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June 25, 2021 8:47 am  #1


4868 days

4868 days have been spent trying to find answers for all that has gone wrong in my life. It has been that long since my wife told me that she didn’t love me “that way” anymore. Turned off like a tap, and replaced with varying levels of emotional abuse and derision about why I can’t be a real man. There has been no affair or friendship with another man. There is a strange need to keep me around without so much as accidental physical contact. I have tried everything I can to change the way I behave around her to try and “win her back” in some way. The abuse is sometimes difficult to take and I have tried to ask where this behaviour is coming from, to no avail. I have had a good long hard look at myself and do not see what else I can change. 
 II have to say that reading through this wonderfully supportive site has filled me with a lot of cold dread as I can see patterns of behaviour that I recognise. My wife has said that she doesn’t mind me “seeing other people” which to me seemed like an odd thing to say. Surely she should say “see other women” as I am heterosexual and already see male friends. She has never been into what I would term standard romantic films and literature, but would avidly watch gay romance programs and also appear to be moved by them. I have thought about the lack of what I rather reluctantly term feminine behaviour and this lack of desire to form a new relationship with another man, if I’m not cutting the mustard for her. But, it’s  just this nagging feeling that something just doesn’t make sense and things always feel off or weird 
Basically, after the endless daily abuse and lack of any form of intimacy (either physical or emotional) the stress I was under culminated in my having a heart attack before Christmas. I have recovered fully with no damage or evidence of heart disease which I am grateful for. But, I thought that this polarising event might bring us close together. The only thing it has done is reduce the abuse.
Anyway, after reading through the messages on here I took the opportunity of her nephew coming out to discuss the relief he must have felt in not living a lie. She then became awkward and headed off to the kitchen. When I happened through the door behind her, she was pouring a large glass of wine and her eyes were on the brink of tears as she raised the shaking glass to her lips. I am really starting to wonder now….


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

June 25, 2021 11:03 am  #2


Re: 4868 days

Ordinary guy, I'm so very sorry you are living this....You've been living this way for a little less than 14 years, that's a long time. I would suggest, if I can take an educated guess, I think that would be close to the average, give or take a couple of years. That's how long it seems to take us to realize hey, I can't do this anymore, this relationship is getting heavier and heavier, nothing is improving, its actually getting worse....I never knew about the gay thing either, it was the behaviours that I was concerned about, I didn't understand them.  Then I discovered the gay thing by accident, everything made sense.

Has she ever been successful at changing any of her behaviours you might have asked her to change over the years. Let's be honest, we all do things that irate our spouses. It's a one way street, it's never runs in the other direction. We try to do all the accommodating.

Please stop trying to change yourself. That's step number one. There is nothing wrong with you. It's their issues, it's their unhappiness in themselves, they project that unto you, so that their issues become your issues. It's insidious...

That nagging feeling you are describing, things aren't making sense, things always feel off and weird. Trust those feelings, in my honest opinion, I believe our guts (intuition) is telling us to proceed with caution. It's part of our survival system/processes, trust them.  I wish I had trusted mine earlier instead of brushing it off. The brushing off, that's learned behaviour too, they always make you doubt everything, even that doubt extends to even yourself.

In terms of your health issues, I would take that as a dire warning to yourself. You cannot continue in this manner. The stress is awful. Stop playing her games, detach, find safety within yourself by starting to truly listen to that voice inside, stop making excuses for her and yourself, we love(d) them its normal to try to make allowances. The problem is that the situation is unhealthy, it makes us unhealthy too.Which allows the game to continue. You need to break all patterns, one by one....do not engage in these types of conversations, when they start, you warn them if this takes a wrong turn you are ending the conversation, and you end it and walk away if it starts, each and every time.
 
That wine scene, they all have an escape route to avoid their reality.....too many to count. Observe them quietly, stand back, detach a bit - you will to see through the fog. You must disengage first.

Post here as much as needed. Take care of you, become your own best friend, I really mean that, we need a friend. We need a comforting friend, you need to be that friend now, it helps in the healing.

Take care, you are not alone, I've lived it too. 

Edited to add:  in terms of your health, her previous behaviours will slowly start to reappear the more progress you make or once you’ve fully stabilized, give it time. It didn’t disappear, it’s waiting. I speak from experience.

Last edited by longwayhome (June 25, 2021 11:29 am)


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

June 25, 2021 11:54 am  #3


Re: 4868 days

Thank you Longwayhome.

I am more than happy to be wrong about this and I am going to take the advice of my therapist and suggest we go to couples counselling. I will suggest that this may resolve any issues and put the spark back into things. I will be objectively gauging the reaction and reply when I bring it up this evening. Anyone would be willing to try that if it was capable of improving things. Wouldn’t they?


