I'm very sorry you're here Cindys. I'll try to address your post but please keep in mind that I'm expressing my opinion. I'm not a mental health professional. 

​1. Gay Porn Magazines: 12 years ago I found them, he then told me someone brought them for him as a joke, the recent gay porn magazines I found 3 weeks ago, were free with the purchase of dildos. And he claimed he never looked at gay porn only on those 2 occasions, but I found he opened a gay porn magazine on his iPhone, so I told him I knew he was lying, he then said he may watch gay porn but stopped that last year. He says he also watches other porn and would rather have a woman strap a dildo on and do it to him. That he could not imagine kissing a man or having sex with a man.

​I reckon he's lying. He seems to have a pattern: lie; minimize ("just once"); then when you confront him with more proof and he lies again. 

2. He has NOT had sex with me for 10 years, says he has ED. He claims he ONLY has sex with himself with inserting dildos and masturbating. That he knows he has been selfish and self indulgent and he wants our relationship to work.

This fits a common pattern with gay in denial husbands (GIDHs). They don't have sex with their wives for years or even decades. Moreover, if he's masturbating, then he's somehow getting erections. I don't know a lot of straight men who enjoy anal stimulation so this suggests he's probably gay. 

3. He contracted hepatitis B 12 years ago and I just recently found out looking at his medical records. He tried to deny it at first saying he got it thru food, I told him you only contract Hep B thru blood, semen, or anal sex. He then cried and said he strayed one time with a female and had anal sex with her, and when he pulled out his penis was all bloody.

​Good on you for doing your homework. The hepatitis coincides with the gay porn you found and I don't believe this is a coincidence. At the very least, he's admitted to cheating and hid a very serious medical condition from you. Given what you've shared, namely the dildos, Hep B, and so on, I believe your husband is a gay bottom. This means he gets penetrated during anal sex. From what I understand, bottoms are more likely to get STDs because anal sex is riskier for the receiving partner.  

​4. Now this may be too graphic, But I really need your opinion on this one: He travels on business, and when he came home, his business pants had fecal matter on the back belt loop, back pockets smear, and then on the front zipper opening there appear to be a drop of fecal matter (like a blood splatter would look like). And his underwear had fecal matter inside on top of band. I asked him what happened to his pants, he became defensive, and said he did not know, and then said they were dirty when he put them on and then said he had an accident and did not get to bathroom soon enough.

This suggests he's having sex in cruising grounds like parks or highway rest stops. I'll be equally graphic in this response so get ready. Before anal sex, the bottom (or receiver) often thoroughly douches to ensure that the sexual encounter is clean. If however the sex is outdoors and spontaneous, the bottom can't rinse beforehand. The encounter would then result in the stains you've described. This is pure speculation but the stains suggest he had sex with another man and when they were finished the man had feces on his penis (or condom). Again more speculation but I reckon that when your husband pulled up his pants after anal sex, the other man's penis stained the back of his pants. Then when he turned to face the man, presumably to say goodbye, the man's penis likely stained the front of his pants. If he didn't see the stains, I'd assume the encounter took place in the dark and close to home, perhaps when he was on his way back from a business trip. This would explain him not seeing the stains after he'd had sex and then coming straight home with the evidence. If you really want to know where your husband is "hunting" so to speak, just go on google, enter your town, and then search "gay cruising" for a nearby park or rest stop where gay men hook up. Given what you've described, I think your husband goes there pretty often and likely when he's coming home from a business trip. I hope that's not too painful to read. 

5. I don't understand why he did not tell me this accident before, because often when he jogs, he may have accidents and laughs about it when he runs in the house. 

Ok so now I think the cruising park is within jogging distance of your house. If he acts strange or guilty when coming back from his jogs, then I'm inclined to think he's hooking up on his regular runs. 

6. He also tells inappropriate jokes and comments about gays.

This is called "internalized homophobia" and it's common among closeted gay men. They speak negatively about gays as cover. 

7. But even with all this evidence, he tells me he is only "having self with myself." And that many men enjoy anal stimulation, that it is not just a gay thing.. he claims he worried he might be gay but researched it and knows it is common with straight men.

​He's lying. 

8. All of what I have shared is a side of my husband of 43 years that I never knew about. The man I loved, was always caring, and supportive to me. All my friends and family love him and tells me how lucky I am to have him. He is a good person.......BUT the betrayal OMG!

