Thanks for sharing CJ. There comes a point in all gay/straight relationships when the straight spouse no longer looks to her gay in denial husband (or "GIDH") for answers. People divorce all the time because of: lack of sex/intimacy; too much conflict; mental illness; or people just grow apart. I've just read the following post from a new member who is planning to confront her husband: 

"Here is what I do know:
1. 15 years ago, found gay porn magazines. I confronted my husband then and he told me co-workers were playing a joke on him. I choose to believe him.
2. Three weeks ago, I discovered 3 gay porn magazines, 2 dildos, anal sex toys, lubricate.
3. He has not had sex with me for over 10 years, he has ED.
4. He travels on business every week, multiple states.
5. he brought new bikini underwear, shaves pubic hair.
6. Found fecal matter in weird places on outside of pants and zipper.
7. Make inappropriate comments and jokes about gays
8. there is no evidence, yet, on his computer or i-phone of any hookups or sexual encounters with men.
9. Married 43 years and I am 63 years old. He is a good man, cares and love me....and I love him, BUT
now I am done. I want him to speak the truth to me, I know the truth, I believe w/o a doubt he is having sexual encounters with men. 

So with those known facts, how to approach him? I thought about writing a letter rather than iniating a conversation. Stating in the letter, that I know his secret, that I will never reveal it to anyone but that I need him to speak the truth. Because I already know the truth, I know All of it.  That I know he is having sexual encounters with men. Or just do it in a conversation. I did not plan on giving him specifics of what I know.....I don't want to show my hand. I will not be angry but calm in my approach. I do have somewhat of an advantage because I do complete "investigations" in my line of work, so he will be questioning what I do know. So please give me your opinions on the best approach to use in order to hopefully get the TRUTH. Thank you so much, Cindy" 

​Please go to Cindy's thread to provide encouragement/support: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=12157#p12157. Here is my response to Cindy's question: "So please give me your opinions on the best approach to use in order to hopefully get the TRUTH." 

​Please note that I'm not a mental health professional. I'm simply stating my opinion. With that in mind, before confronting a GIDH, I believe the straight spouse should: 

1. Look objectively at the facts (not his excuses denials). 
​2. Fully accept that her husband is indeed gay. 
​3. Completely accept that 95% of gay/straight marriages end in divorce.  
​4. Accept that he'll likely NEVER admit that he's gay, particularly if he's over 40. 
​5. Before confronting him, the straight spouse should: 

​a. Know EXACTLY what she wants to do (separate, divorce, or stay in the relationship)
​b. If she chooses separation/divorce: before any confrontation she should gather conclusive evidence of cheating; consult with a lawyer; ensure her own financial stability/security; ensure her own mental stability/health (by finding a counsellor or support group); come up with a detailed plan (and contingencies); and discuss the plan with close friends and family who are 100% on her side. This may take a few months or even a year but it's worth the effort.

​6. Now that you've made a decision, have reviewed your legal options, have ensured your financial security, and have really mourned that the end of your relationship, NOW you're ready to confront your GIDH.

​How to confront a gay in denial husband.

​Tip #1: Don't confront him. You're not going to win an argument with a man who has spent his entire life perfecting the art of hiding his sexuality. You're not going to hear the truth from a gay man who married a woman as cover.     
​Tip #2: Manage your expectations. ​You're never going to hear this: "Yes I've cheated on you with men and I'm so sorry. But I still love you and will do whatever it takes to be the attentive and loving straight husband you deserve."
​Tip #3: Expect the following: ​"I'm just curious (minimization). It only happened once (minimization). I was molested as a child (deflecting). You're too fat, demanding, and obsessed about sex (projecting/blaming/gaslighting). None of this is my fault."
​Tip #4: ​Once you've ensured your financial safety/security, have consulted with a lawyer, and have gathered evidence that he's gay, I'd suggest the following. Print out his Craigslist messages, compromising emails, photos, Grindr chats, porn history, or gather up his dildos/lube. Make sure you have photos/copies of everything and store them in a safe place. Then put it all on the kitchen table and write a three-word note: "I know everything." Then sit back and let him come to you. Remember that this isn't an argument. When we argue, we're open to another person's opinion. If your husband has sex with men and no longer has sex with you, then it's not up for debate. He's gay. No amount of therapy, pleading, nor tears are going to change that basic fact. If he's having sex with men and not you (nor any other woman), then he is GAY GAY GAY. And it's never going to change. 
​Tip #5: ​After whatever lapse in time you deem is appropriate, you're then ready to have a one-sided conversation: "I know you're gay. I'm not going to debate it. And this is what I'm going to do...."

​I hope that helps friends. Be well!  

