We're all friends here and, as friends, we're sharing our experience and wisdom. There's no harm in that. While I always thought my own situation was unique, what strikes me is how common the journey is among gay/straight marriages. It's as if we're all following the same map. For example: 

PHASE 1: LOVE
1. Things start off fine between the gay and straight spouses and yet something feels 'not right.'
2. Sex is ok at the beginning then becomes less frequent. 

PHASE 2: NARC HELL
3. The gay spouse (normally a husband) becomes emotionally withdrawn and may become a narcissist. 
4. The straight spouse (normally a wife) feels this is her fault (because he says it is) and tries harder to make the relationship work. 

PHASE 3: CYBER CHEATING
5. The gay spouse starts with porn, then Craigslist, and eventually cheats with other men. 
6. The straight spouse grows suspicious and starts checking his phone, tablet, and computer. She may also start visiting this website or others for support. 

PHASE 4: DISCOVERY...AND THEN DENIAL
7. The gay spouse gets caught, goes full-blown narcissist as a defense, and still denies he is gay. 
8. The straight spouse is in shock and yet more determined than ever to save the family/marriage. 
9. Both spouses try to explain away the gay thing: "just a phase", "absent father", "he was molested" in an attempt to see his homosexuality as something temporary and perhaps treatable. This is of course wrong. 

PHASE 5: OUT AND JUGGLING 
10. Now out, there is no going back. And the gay spouse starts a 'gay adolescence' of sex, extreme self-centredness, and irresponsible behaviour. This is when he may fall in puppy love with a new partner. 
11. The straight spouse starts to consider separation and divorce. She may consult a lawyer. 

PHASE 6: DEPRESSION AND ANGER 
12. The gay spouse moves out and becomes depressed and despondent for destroying everything. 
13. The straight spouse struggles both financially and emotionally. 
14. They start divorce proceedings. 
15. They may try to remain friends (and co-parents) for a time with mixed results. 
16. Straight spouse gets very very angry. 
17. They divorce. 

PHASE 7: ACCEPTANCE/HEALING
18. After a few years and lots of apologies, both spouses accept the end of their relationship was inevitable.
19. They move on, forgive each other, and perhaps find new partners. 
20. Life goes on.  

That's my take on it friends. What's your opinion? 

Last edited by Séan (December 1, 2016 8:51 pm)

You make a very good point Lake Breeze. My list isn't perfect and many of us can get hung up on various stages...perhaps even for decades. Feel free to modify/change my list if you like. I was surprised to learn when posting here that I was among a minority of husbands who actually came out to his wife...the same day she confronted me in fact. I can't imagine the pain when a husband refuses to come out, even when confronted with overwhelming evidence of infidelity. Thanks for the shout out JK. How are things going with you?  

Wanted to add a couple more things re my previous post 2 posts above.  With my did-not-come-out-spouse, Sean, your #12 was left at "the gay spouse moves out", period.  There was no feeling of depression or despondency, because he had no feeling of having "destroyed everything", although he did. He was usually always depressed, because he is gay, he knew it, and was merely using me.  That would depress anyone.  His depression had nothing to do with any feelings of having destroyed anything.  His feelings of depression were due to his feeling like "a victim" and that life had not been fair to him, etc.  That had nothing to do with having used someone for more than 25 years, and not giving a damn what that did to his children.  In fact, I think his feeling victimized legitimized his lack of caring in his mind, and actually seemed to validate his using me in his mind.  I truly believe he thought it was OK to mess up somebody else's life, because he thought his life had been messed up.

Also, it is my understanding that a person is essentially born a narcissist, as it is primarily a genetic sort of thing.  One does not "become" narcissistic because they find themselves in a difficult situation, e.g. being confronted by their straight spouse about having hidden their homosexuality for years.  My sense is that most of these gay spouses are probably narcissistic, but not because of being gay.  There are plenty of gay people who do not behave in this way, in spite of all of the societal issues they have to deal with.  I think that these narcissistic gay spouses are narcissists first, and that they just happen to be gay.  I suspect most of them do and will continue to exhibit their narcissistic behavior with a gay partner.  You can have a personality disorder whether gay or straight.  It is the personality disorder that allows a gay person to use and exploit a straight person.  It is not the repression and oppression (or depression for that matter) that a gay person experiences that causes them to behave in a narcissistic way.  It is the personality disorder they were born with, pretty much plain and simple (I think it tends to run in families too).  The fact that so many gay people live honest lives with good character and integrity demonstrates that it is not "repression" or "depression" that causes the behavior.