​I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of GIDHs are narcissists, meaning that they show a false self to the world. I too could play the perfect straight husband. After all, many of us have been playing straight our whole lives.  

9. Is he having sexual encounters with men? I have found no evidence of any hookups on craigslist or the Grindr sites. But he travels for business weekly nationwide.

Looking at the facts: 

- Gay porn
​- Questionable stains on his trousers
​- He has admitted to cheating (albeit with women)
​- He enjoys anal stimulation and frequently uses dildos
​- No longer has sex with his wife
​- A history of lying or "it happened once" minimization 
​- Hep B
​- Constantly traveling for business
​- Homophobic 

Yes I think he's been having sex with men for years.  Here are some other things that suggest a husband is gay in denial and cheating: 

​- An almost obsessive interest in staying in shape, particularly as he ages 
​- A very close male friend who is probably also closeted
- All of his devices are wiped clean or password protected
​- Acts very guilty when back from his business trips (for example buying you expensive gifts) because he went on a gay sex binge

As I've often shared here, if you're posting here, there is probably a 95% chance your husband is gay. I'd also trust your intuition. You know that none of this is normal. You also know your husband well enough to know when he's lying, feeling guilty, or just plain hiding something. Sadly, if he's over 60 the fear is too hard-wired for your husband to ever come out to you. He's likely too far gone to every admit that he's gay. In my experience, 50+ year old men really believe that they're straight, even when having sex with other men. In my opinion, yes your husband is gay, yes he's having a lot of a risky sex with other men, and yes he's lying to you. 

​I'm sorry if that stings my friend. Please feel free to post again if I haven't answered your questions. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (February 12, 2018 7:47 pm)

It's not unusual to see the story change - bit by bit.
- No, I'm not
- I thought about it but never acted on it
- except this one time, but just once
- actually it was twice...

...and on it goes, there will be a time when it hurts less, think of this like a forge that is making a new you.

Hello Sean, i posted recently #910....not sure if you saw it or not but i would love to have your take on my situation......i am struggling every day to make some sense of all of this as H is changing right before my eyes into a different person that i do not recognize....i get some answers from him but hoping you can fill in the blanks.....Thank you, Beth

Sean, HELP ME, HELP ME. I find myself slipping wanting to believe him.
He claims he only had one gay sexual encounter which he did not like and it scared him cause he contracted hep B so he has never had another encounter with a man. And that was not him, he is not gay because he would not like a man kissing him.
He claims for the 10 years we did not have sex , all he did was self stimulate with anal sex toys and watch gay porn, that he was scared to have sex with me because he had difficulty with ED and could not have sex the normal way.
He claims after 4 years of searching he was afraid he was gay because he likes anal stimulation but his research reassured him that straight guys like it, too.
And now he has found the answer he can have sex with me if with me "pegging." Because he is now turned on by watching porn and a female pegging a male.
I had told him that I would always be his best friend even if we divorced, so he now tells me he could not remain friends with me because it would be too painful for him.

I am so afraid right now......I keep reminding myself that I found those weird stains on his pants......

He just keep saying he is not gay. Is it really even a possibility that he is only anal self stimulation and only had one sexual encounter with a man?

I reread your prior note to me, it looks like you already answered these questions.

I feel like I am being held hostage, he tells me how much he loves me, ....and I know he does, and I love him. But I am no longer sexually attracted to him, I have no trust, I don't feel safe or protected, I am not going to be "pegging" him. It seems to be all about his dam anus! What turns him on, it's all about him. I have been married to him for 43 years, why is it that it took 43 years for me to see this selfishness?

 

Last edited by cindys (February 14, 2018 12:35 am)

Thank you for sharing Cindys and Duped. In reply: 

1. Sean, HELP ME, HELP ME. I find myself slipping wanting to believe him. He claims he only had one gay sexual encounter which he did not like and it scared him cause he contracted hep B so he has never had another encounter with a man. And that was not him, he is not gay because he would not like a man kissing him.

Of course you want to believe him. We all want to be loved. We all want our relationships to last. But the facts just don't add up. Anyone claiming, "It happened just once" is actually saying, "I only got caught once." So Hep B was first from seafood, then a woman, and now a man...sorry just "one man." He's lying and you know it.  
2. He claims for the 10 years we did not have sex , all he did was self stimulate with anal sex toys and watch gay porn, that he was scared to have sex with me because he had difficulty with ED and could not have sex the normal way.

