Thank you for writing Alise. Following a break up, I think all relationships have a natural tapering off period. This is when two people learn to live apart, although there may be the odd phone message, text, or Facebook message. My ex-wife and I were very close following our separation...too close according to our kids. I think it was more out of fear than because of real affection for one another. After 25 years together, it was very hard for both of us to live apart and after all, society wants two people to remain together. But we're learning to live apart now. We don't see each other very much these days. We exchange the odd text, but strictly about our kids.

​With regards to your ex-boyfriend, from what I understand narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths see the people in their lives as nothing more than prey (it's also called "supply" in psycho-jargon). I find it helps to see these dangerous people as scorpions, emotionless stinging killers, and to see yourself as a cute little mouse. When a narcissist is hunting, this is called "love bombing." They are looking for people to supply them with validation and will do anything to trap you...much like a scorpion cornering a mouse. This is when the narcissist is most charming because they want something from you. They're hunting after all. But once caught, it's game over. They start at first to sting (usually via verbal abuse). Once you're trapped, they then feed off of your kindness and emotional responses. And just before you've given them everything, they start looking for more prey. I reckon that your ex-boyfriend found a new source of 'supply' in Mike. But the narcissist is always keenly aware that their relationships will likely end, so they're on a constant hunt which is probably why he's still in contact with you.    

​With regards to your counselor, please keep in mind that this person works for you. So if she isn't giving you what you need, move on. I sent you a link the other day but you might also try, thriveafterabuse.com. I believe the website is for people coming out of these kinds of relationships. While professional help is good, I've always found sharing with people who have had similar experiences (like this site) much more constructive. As you shared, I think this is more than just a gay/straight thing. I think your ex-boyfriend is simply a dangerous scorpion so whenever you get a message or voicemail, simply repeat "scorpion" to yourself. Because once he has you pinned down, he'll start stinging again.

Thank you for writing Grace.

1. My divorce is almost done. But now I find myself facing a vast sea of loneliness. I find myself missing my husband very much.

​I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely and I'm sure a lot of people posting here can relate to what you're going through. I recall being at the courthouse, being called in to sign divorce papers, and then BANG the whole thing was over in just 15 minutes. It was such an anticlimax and coming home to an empty apartment was the worst! Beginnings are always hard. For me, early divorce was like the emotional equivalent of those first few weeks on the treadmill after going months or even years without exercise. It was hard freaking work.  

2. I've thought about spending the holidays with him with the kids. Will this be counter productive to my healing? We have been apart six months now. He has not come out yet as gay though the kids know.

The fact that he isn't out (and the kids know) is a red flag. In my opinion, men who refuse to come out of the closet post-divorce are still doing damage to themselves, their ex-wives, and their families. Why? Because it forces you and your children to keep on pretending which is emotionally exhausting. Remember that you divorced over this issue and continuing to hide it is unhealthy. So I'd consider the following: are you still bitter/angry after the divorce? If yes, spend Xmas apart. Can you compromise? If things are still tense because dad's in the closet, perhaps you can share them. Kel mentioned an arrangement whereby her ex-husband has the kids Christmas Eve and then part of the 25th. Then the kids are back with her for the afternoon/evening.
​
3. You mentioned you and your wife were close after the separation. Would you advise not doing that? I'm just confused and feeling very much alone and sad. Like this is what I wanted but fear toughing it out.

​After any break up, I think it's perfectly normal to feel a sense of loss and perhaps even a bit of nostalgia. I spent 25 years with my ex-wife and I found it very hard to just flick a switch and never see her again. So we tried to remain close following our separation. Looking back this was a mistake. Our marriage was effectively dead and yet I kept haunting her house, like some gay zombie. In retrospect, my presence prevented her from truly grieving the end of our relationship. By being around, I slowed her healing process. The kids finally told us, "Enough! You're divorced so it's time to stop pretending." This got our attention.

​In closing, do what works best for you. I think I've always made my worst decisions when I was tired, angry, drunk or lonely. You no longer need to keep his secrets. So I'd encourage your ex-husband to come out to the kids so that you don't have to pretend everything is fine over the holidays. I'd also encourage the kids to reach out to dad to nudge him out of the closet. He probably won't so then it's time to focus on yourself. If you do have Christmas together in your home, enjoy yourself! Buy yourself a big bottle of champagne, let your ex-husband cook the meal, and then let he and the kids clean up. If you spend Christmas at his place, don't lift a finger! After all you've been through, you deserve to be treated like a queen for at least a day. I hope that helps in some way.

Last edited by Séan (November 23, 2016 7:28 am)

jk,
 As I was reading your options for Thanksgiving, I was thinking: have him come for dessert.  And then I read Sean's post advocating just that!  I think it's a win all around.  You don't have to ruin your own Thanksgiving by choking down your anger throughout the meal, you don't have to do the extra work of brunch, you can include the kids' father in a way that acknowledges that things are no longer the same, AND you can accommodate all your children's wishes with the compromise: those who want to spend time with him can have that opportunity, and those who don't want have to tolerate him for more than the time it takes for dessert and coffee.  
  I also like Kel's idea (on another thread, maybe?) of getting together in a neutral place like a movie theatre--everyone is "together," but the interaction is limited. Seat yourself at one end of the line and him at the other, and distribute the kids based on who wants/need to sit by Dad.   

Glad we agreed! JK please let us know how things go this weekend. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Sean and Jkpeace,

Thank you so much for answering my question Sean. My query was brief but the answer you provided was really spot on and helped me in my perspective. It is very helpful to have people who understand where I am coming from.

So we spent the morning of thanksgiving together but like jkpeace I felt all my anger bubbling to the surface I was so glad that he did not spend the rest of the day with us . In the evening we texted and then everything went south we argued over text messages the usual issues of his infidelity and stuff. Like jkpeace I am tired of arguing and not sure what is best for the kids. 

The kids are happy to spend the day with him. I find that I am not 100% ok with it seeing his face like nothing happened and thinking about his cheating but I am able to be civil. I'm not sure about future holidays.  

In any case I thank everybody in this forum for giving me a place to vent or else I might go crazy about all that's happening in my life .