Last edited by Sean (February 5, 2018 4:09 am)

Roo,

This sure sounds a lot like porn/sex addiction escalated to acting out.

Roo, Im so sorry you are going through this hell.
But here's my input in case you need it. I've heard this said many times; Bi-now Gay later.
I think I've also seen enough quotes from men who would support that regardless of how straight or only Bi they claim to be. The majority say as they get older they prefer just men. Many said that they gradually  formed more romantic ties with each other as they aged when that didn't use to be the case. 
Some admitted previously they wouldn't kiss, or do other things with men except get a BJ because they weren't gay and anything else grossed them out. But that too changed in time. 
I got this from Bi websites for men. I just wanted to hear their side and I can tell you that it only gets worse.
For us straights I think it's hopeless. There are some that claim to be faithful but that's only if their women play the man. I guess for some couples that could be a perfect match if your into that sort of thing.
Personally I'm not. I could see getting a little kinky to spice things up but for these guys there are no boundaries.
 

Thanks for sharing Roo. It takes a lot of courage to post here my friend so bravo for being so honest. In reply: 

1. I was wondering if he is so addicted to anal sex and giving BJ's now, can it/will it get worse. I think I am in a losing battle even if I do take on the dominate mistress more often. 

​Perhaps it's time to stop seeing all of this as an "addiction" or an "anomaly." All evidence suggests his attraction to men (and men's body parts) is likely his true sexual nature.    

2. Yes, he wants me to always call him a "slug/faggot" when we are having straight sex. That seems to really get him off, big time.

Not really my cup of tea but some men get off on it. Question: can he still have normal intercourse (meaning penis in vagina)? If he only wants to be penetrated while being called a "slut/faggot" I reckon we no longer need to debate his true sexuality. 

3. No, I am not comfortable using a dildo on him, but I do it, and I don't know why. 

Tell him. This is your life and your sex life as well. 

4. Yes, he would not have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT THAT. We've done the swing clubs many years ago and again, I was very uncomfortable with it. Honestly, if/when we do divorce, I'm not sure I could be intimate with anyone ever again. Especially at 57. 

Oh Roo I'm so sorry. I wish I could take away the pain. Straight spouses do everything possible to keep their gay-in-denial husbands happy. Sadly most of the time things just don't work out. You deserve a straight man who is crazy about you. Please keep coming back and sharing. You are not alone. 

Last edited by Sean (February 8, 2018 5:01 pm)

Sean, I would appreciate your insight. I approach my husband regarding my evidence, and here is his responses, but now we just had conversation number 4 and the stories keep changing:

Gay Porn Magazines: 12 years ago I found them, he then told me someone brought them for him as a joke, the recent gay porn magazines I found 3 weeks ago, were free wth the purchase of dildos. And he claimed he never looked at gay porn only on those 2 occasions, but I found he opened a gay porn magazine on his iPhone, so I told him I knew he was lying, he then said he may watch gay porn but stopped that last year. He says he also watches other porn and would rather have a woman strap a dildo on and do it to him. That he could not imagine kissing a man or having sex with a man.

He has NOT had sex with me for 10 years, says he has ED. He claims he ONLY has sex with himself with inserting dildos and masturbating. That he knows he has been selfish and self indulgent and he wants our relationship to work.

He contracted hepatitis B 12 years ago and I just recently found out looking at his medical records. He tried to deny it at first saying he got it thru food, I told him you only contract Hep B thru blood, seman, or anal sex. He then cried and said he strayed one time with a female and had anal sex with her, and when he pulled out his penis was all bloody.

Now this may be too graphic, But I really need your opinion on this one: He travels on business, and when he came home, his business pants had fecal matter on the back belt loop, back pockets smear, and then on the front zipper opening there appear to be a drop of fecal matter (like a blood splatter would look like). And his underwear had fecal matter inside on top of band. I asked him what happened to his pants, he became defensive, and said he did not know, and then said they were dirty when he put them on and then said he had an accident and did not get to bathroom soon enough. I don't understand why he did not tell me this accident before, because often when he jogs, he may have accidents and laughs about it when he runs in the house. 

He also tells inappropriate jokes and comments about gays.

But even with all this evidence, he tells me he is only "having self with myself." And that many men enjoy anal stimulation, that it is not just a gay thing.. he claims he worried he might be gay but researched it and knows it is common with straight men.

All of what I have shared is a side of my husband of 43 years that I never knew about. The man I loved, was always caring, and supportive to me. All m friends and family love him and tells me how lucky I am to have him. He is a good person.......BUT the betrayal OMG!

Is he having sexual encounters with men? I have found no evidence of any hookups on craigslist or the grindr sites. But he travels for business weekly nationwide.

Thank you so much, 
cindy