But your description of the other Lez as "another narc bully home wrecker..an arrogant bully woman who thinks she knows everything. " matches well here too. Except that the other woman otherwise maintains a fascade of a simple old dopey broad from the great lakes area........... especially in church. And except the other woman stays married to her suppressed husband. I can tell the family of the other woman has been through this before. An expression of anguish is in the adult daughters face that I've seen. Think aka "homewrecker". Thanks for the confirmation. Tks to shrink4men. But I'd like to know the range of behaviors that these women will visit upon each other in the process of cannibalization. I assume physical violence. Passive aggresive responses? Money issues? My lezex femme is histrionic and the bully butch is most likely narcissist given the overconfident attitude. I know that attitude from a life experience with a narccist. And, I'm curious how long it's going to take for them to grind each other down to separation. Of course, my lezex could die relatively soon from a breast cancer reoccurance from the mirror alcohol consumption with the butch. Hmmmmm ........a race to the bottom. I will pray for the best. What say you all? Biltrayed
- Rob
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Biltrayed,
I've been calling her my ex lately to get past the hurt but she is still my lezex..ex sounds nicer.. I'd like to think my shift in name counts for something. ..forgetting the hurt probably.
My family ask about her and her lover. I don't know why they do that. .habit. I don't want to know anything about her and her girlfriend... I don't care.. I have not even remote curiosity.
I pray she is happy and leaves me alone..that, less she find a way to hurt me some more.
Last edited by Rob (December 11, 2016 6:34 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- biltrayed
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Dear Rob and JKpeace,
Thanks for the replies. I'm not there yet. Too many years togeather. Your family is either curious of the next lezzie episode or checking you out to see if you are still emotionally engaged with her. Or both. If your ex is personality disordered, she may well cycle back for a snack of your emotions. Triangulation. I could hear it now; she adopts your old non lez language with her hair still short and says: "I was just in the neighborhood, and, a well, I'm in between targets you know, so I'd like to break those scabs over your still under developed reforming heart to have a little snack. Don't worry, I'll leave you a pinch to start growing a new heart with. You know, they never taste as rich as the first time. Here, here is a sob story so you can feel better about it. Sooooooo, what do you say, shall we have a go at it?" Agree with JKpeace, family support is good.
Lemonade out of the lemons. Learning. This current life choice of my lezex, (great term!), was a surprise. And the move that the other woman made was very aggressive and nefarious. Dealing with a contemptuous challenge to my world. But everybody knows cheaters cheat. Letting go of all that is much easier knowing that there are 3 stages of relationships with personality disordered persons. Idealize, devalue, and discard. Not if, but when. shrink4men. So we look at avoiding the personality disordered in the future. Like VFR aircraft pilots, see and avoid. Avoid the personality disordered person and a relationship with them. That is, after all the abuse, one is still interested in an intimate relationship. My trust meter is pegged near zero. City folk seem to shrug it off a lot quicker than us in the country. I still want to know how long it takes usually for two PD's to cannabalize each other. All that said, I still love that heartless maniac. tks biltrayed
- Rob
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
jk,
Sure my family knows the horrible truth.. TGT is so hard for them to wrap their head around. I know they mean well....they've help me so much.
I don't care what the ex is doing.. if my kids mention anything about her house I cover my ears .and scream lallalalala Don't want to know. Don't care. No contact.
Shes still my lezex but yeah I use ex to make it seem like I'm better but its only been months. We had this conversation/thread before.. even lezex is too nice a name for her.. she was so evil. But lezex implies she's a lesbian and, since we're divorced, I don' t care what she is anymore.not interested.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- biltrayed
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
Rob,
I read your earlier posts. You have my respect. My sincerest apology. You shouldered a very heavy burden. And there are your children, an official divorce and lawyers. Man thats gotta hurt. Your thread shows that another poster explained the deamonizing of you as emotionally necessary for the Lezzies to justify their behaviors. Perversely logical as that is, it is outrageous that the decent behavior, yours, is repaid with such cold contempt. It's the emotional reasoning of sociopaths. Evil. I am going to pray. I get it.
If any of you readers don't think there is unfettered evil out there, you need to do some thinking. When people exercise the system, their "rights", to wantonly torture those of good behavior, then we are as a society in big trouble. There was a time of the scarlet letter. I'm not proposing that. But the good people need to be defended and not tortured. It is recognized that sociopaths respond to consequences. It's not about LGBT, its about doing the right thing for people. biltrayed
- Rob
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
All,
"They can spin their situation from what it really is, which was in my BFs case was a kick ass life with free time and lots of money into making you believe that the people in their life suck so much out of them that they have no choice but to do the things they do (i.e. Can you believe I HAVE to get a two hour massage - they MAKE me have to do this). When you start seeing these things, know that you are seeing a narcissist (gay or not). "
Thanks guys for validating this. One of the reasons I'm here and in therapy is not TGT but to help me realize there was nothing else I could have done.. She never admitted to being gay but rather that she was treated badly.. But I was a really good husband.. she was a stay at home mom and had free reign with the money, time etc. .. I was so kind and affectionate. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her.
She did not have it bad at all.
Therein lies my problem going forward...there was nothing I could have done differently . I'm only now learning that she was just an insatiable narcissist ...there was nothing left for me to give her... and what she really wanted (gay sex?) I could not give. So I became this horrible husband... she would tell people that but its still complete mind fxck because I was so kind. I mean if I treated her badly how could anyone else treat her better. I could not have treated her any better unless I was a God or a supreme being. Going forward she makes me doubt I'm kind enough for anyone else..its untrue... but I had years conditioning me as " not good enough".. ie..
your home at 7pm instead of 6pm... not good enough, you went to work at 8am leaving me all alone..not good enough.
And sadly, she does not seem to happy now. We're no contact but she continues to try to bark orders at me... she still does not grasp the concept of divorce. I do not need to listen to her.. her texts...I do not need to reply to them...ever. I'm trying to move forward..
Last edited by Rob (December 12, 2016 1:47 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- JJ1966
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Re: It's like these people were spying on me LOL
GO ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.