​Straight men don't watch gay porn. Period. 

3. He claims after 4 years of searching he was afraid he was gay because he likes anal stimulation but his research reassured him that straight guys like it, too.

If by "research" he's referring to having sex with the guys hanging around the local cruising park and watching gay porn, I'm sure he's quite the expert. All kidding aside, he's afraid of losing his straight existence and you're his anchor to that false self. He's afraid of being gay, living openly, and losing you. 

​4. And now he has found the answer he can have sex with me if with me "pegging." Because he is now turned on by watching porn and a female pegging a male.

How generous of him. What's missing from all of this is, "I'm attracted to you." From what you've shared, he's admitted to gay sex, watching gay porn, and sticking sex toys up his *ss. You two also haven't had sex in 10 years. Gay. Gay. And gay in my book. 

5. I had told him that I would always be his best friend even if we divorced, so he now tells me he could not remain friends with me because it would be too painful for him.

​This sounds a lot like negotiating and it's part of detaching with love. Most gay/straight relationships reach a similar breaking point: his actions confirm that he's gay; he's now so delusional that even his lies don't add up any more; and the straight spouse questions whether she wants this kind of relationship any more. It's painful but you'll get through it.   

6. I am so afraid right now......I keep reminding myself that I found those weird stains on his pants......He just keep saying he is not gay. Is it really even a possibility that he is only anal self stimulation and only had one sexual encounter with a man? I reread your prior note to me, it looks like you already answered these questions.

I'm sorry you're suffering. There will come a time when you simply stop looking to him for answers. Why? Because he's incapable of telling the truth about his homosexuality. Most gay men start hiding their sexuality around age 5 or 6. So that's almost 60+ years that he's hidden his true self. You're never going to hear, "I'm gay" from your husband. He's incapable of saying the words. So let's look at the facts: 

​Fact #1: Your husband watches gay porn. 
​Fact #2: Your husband has had sex with another man. 
​Fact #3: Your husband caught hepatitis B through gay sex. 
​Fact #4: Your husband enjoys using sex toys for anal stimulation. 
​Fact #5: Your husband had sh*t stains on his pants that strongly suggest he's having sex in gay cruising parks. 
​Fact #6: Your husband hasn't had sex with you in 10 years. 

Based on what you've shared and my own experience as formerly gay-in-denial husband, I think we can safely assume the following:

​- Your husband is a closeted gay man who married a woman. 
​- Your husband's first gay sexual experience likely coincided with the time when you two stopped having sex.
​- Your husband caught Hep B because, on multiple occasions, he had unprotected anal sex with an infected man.
​- Your husband frequents a gay sauna or cruising grounds in your area.
​
​This is not a marriage. It's a lie. 

7. I feel like I am being held hostage, he tells me how much he loves me, ....and I know he does, and I love him.

Love isn't lying. Love isn't deception. Love isn't cheating. I reckon you're in love with the man he could be, rather than the man he is at the moment. You deserve better. 

8. But I am no longer sexually attracted to him, I have no trust, I don't feel safe or protected, I am not going to be "pegging" him. It seems to be all about his dam anus! What turns him on, it's all about him. I have been married to him for 43 years, why is it that it took 43 years for me to see this selfishness?

You're not to blame for any of this. I think you're perfectly justified in asking for a short-term separation so that you can clear your head. While you're with him, he'll just continue manipulating/gaslighting you. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to play detective. He'll be extra careful from now on. But I would suggest: 
 
​- Start your own thread here and sharing EVERYTHING
​- Reach out to the Straight Spouse Network for meetings or contacts in your area
​- Get a therapist and start counselling immediately, hopefully with a therapist experienced with narcissism
​- Read up on your husband's narcissism and the tricks narcissists play to manipulate their partners 
​- Once you've made all the arrangements to ensure your financial security, ask your husband to move out for a trial 60-day separation. Then post here daily to get support. You'll probably start seeing things more clearly after about 2-3 weeks. 

​I hope that helps Cindys. You are not alone so come back as often as you want. Be well.

Last edited by Sean (February 14, 2018 9:42 am)