Thank you for posting. In reply:

"He is now calling my family cousin and uncles to tell them that I have had many sexual partners and to shame me. Telling everyone I have a conspiracy that he is gay. Some of my family believe it and think that I am making all of it up to 'get rid of him'. Lets hope this all ends soon and he leaves me alone."

​I've read about this type of projecting before. It will burn hot for a time but he'll eventually move on. It sounds a lot like narcissism. The gay-in-denial husband who cheats tells his friends and extended family it was his wife who cheated, who's gay, and she's to blame for the relationship's end. I know from experience that men like us are OBSESSED with what others think of us and will often do and say anything to keep from being outed. It's called projecting.

​The best defence when you're dealing with a gay-in-denial husband suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (or "NPD") is to do something called "going grayrock." This means being as dull and uninteresting as a gray rock. Right now he's panicking, afraid that you'll out him. So he's looking to engage with you and others with the sole purpose of staying in the closet. For the next year, just think of him as radioactive so any time you engage with him, you'll be exposed. If he suffers from full-blown NPD, he's like a parasite...he can't survive on his own. If you stay off his radar, he'll eventually move on to someone else. I'd recommend seeing a mental health professional who has experience with narcissists as he/she can give you some advice on moving forward.

​These are early days so I'd recommend taking back control over your communication by blocking him from contacting you via telephone or text, un-friend and blocking him on all social media, create a dedicated email address and give him the information, then have someone else read your email messages and let you know if it's anything important. It's helpful to think of your gay-in-denial husband in terms of an addiction, meaning that you have very little control and a kind of addiction to him. If you can go about 90 days no contact, you'll normally be over the worst of it. But don't think you have to do it alone. I'd urge you to share everything with trusted friends and family so that that you have allies you can turn to when you want to reach out to him...which is inevitable.

​If he follows a similar pattern to other gay-in-denial husbands, I'd get ready for the "big move" to perhaps win you back. This may mean a fake suicide attempt, sudden injury, or just old fashioned love bombing to get back together. If you do get back together, the honeymoon will last about 1-3 months before he's back on the porn, cheating, and abusing you.

​I hope that helps my friend. You are not alone.

Last edited by Sean (December 19, 2017 3:40 pm)

We're all helping each other my friend. Your courage in sharing your story is also helping countless others so please keep coming back. If you feel like you need immediate help, you can call the Straight Spouse Network: 773-413-8213 to find out about meetings or contacts in your state/area. There are also free online programs like co-dependents anonymous (http://locator.coda.org/index.cfm?page=phoneMeetings.cfm​) for people who are struggling in relationships with narcissists and sociopaths. You can also private message members to schedule a telephone call. It can take time to find a therapist and schedule your first appointment so these free (and immediate) resources might be helpful. As always, please feel free to post here or share on your own thread. You are not alone.  

Last edited by Sean (December 19, 2017 3:37 pm)

Hey Roo. Thanks for sharing although I'm terribly sorry that you've found yourself posting here. Before responding to your message, please promise me you'll do two things: 1. Practice safe sex with your husband as he's clearly having sex outside of your relationship (namely in saunas); and 2. Get tested for STDs. Now in response to your question:

"My question is, is he really bi or could he be flat out gay? Ever since I met him, he was into hetero porn." 

If anyone identifies as bisexual, please feel free to share your opinions/experience. I can only speak to the "flat out gay" question because I've never identified as bisexual. Why? Because I am 100% gay and have ZERO interest in, nor sexual attraction to, women. With that in mind, let me share how I acted while married to a straight woman:

​1. Never initiated sex.
​2. When having sex, she always initiated and was always on top.
​3. Near the end of our relationship, I had trouble staying hard. 
​4. I never enjoyed performing oral sex on my (then) wife. I did it maybe a handful of times.
​5. I was uncomfortable with physical contact such as hugs and I'd always squirm out of them.
​6. I only dry kissed. Deep kissing turned me off.  
​7. During sex I'd shut my eyes, fantasize about men, and would try to get it over with as quickly as possible.
8. My porn habits were 100% gay. 

Again, keeping in mind that I'm not a bisexual, perhaps we can deduce whether someone is attracted to both women and men by process of elimination. So if I am 100% gay, logically a bisexual man would: 

1. Initiate sex with his wife.
​​2. Enjoy different sexual positions. 
​3. Stay aroused/hard during sex with his female partner.
​4. Enjoy performing oral sex on his wife and generally delight in her body. 
​5. Like physical contact such as hugs. 
​6. Enjoy deep kissing.  
​7. Be present during sex, not far off fantasizing. 
8. If he watches porn, he'd enjoy man/woman pornography.

​Again these are not hard and fast rules as I'm not bisexual so I'd encourage you to reach out to your local LGBTQ centre and speak to a bisexual man to gain more insight. With regards to your situation, two things concern me: first, he only used the term "bisexual" after you'd challenged him as I believe most bisexuals tend to discuss it openly with their partners beforehand; and second, the gay sauna is a red flag in my opinion because his putting your sexual health at risk because of STDs. This is why I'd urge you to practice safe sex going forward AND get tested as soon as possible.

​I hope that helps Roo. Please feel free to write again if I haven't answered your questions.     

 

I've read similar stories from other straight spouses. Many had gay boyfriends before marrying gay-in-denial men. In response to your questions:

1. I was wondering Sean what made you realise it's time to come out of the closet?

​It wasn't by choice. My then wife was suspicious, started investigating, and finally asked me the question. At first I denied it, then I came out to her several hours later.

2. What happened that prompted you to just be honest after all those years?

My ex-wife forced the issue. She'd seen some emails I'd exchanged with a male escort and then confronted me. It was her courage that forced me to come out of the closet. Had she not confronted me, I would probably still be closeted.

​3. How did people react?

​This was probably the most surprising thing. Half the people I came out to said, "Well I always suspected" and the other half got over the news in record time. I was actually disappointed that friends and family weren't more shocked. I'd spent my whole life agonizing over my sexuality and my uncle's reaction was, "We still love you. It's going to be a rocky road ahead for you and the kids. Now please pass the potato salad." Those were his exact words.  I spent roughly two years obsessing about being gay and now accept it's a part of me like my eye colour. My children had a harder time adjusting to the divorce because while married I was a very hands-on father. When I came out to them, roughly six months after separating from their mother, they were shocked but rather quickly adjusted.

​I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again.
 

Last edited by Sean (December 20, 2017 6:16 pm)

Happy new year friends. May 2018 be a time of healing for everyone. Be well!