Hello,
I need some help.  I have been with a man for the last 20 years, we were married, divorced, he remarried.  They have since divorced, throughout the last 20 years we have never been out of contact.  Last February we officially got back together.  The sex department has basically been non existent for the last 3 yrs.
  It seems he has ED, we have never had a problem before...daily, or more than once a day.  He likes receiving oral sex but not giving.  He wants back door sex, I refuse.  In the last six months we haven't  had sex, when I bring it up he tells me I'm a mood killer, and he just wasn't interested in sex.
We started a business 3 months ago where we are in a bar area that has historically been known as a gay area.  We have had some regular customers that come late at night, one in particular stands twisting his foot in a feminine way while talking to my guy.  Another evening the same guy parked way up the street and walked/ran in the pouring rain to our location.  I told my guy that this man was interested in him, that he was gay.  He told me I was judgemental and he didn't  pick up on that and that he knew gay. They show up in a group and the foot twister came one evening rapidly raising his eyebrows at my guy.  My guy said it was like what's up.  My response was "how can I pick up on it and you aren't? "  This group of guys come almost nightly and I made no pretense of my dislike of the whole situation.  He asked why I would be upset, which my response was I would have a problem with a guy or a girl hitting on my man.  Because  I was very vocal I believe thats why they quit coming around.  He has always had derogatory remarks as far as gays.
Another evening a guy came up that mine obviously  knew, he chit chatted as long lost friends.  The guy asked him "do you still have a girl?"  I walked up and said to both of them what does that mean?  My guy said her for now!  After he left we had a discussion, my guy said he knew that he knew him but couldn't  remember from where.  When asked about the comment of me being his girl for now, he blew it off as mix up of words.
On the nights I'm not there he has left early and has several hours before our business  starts, usually around 8p.  For the last month I haven't been there the business starts always right at 12:30a when it should be around 8p.  I came right out and asked what he was doing in all the hours leading up to  the 12:30a, denial, doesn't know what I'm talking about.  He picks fights with me constantly at the drop of a hat and it's daily.  if I ask him anything he says they are stupid questions and I am interrogating him.  My response was that if that is what he comes up with "interrogating " just because I ask something he must be guilty of something, question is what!
Several weeks ago I tried to discuss with him about his self medicating with beer and Marijuana, it didn't go well.  I have passed it off on his depression, a lot more pressures I haven't stated.  Now I'm not sure that the depression and self medicating isn't  trying to bury something else.
  I told him he had something to tell me and to just spit it out!  He denied he had anything to tell me.
In closing in 20 years he has never called me names, but in the last 3 months of starting the business and being around this type of crowd he has definitely cut loose in the name calling department.
I apologize for rambling, my grammar and punctuation are probably horrible.  i hope someone or several would have some insight.  i have not come out and confronted him if he is Bi or Gay, i dont want to hurt him if he is not.  He definitely has his plate overflowing with what i do know. I am at my wits end.

Thank you Vicky,
excuse me to be so stupid, what is gaslighting?

Thanks LC and Vicky for sharing. I'm very sorry LC that your partner is such an *sshole. You deserve better. 

What you've so bravely shared LC sounds like a closeted man who has narcissistic personality disorder (or "NPD"). Narcissists are people who hate themselves to a degree that they can no longer process strong emotions like fear, shame, anger etc. To protect themselves, they create a "false self" which they show the world. This perfect self is normally charming, successful, funny etc. while inside they are tortured. Narcissists typically choose as partners kind and caring people who suffer from something called "co-dependency." While the narcissist is completely self-centred, the co-dependent lives only for others. A co-dependent spouse is often the child of alcoholic, abusive, or manic depressive parents. Like the narcissist, the co-dependent is incapable of self-love and only feels alive when saving friends, lovers, spouses, the world etc. Narcissists are constanlty on the look out for people to supply them with love, attention, and adoration. Like tics or mosquitos, they are emotional parasites in need of fresh supply. They follow a standard pattern of attract, capture, feed, discard. The narcissist attracts a partner through something called "lovebombing" with lots of attention, sex, and affection. Once they have their partner, the mask starts to come off with strange behaviours like criticism, rule setting, lack of sex etc. And the final stages are when the narcissist projects all of his self-hatred and negative emotions on the partner, driving him/her mad. This final stage is when he/she starts to look for a new partner or supply. Given when you've shared, you appear to be in the final stages of the narcisist cycle which is called "discard." Unfortunately, most narcissists end up destroying their co-dependent hosts because they drive them mad with their manipulations. "Gaslighting" is one such tactic and you provided an excellent example with the "I'm with her for now..." conversation. Gaslighting is when a narcissist manipulates his/her partner to a point that the partner questions their own sanity. This is typically part of the "discard" part of the relationship. 

I'm sorry for this rather clinical reply to your questions. Please keep in mind that not everyone nor every relationship fits what I've described above. So he may not be a full-blown narcissist and you may not be at all co-dependent. At the end of the day, regardless of labels we must decide what we want out of our relationships. We all deserve love, honestly, and respect. I'd recommend reading about narcissism so that you can protect yourself from his cruel manipulations. I'd recommend "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" but there are lots of online resources or books available. Given what you've shared, I think your partner is a closet gay narcissist. The hardest thing to accept is that you can't change him. He'll never change unfortunately. But you can change and I'd recommend you talk about your problems with friends, family, or perhaps a professional. You've taken a huge step by sharing here so I'd encourage you to keep posting. I hope that helps in some small way. 

Last edited by Séan (November 27, 2016 12:20 pm)

Hi Vicky. Thanks for posting. I'm sorry if I offended you or others when describing co-dependent spouses. You reminded me that not all straight spouses are co-dependent, so I've just added the following to my last post:

"Please keep in mind that not everyone nor every relationship fits what I've described above. So he may not be a full-blown narcissist and you may not be at all co-dependent. At the end of the day, regardless of labels we must decide what we want out of our relationships. We all deserve love, honestly, and respect."

You also shared:

"What you described about the NPD is interesting because when we had our talk yesterday he seemed to think he was hard on himself not on me.  He is overly confident in public but not in reality."

​Again this suggests he has narcissistic personality disorder ('NPD'). The defensiveness, seeing himself as the centre of all things, overconfidence when 'on stage', strangely seeing himself as a victim while attacking others etc. are just some of the things I too did when I was stuck in the NPD closet. This may or may not get better once he's 100% out. Coming out snuffed out most of my own NPD but it still took a lot of therapy for me to change. Clearly you're not the classic co-dependent because you set boundaries, clearly see his actions for what they are, control the family finances, and so on. So I'll be mindful not to paint with such broad strokes in future posts. Thanks again!  

Re Vicky's comment about having seen the play "Gaslight" with her spouse:  My former husband brought the video of the movie home for me to watch once.  He said he thought I'd like it, because I liked old movies, etc.  At the time of course, I just thought it was a good eerie story, and had not connected any dots.  These gay spouses are really something else!