Thank you very much for posting...although I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. First and foremost, I want you to do a few things: 1. If you've ever had unprotected sex with your husband, get tested immediately for STDs; 2. Your husband will likely fake an interest in sex to win you back. This "honeymoon" phase is common and can last from a few weeks to several months. If you do have sex with him again, use condoms. 3. As others have shared, I'd recommend getting a therapist, just for you. This is not a couples therapist but someone who will focus exclusively on your mental health.

​Now with regards to your posts, I agree 100% with what my fellow members have shared. The fact that you're playing detective and posting here are almost always confirmation that your husband is gay. Given my own experience and further to my time posting here, the following elements are quite common among gay-in-denial husbands:

​1. A deeply religious (and homophobic) background.
​2. Little interest in sex with you (women).
​3. Lots of unexplained absences, like claiming overtime without the pay.
​4. A spouse-like relationship with another man.
​5. He acts homophobic yet is strangely fascinated by gay men and gay culture.
​
​Let's set aside the gay thing for a moment and just look at your relationship. Given what you've shared:

1. You are unhappy to a point that you attempted suicide.
​2. There has never been a strong sexual connection between the two of you.
​3. There are trust issues and clearly deceit on his part.
​
​I reckon whether or not your husband is gay is secondary. Why? Because without happiness, intimacy, and trust/honesty, no relationship can survive. Sadly many straight spouses focus almost exclusively on the gay thing in the hope that if he is somehow cured of his attraction to men, he'll then miraculously become the perfect husband. It rarely happens.

​Moreover, he's demonstrating some dangerous narcissistic personality traits that I also had while in the closet. I am not a mental health professional, however, I have long believed that gay-in-denial men often suffer from something called narcissistic personality disorder (or "NPD"). NPD is simply a toxic form of self-centredness that renders the narcissist incapable of appreciating other's emotions. A mental health professional can help you determine if your husband suffers from NPD but here are some common traits:

​1. Projecting: He checks your email and is generally suspicious of you whereas clearly he's the one who's acting suspiciously. 
2. Lack of Empathy: Whether he's a gay-in-denial narcissist or just a toxic narcissist, he appears to be incapable of appreciating your emotions. Husbands don't stay out all night on their wedding nights. A man who loves his wife doesn't reject her overtures for sex and then make it feel like it's her fault.
​3. Gas lighting/Crazy Making: Narcissists spend so much time blowing hot/cold and saying completely opposite things that they eventually drive their partners crazy. This is often called "gas lighting." If you're attempting suicide to get his attention, this isn't love nor friendship so I disagree with what you wrote: "He has been my best friend for the past 15 months." Friendship isn't neglect, rejection, nor deceit. I'd also like to add that his family sound like enablers. They're calling you crazy and sex-obsessed which is absurd. I reckon they know he's gay and if they're religious have probably attempted some form of f*cked up conversion therapy.

​I agree wholeheartedly with your mom, block all of them and this includes you're husband. Any contact with him at this point will simply be a manipulation to get you back into the relationship so that he has a "beard" or a wife as cover so he can remain on the closet. I'd recommend you create your own thread on this website, go 90 days no contact with your husband, and use this time to focus exclusively on you and your well-being. I hope that helps my friend. You are not alone!

Last edited by Sean (December 17, 2017 1:03 pm)

Hi Sean, 

Thanks for being here. I have known my husband since we were 9. I fell i love with him at 13. We lost our virginity together and we on and off all of high school. At age 20 I became pregnant. His parents pressure us to marry, I was happy cause I always loved him. Now I see, we should have waited. 2 years into our marriage, he introduces me to Tranny porn. I was turned off immediately. But I was so scared to lose him that I felt it was my job to please him. So I let him dress up and used a strap on. I didn't enjoy it at all but he did. I thought ok, if I do this, he wont need it from someone else. Well, one day I found out he had been spending hundreds of dollars over the past year (at least) on tranny porn, sex phone calls with trannys, live videos, amd even subscriptions to chat sites. He reached out to 1 tranny FOR SURE and wrote about how he "bet his cock tastes so good" and this man was close enough to possibly meet for real one day. It was worse too that this guy was disgusting and old. He wasnt like the pretty trannys in the porn videos. It made it worse somehow. My husband denies ever meeting up with anyone. He says he has never physically cheated on me. And he "doesn't think he could have gone through with it" (cheating on me)
My husband has been penetrating himself since he was sexually active at 13. I never knew. 
After I found all the lies, I wanted to leave him. I didnt give myself time to process it. I let his parents convince me to stay. He said it was an addiction that had lead him down a dark path. He thought he could fight the urges and wanted to change. I feel like he really has tried. He will go months without the porn or anal penetration...but eventually he craves it and gives in. He thinks if he is just masturbating it doesnt/shouldnt hurt me. But he wants what I dont have. We have been married almost 8 years now. We have gone through trying to supress it/change our feelings about it and i accept that we cannot.  We have always had great sex though and he always initiates it. So i cant believe he is only gay. 
over the past 5 years he continued to secretly wear my underwear to masturbate in (rarely he claims) and use my dildos!(rude, gross, disrespectful) he even used the handle to the toilet plunger to please himself! These things are gross to me. But because I know he cant change them, for the past year ive been telling him I accept this part of him and i dont want him to be ashamed or hide things from me. This has prompted him to buy his own didlo and he continues to watch tranny porn. Denies using my underwear for a few years now. 
We also started swinging which i think came about because we are so sexually dysfunctional now. (It doesnt bother him to see another man fuck me) I used it as a chance to offer  him to be with a man, not a tranny, which he said no to. He claims he isnt attracted to masculinity. But that makes no sense as a penis is masculine in my book. 

