Hi JK. In reply:

Q: "My husband does Not deny it.  He was GID, but he isn't, now.  Am I misunderstanding you? Are you saying that if the spouse is not in denial, there is hope for the marriage?​"

​A: That's a very good question. I don't believe gay/straight marriages can work. Why? Because they're largely broken - meaning sexless, conflict-ridden, or highly abusive - BEFORE the gay thing is finally exposed. In my opinion, a gay husband secretly wants his wife to be a man and a straight wife truly wants (and deserves) a heterosexual husband who loves and desires her. Given what you've shared JK, I think you can successfully co-parent with your husband because you've forced him to own his sh*t. If I remember correctly, despite his continued attempts to deny, manipulate, come back home etc. you've simply repeated, "I know you're gay" over and over again to your ex-husband. It's not up for debate even in the face of his continued denials. This has forced him to fully accept his homosexuality, accept the consequences, and as I wrote in a previous post I believe his depression is the natural result of this realization. Thanks to you, he's no longer gay-in-denial but this doesn't mean you can remain married in my opinion. It simply means you can have a workable relationship because he's not a full-blown toxic narcissist.

​I hope I've answered your question. If not, please feel free to write again.  

Last edited by Séan (February 15, 2017 9:58 am)

Thank you for sharing Rob. You wrote:

"But that said Sean..  I'm left now with realizing she was this sick gay narcissist and yeah.. things clearly weren't my fault.. but now I'm having problems adjusting to a normal life. I feel incredibly lonely sometimes.   I sometimes don't know what to do as I spent so many years catering to my ex. I have major trust issues, PTSD I guess. I still need to process this some and figure out how to move on completely."

I'm so sorry you're still hurting and yes it does sound a lot like post-traumatic stress. While in a relationship, the gay narcissistic spouse and straight (empath) spouse are locked in an unhealthy embrace. The narcissist spouse slowly projects his/her increasing self-hatred (for being gay-in-denial) on the straight spouse. The straight spouse feels it's his/her role to protect and heal the gay-in-denial partner. This often means the straight spouse goes to even greater lengths to save their gay partner and broken marriage. It's a downward spiral really. As you described, the straight spouse gets to a point where he/she can no longer endure the emotional abuse. I believe that's when the straight spouse starts looking online for answers and eventually posts here. ​Even a broken marriage is still a relationship so I understand your loneliness...particularly around holidays like Valentine's Day. Hopefully time will heal your wounds as it has for so many other members who post here. Thanks again Rob. 

Last edited by Séan (February 16, 2017 5:40 pm)

Thanks for writing Jen and Vicky. In response to your question: "Sean, and important question for you, as an empath do I have certain traits that drew a narcissistic GID man to target me or could this have happened to any woman?" I don't know. From what I've read, narcissists and co-dependents/empaths often form relationships because they have complimentary personality types. They both live for the same person: the narcissist. But I don't think any straight spouse would be interested in an abusive, sexless, and adulterous relationship. I think the gay-in-denial narcissism develops along the lines of addictions like alcoholism; meaning it seems to worsen over time. As I wrote in a previous post, the narcissist becomes more abusive and self-centred which forces the empath spouse to try even harder to make the relationship work. But I don't think any of us signed up for heartache and broken marriages. So what's my point? Jen I think it shows an incredible level of self-awareness that you are focusing on yourself and your own health. You've come a long way in a short period of time. My personal opinion is that straight spouses haven't done anything wrong by trying to save their marriages and families. You're not broken, we are. The fault lies squarely with gay husbands like me who push our partners to the breaking point with our lies, cheating, and manipulations. As Vicky suggested, I believe you should create your own thread while you work through separation and divorce. I'm sure a lot of forum members would learn a great deal from your journey. Thanks again to both of you for sharing.  

Last edited by Séan (February 17, 2017 1:17 am)

Thanks for writing Lostgirl. In reply:

1. It seems from most of your answers you believe there aren't many bisexual married men that come out.  The bisexuality is essentially a stepping stone to realizing you are gay. 

When a straight wife confronts her husband with proof of same-sex cheating, she has every right to be skeptical when he suddenly claims, "I'm bisexual."

2. I am not actually saying you think bisexuality doesn't exist, but that you are seeing signs that most of us ladies are either dealing with gay men or GMID. 

I do believe bisexuals and bisexuality exist. However, I'd urge straight wives to look at the facts when their husband claims to be bisexual. Here are some red flags when you hear, "I'm bisexual":

​a. Did he discuss his bisexuality before you were married, or only when he was caught cheating?
​b. If he's truly bisexual, then he likely had affairs with both men and women.
​c. If he is attracted to both men and women, you likely still had sex even while he was cheating.

​This is what I believe: if your husband has a history of lies and manipulations, never told you he was attracted to men until caught cheating, and only cheated with other men, you have every right to be skeptical if he's now claiming "I'm bisexual." Putting aside any questions regarding sexuality, a marriage is likely in trouble if one of the spouses is cheating, lying about it, and emotionally abusing his/her partner. I've rarely read about couples with one (newly) bisexual spouse and one straight spouse claiming weeks and months later, "Learning my husband was bisexual really improved our relationship. It was like a new beginning!" What I have read were husbands playing the bisexual card to manufacture false hope that he's still attracted to his straight wife when in fact he was simply gay-in-denial. So yes it's possible he's bisexual, however it's more likely he's trying to find ways to remain married to a woman and thereby hide his sexuality. The biggest priority for a gay-in-denial husband is continuing to hide his sexuality and he'll do anything to accompish that...including lies that he's bisexual.    

​3. ​When your wife wanted to stay together for the kids, did you consider it at all? 

​Yes. We tried to make it work for about 18 months. It didn't go well and we were miserable.

4. I mean it's always easier to stay with what's comfortable and what you know, instead of the unknown.  Did you every think her a fool, pathetic and clueless? 

​I agree that it's easier to try again and again to make the relationship work. It's very scary to break up and live the unknown. No I never thought of my (then) wife as a fool, pathetic, or clueless.

5. Harsh words I know but I'd truly like to know if our heartbreak was something you understood or our weakness for hoping. 

​I've been posting here for a few months and now have a better understanding of my ex-wife's heartbreak. Unfortunately, near the end of our marriage, I was only interested in myself and my own self-gratification through things like sex for example. I guess we stayed together for 18 months following my coming out for two reasons: fear and the hope that things would somehow miraculously improve.

​I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to post again.  

Last edited by Séan (February 18, 2017 8:36 am)

Last week went on a family trip to Orlando. It was a great trip, until I wanted to stay out and  have a few beers at the hotel lobby. Ithe plan was we were all going to. Then I did and I was shamned, and verbally abused for staying out drinking a few hours. I didn't answer my husbands texts, so of course that set him off.