jkpeace,
It's good you're acknowledging the anger and letting it out. These situations are so complex for us to try and understand, it has to be so much more so for our children. It's good that you feel you've more control regarding helping your children after the divorce, that is a good thing. You deserve to have good things to start happening from now on. There are days when I feel immense anger too, we have to feel anger, just hope we don't feel it every day. Hopefully your struggling son will find his own level shortly. I often think it must be so difficult with the age ranges you have, so many different levels of comprehension and  confusion. Mine are all in their 20s, two settled with their own partners, the other finishing off his studies - there are still different levels of confusion and discourse among them though. It's nice to see EX replacing STBX, that's definitely a step forward!

Thank you for sharing friends. I have a question for all of you so here goes. For those of you who have divorced a gay spouse, what is your response to the statement: "I know he's gay but we're going to stay together for the children." 

Thanks for posting JK. No I don't regret my decision to divorce. Had my wife and I continued to remain married post my coming out, I cringe to think of how damaging this would have been to my wife and three children. In my case, staying together "for the kids" was just a cover. It would have been staying together "because I was too scared to be on my own." Divorcing gave my ex-wife and children breathing room from me. And I was toxic. The end of our marriage resembled the many horror stories I've read here. I was emotionally abusive, a full-blown sex addict, and overtly dating another man while still married to her. I was a terrible father. God bless her she was prepared to continue but only if I committed to celibacy. I balked at that offer so we separated in December 2014 and divorced in September 2015. For a time, things were rough. We'd spent 25 years together, 14 of those married, and the final two years I was out of the closet. While divorce is never easy, we now have a shot at new relationships and happiness whereas together I have to accept we'd just drown while taking our kids down with us. Now things are better. We aren't friends but we are genuinely friendly and kind to each other. My eldest son, now 15, wants nothing to do with me whereas his younger sister (13) and brother (8) still want a relationship with me. This is nothing short of a miracle. This forum has truly saved me and I'm so thankful for all of the courageous straight spouses who have shared here. While I've posted here almost daily for the past months, I now feel the need to move on and start focusing on being a better dad and co-parent. This isn't goodbye and I'm happy to answer your questions, but it will likely be once or twice a week going forward. Be well my friends.   

Last edited by Séan (April 5, 2017 5:16 am)

Stay together because of the kids.

My answer was no and I had the opposite reaction in regards to my child. I didn't want to stay. For me it was how he spoke to me, and treated me; I was a doormat, nothing more than something to manipulate for my ex's wants and needs. My wants, desires, and dreams were irrelevant to my GIDEX. Yet, if our son could have witnessed us during our courtship he would have seen a loving couple. I left and got out of my marriage because of my son. I never wanted him to have a bad opinion about women, and my ex was a physical abuser as well as emotional and mental. I didn't want my son to grow up seeing that or thinking that was alright, that type of behavior was normal. I knew it wasn't normal and didn't want my son to grow up thinking that was normal.  

My father didn't treat my mother that way. My father never raised his voice or his hand to my mom ever in my life. Growing up with this type of example of what a marriage truly should be is what I wanted my son to see. I've been divorced for over 30 years and still can't believe that I married someone like my ex who was/still is a GID or Bi-sexual. I'm still unsure at this point which one it is and after all of this time I guess it doesn't matter.  

At least my son got to see on a daily basis how a man is to treat and respect his wife and family. My son witnessed his grandparents love and respect for each other and their joking teasing and sweet kisses. He never had that with myself and his father. In hindsight, it would have been impossible to set this example.

His father is now back in his life and our son has no idea that is father is a GID and I've already started to hear some of his dad's misogynist attitude toward women. I immediately told my son to be careful on listening to his dad about such things, given his track record. Especially taking his father's advice in regards to his own marriage. Unfortunately, my father has passed on isn't here to help give advice to my son on such matters. I always told my son to listen to his grandfather if he had questions he didn't want to ask me then go to his grandfather for advice. So, given where we're all at today, I'm worried about my EX being back in my son's life. 

 

Thank you for sharing Emerald. And thank you Foolme, JK, and others for your kind messages. In response to Emerald's recent post:

1. If you have a daughter, how do you think you'd feel if she dated or married a possible gay husband?

I have a daughter and it would be terrible. I'd feel like a failure if my daughter married a gay husband and spent years or even decades suffering abuse and neglect.  

2. What do you think your reaction might be if you suspect it being a possibility? And are more LGBT speaking out on these types of issues facing their own kids in these types of situations? 

​I think gay/straight marriages are the dirty little secret of our community. So no I don't believe many are speaking out about them. That's why a gay man like me is posting on this forum I guess. I don't speak for the entire LGBTQ community, but I'm happy to share my own experience. I feel there is greater acceptance of gays/lesbians...despite a curent US administration trying to re-set gay rights back to the 1950s. Shout out to VP Mike Pence. I recently read a poll that 20% of millennials (aged 18-34) identify as LGBTQ (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/20-percent-millennials-lgbtq-glaad-study_us_58dd140be4b05eae031d8f9c). I hope that gay/straight marriages will go the way of the dinosaurs: meaning extinct. To answer your question, the LGBTQ community isn't speaking about gay/straight marriages because the narrative has moved on to, "These marriages simply shouldn't happen." The message is one of acceptance, rather than continuing to deny our perfectly natural attraction to the same sex.  

I think the best thing I can do for my children is reinforce the narrative that if they are gay, bisexual or questioning, this is completely normal and acceptable. Far from indoctrinating or "turning" my children, I just tell them I love them for who they are and that I'm here for them. I've also apologized to the kids, their mother, and their mother's entire family. I'm encouraged to read so many straight spouses share here that they are not homophobic, despite the abuse they've suffered at the hands of gay-in-denial spouses. This is nothing short of a miracle. I believe this shows how far acceptance has come, even in the past few years. It also demonstrates how destructive some religions can be by denying gay people exist, promoting the false narrative of conversion therapy, or actively persecuting gay people. These actions force people into the closet and will serve only to perpetuate gay/straight marriages.

​During my short time in the dark/dirty hook up world of Grindr (a gay sex app), gay saunas, and anonymous sex, something struck me: most of the men hooking up on the down low were older. I'd say they were mostly 50+ years old. And most of the gay-in-denial husbands described here are also 50+. The older they are, I believe, the deeper the denial. I don't have Craigslist where I live but I did cruise some CL ads one time when visiting with my parents. Almost every post was for a 50+ year old man who described himself as "discreet" which is just a euphemism for "closeted." How sad, I thought, that gay people have to live in the shadows. That was me not too long ago and I'd never go back into my closet.   

​I came out to my (then) wife in May 2012. It's taken me five long years to accept who I am and accept that the best I could do in the circumstances was: own it; come out; separate; divorce; and be the best provider/co-parent possible. Yes there will be challenges following my divorce, but I plan to face them honestly, no longer hiding my sexuality. I recently joined a gay rugby team in my area. It's been a game changer for me. I can't tell you how positive it was for me to hang out with a bunch of friendly, athletic, gay guys who have absolutely no issues with their sexuality. None whatsoever. Over beers after practice, we just talked about upcoming practices, relationships, work etc. That's progress and that's what I want my children to understand. While I struggled with my sexuality, they no longer have to.

​I hope that helps Emerald. If not, please feel free to write again.

Last edited by Séan (April 7, 2017 6:48 am)