All of that said, I do have some serious issues with the whole mental health system of labelling, the DSM, and I do believe that the term "narcissist" gets thrown about much too frequently and cavalierly, but in a general sense, and just for the sake of example/explanation, what I said above, I believe is true.

Kel wrote:

I agree with O.O.H.C. - he's gotten buy-in from you on keeping what is arguably the single biggest issue in your relationship in the closet?? How f'd up is THAT? Gee, how convenient for him! <:-/ Then he gets to put the focus on "joint" problems, which of course puts you on the defensive and makes you do work to prove that you're all in. If you're done, then don't play this game. Go to counseling for yourself. Otherwise couples counseling is for the COUPLE to get better. If you feel that you can no longer go on as a couple, then why do couples counseling? Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I don't recommend it as it only brings more confusion. If he cares about making this work, he'd have gone out of his way long before now to show you his love, dedication and passion. The fact that he hasn't is all the counseling I'd need.

By the time my ex wanted to work hard at things, it was too little, too late. He'd shown me with his actions that he'd only give me what I needed if it affected HIM negatively. My happiness wasn't on his list of concerns unless I tried to pull away from being his beard. Then it was Emergency! Emergency! Better tell her she's beautiful and offer to rub her back! F*ck that static.

Once you get to the point where you realize that whatEVER the problem is, it isn't changing, then reasons no longer matter. Intentions no longer matter. He either can't or won't change, so you're left with the same problem, whether you can ever put a name to it or not.

Hope I'm not being too harsh. I'm on your side. I refuse to be quiet when your heart is what's at stake. You've been emotionally manipulated for so long that even when you're standing up straighter than normal, you're still bent over backwards. This is not.his.show anymore. It's yours now. Be fierce!!!

Kel

So, I mentioned Divorce to my husband and he almost lost it.  He did what Kel said above, tried to focus on joint problems and accused me that he is the only one trying to save our marriage.  I've put in zero effort to reach out to him.  So I told him that I do not love him anymore, I will never trust him again (because of the lies, the neglect, etc.) and I cannot see myself with him any longer.  I am so angry at him that I cannot stand to look at him.  His response was that he will never get divorced.

So, I started doubting myself afterwards.  Did I really try hard enough to make this work?  Am I wrong about him being gay?  Then I read Kel's post and I "get" why I am so angry with him and unmoved about his efforts.  He neglected me for months; left me to struggle with bills and raising the kids while he was unemployed (by his own doings) and depressed;  did not care one day about my well being.  Now that he stands to loose the Keeper of his Closet (thats how I think about my role in his life) he wants to work hard to keep me.  Smothering me to the point where I want to scream.  All the while he is still chatting with a guy, not knowing that I discovered this two days ago.

So, Kel, thank you for the reminder.  It is very hard to stay focused and on path while your heart wants something else.  To remember that him maybe-gay, is not the biggest problem, but rather the sea of lies, deception, manipulation, neglect, lack of growth, love, passion and I cannot even remember what else.  Therapy is definitely not going to help.  Between him and the therapist I am the worst wife ever for not understanding his problems at work and weariness and I should "accommodate the white lies." If nothing, therapy showed me that he will never face the real problems head on and will evade it as long as he lives.  

Thanks again.  I am in no position to give any advise to anybody, since I am struggling daily to keep my sanity, but I do read all the posts and comments regularly.  

Mrs Lonely

Hey Sean
Funny you said that they project their feelings onto others such as suggesting I could be a lesbian.  He totally did that!  Wanted to go to a strip club and have a female lap dance.  Told me he wouldn't think it was cheating if I slept with a woman.  Downloaded lesbian porn for 'me' without me asking.
Also you said they can be a good dad.  I often wondered about that why he's so good with them and kind and empathetic.
Vicky