What are your thoughts on this? 

Thank you. 

Last edited by Tyurk (December 17, 2017 11:56 am)

Sean,

Wow. Thank you. Just thank you. I am on the verge of tears reading this as you are hitting most of it on the head.

You are helping me see this for what it is.

Hey guys I found a great website run by a lady called Bonnie Kay she sent me all her news letters they may offer some comfort to some of you. Just google Bonnie Kay you can email her and she replies back . I understand the Gas-lighting now Sean

Last edited by confusedbunny1 (December 17, 2017 5:20 pm)

Thanks for your posts. In reply:

1. Tyurk: Let me answer your question about the great sex life comment. I do not participate in pegging or strap on with him since he betrayed me. I told him i never liked it and since it didn't keep him from straying, I won't do it ever again. And i havent. But we have great hetero sex. As in it feels great and he is into it. And he initiates it frequently, a couple times a week. He seems to enjoy giving me oral too or he is an actor. Idk.

It's very hard to fake enjoying sex for years so I'd go with your gut on this one. Moreover, if he's initiating sex, he's different from about 95% of the gay-in-denial husbands I've read about here. I myself initiated sex probably twice in my entire relationship with my (then) wife. I am 100% gay so I simply wasn't interested in sex with a woman.

2. Confusedbunny: What's it like to be a gay guy married to a straight woman?

Crazy, angry, and uncomfortable. It's like wearing the tightest and most uncomfortable/itchy polyester suit while standing in the blazing August heat. My gay/straight marriage resembled many broken heterosexual relationships: meaning anger; resentment; and sarcasm.  

3. Did you ever feel guilty?

During my marriage, no I didn't feel guilty. The guilt came later after I'd separated. While married, most of my mental energy was spent hiding in the closet, acting straight, and projecting all of my frustration/anger on those around me (wife, kids, co-workers, family etc).

4. Did you ever think what have I done to her?

Near the end of my relationship, yes I started to understand what I'd done. I also apologized during couples counselling. But most of the guilt and insight came after I'd separated and divorced.

5. Is sex with a woman really really bad when you are gay? I am just wondering what it was like for him. ​

This is a very good question. Most straight wives feel some form of disconnect during intimacy with their gay husbands. This makes the sex uncomfortable because the straight wife somehow knows her gay-in-denial husband is elsewhere, likely fantasizing about sex with men, because he isn't enjoying sex with her. This is why many gay-in-denial husbands force their wives to "peg" them which means she penetrates him with a dildo or strap on. If you've ever experienced this kind of discomfort (or disconnect) when having sex with your gay-in-denial husband, multiply it 10x, and then imagine you, a heterosexual woman, forcing yourself to have sex with another woman for years. This is what it was like for me, a gay man, to have sex with a woman for years. It was like being forced to have sex with my sister. Yes there was affection for my then wife, but intimacy always felt wrong and there was zero sexual attraction.  

Upon reflection, I think it's kind of the same experience for both the gay and straight spouses having sex together. Neither feels a real connection, but it's compounded for the gay spouse because he/she is also having sex with the wrong gender. Perhaps long-time member Kel can share her own experience. She was married to a gay man, lived through years of sexual dysfunction, and now met a straight man who is crazy about her...in and out of the bedroom. Kel can you share your thoughts on this subject?

This is what I truly fear about people who choose to go the route of gay/straight mixed orientation marriages (or MOMs). I fear that straight wives will never be with a man who growls when he sees her naked. I fear she'll spend her whole life acting like another gay man in bed as she's forced to penetrate him time and time again. I fear straight wives knowing their husbands have to shut their eyes tight to fantasize about men while having sex with her. I fear a lifetime of dry kisses, squirmy hugs, and never seeing "the look" or bedroom eyes of someone who truly desires her. I reckon we all deserve to be with people who just can't wait to get us home and into bed. 

I hope that makes sense! Be well my friends.

Last edited by Sean (December 18, 2017 12:00 am)