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 25, 2021 12:12 pm  #4


Re: 4868 days

We all do what we think is necessary to try and save our marriages. You must be able to walk away and know you have done all you can. Otherwise you will only return to the nests so to speak.

I would caution to be careful in couples counselling. If she is a true narcissist, this has the potential of great harm to you. Everything wrong about the marriage will be made out to be all your fault.  Specialist in narcissism advise against this type of counselling prior to seeking your own therapy first - to make sure you understand what is happening in your marriage. Abuse is never ok. Get a professional opinion from someone who understands abuse and difficult people.

Please know, I’m only sharing information on what I found helpful in my own situation and Info I have learned from reading and other posts.

We must each choose our own path. Be well, take care. Post whenever you need, it’s a journey.

Last edited by longwayhome (June 25, 2021 12:13 pm)


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

June 25, 2021 1:16 pm  #5


Re: 4868 days

I’ve been in therapy for depression and PTSD for three months, I don’t see how it can get any worse at the moment. I will give it a go and see what sort of reaction I get. I may even be pleasantly surprised.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 25, 2021 3:09 pm  #6


Re: 4868 days

Brace yourself - it's going to keep getting worse for a little while, here you are hoping it all might turn out apples with a little couples counselling and yet there is the possibility that couples counselling will turn into a further assault on your self esteem.  more self doubt not less.  two of them telling you what you should be doing better.

If your wife is gay in denial, and I believe that is the case from reading your post, that spark was only ever a reflection of the spark in your eye. Not the real thing.

I remember one day I was cleaning out the grate in the fireplace.  And it suddenly occurred to me that that is what I had been doing - clearing the grate and setting a new fire and hoping he will come to the party.  And enough was enough.

Time lines.  I used 3 months.  Then after 3 months I said you haven't talked with me and I am giving you another 3 months, I remember he thought it was amusing.  But I was just making sure he understood there was a time frame and then I was able to proceed with my determined escape out of the closet keyhole.

wishing you the best of luck, Lily

 

 

June 25, 2021 7:26 pm  #7


Re: 4868 days

Hello Ordinary guy,

That's a long time. I spent almost 20 years married to a closeted gay man.  It's definitely not what I signed up for. His obnoxious behavior was the main reason I sought a divorce. I dealt with healing from that and have been dealing with the GID issues he had for the last few years.

If you haven't already read it, please take a look at this forum's First Aid Kit. It's the first post at this link. This Kit has practical ideas for how to deal with a non-straight spouse.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=1217

Sometimes people don't mind if the sex is sporadic in a marriage as long as there is deep emotional intimacy and mutual respect.  Am hoping with marriage counseling you and your wife can build that.

Am hoping that your wife knows her behavior has caused you enormous stress and she is concerned. In my experience if she doesn't admit to it, I don't believe counseling can fix that.

I hope you post when you need and want to. We have been where you are, and have lots of (unwanted) experience dealing with it.

Please take care of your health!
Best,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

June 25, 2021 9:45 pm  #8


Re: 4868 days

lily wrote:

.....
Time lines.  I used 3 months.  Then after 3 months I said you haven't talked with me and I am giving you another 3 months, ....

Oh my Lily! I gave my partner 3 years! The difference being I never actually said "I'm giving you 3 years"
I just wanted him to open up and talk with me and, I must admit...wanted him to *know* what I meant without me having to say it out loud.

You must have a very resolute and determined personality

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 26, 2021 6:22 am  #9


Re: 4868 days

Well, I would prefer to know one way or the other. Timeline does not seem relevant to the truth at this point. I have been placed in the extreme risk category by the safeguarding mental health team due to suicidal ideation stemming from prolonged emotional abuse. It seems important somehow to know why this has been the case thus possibly allowing me to make a stoic judgement on the future. Self esteem is non-existent anyway and it could be a case of hitting the bottom first before you can bounce back. If it is the case that the last thirty years of my life have been built on a lie, I can honestly say that I do not know what affect that will have personally. I would have left those years ago when this behaviour toward me first started to manifest, but we had just had our son and I needed to face up to and accept the situation in order to be a Father if not a husband. I am too old to find someone else now and If things turn out negatively I think that trusting anyone will become a real struggle for me. I will keep you posted and again, I thank you for your support and advice.
 


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 26, 2021 6:44 am  #10


Re: 4868 days

, I hear what you are saying. I have been with my STBX for 45 years. I don’t really know what life is without him and that used to scare me. I’ve known him since grade three, started dating him at 15, I’m now 60 years old. A lifetime.

No, we may never meet another partner, but we really don’t know that. If the chance happens, I want to make sure I’ve healed and I’m the best person I can be. I can’t change what’s happened. But I know this, I will find joy again. I believe that with all my heart and I will do whatever it take to build a peaceful, caring life for myself. I can do that. I can give myself that happiness and peace that he couldn’t give me.

Please Take care, one day at a time.


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

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