He's not upset because you won't have sex with him.  He's upset because YOU are in control of something.  He doesn't like that - HE wants to be in control of everything.  He's relying on sex to keep you attached to him, and without that, he's not sure he can keep you.  This is all about him and what he wants, and his loss of control.  NOTHING else.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself "Am I happy?  Is this the marriage I want?  Do I truly see things changing to the point where I could be HAPPY happy (not just a lack of misery)?"  If not, labeling the gay doesn't matter.  I didn't know mine was for sure gay when I asked for a divorce.  I had little to no evidence.  All I knew is that I'd been miserable for a long time, and vocal about it.  And he either couldn't or wouldn't change.  It doesn't matter what the reason is after a decade of that bullshit.  I wanted out.  And I didn't realize how oppressed I'd been until I got happy again.

Kel

From a recent post:

"My husband and I have been married twenty one years.  We have three children and up until last June, I thought I was married to the worlds most devoted husband.  Last June, he forgot his cell phone when leaving for work on the kitchen table.  He received an email and I opened it, assuming it was from his employer.  Instead, I discovered that he had been responding to craigslist ads.  After confronting him, he admitted to having had sexual relations with multiple men over the last few years.  I found over 300 craigslist posts in two separate email accounts that I didn't know existed. I have so many different emotions that I am living with...He is adamant that he is not attracted to men and that is was purely for his own sexual gratification.  I want so badly for my marriage to work but my heart and my head are saying two different things. It doesn't make sense to me.  I think I would understand more if he could admit to being bisexual, but he tells me every day how much he loves me, how he's so attracted to me and that he just simply made a mistake."

And she asked two questions:

1. Is it possible for a "happily" married man to seek sexual encounters with other men and say it was purely for selfish reasons and that he now realizes that he "had what he always wanted right in front of him the whole time."

When facing tough questions like this, I try to separate myself from my emotions by using a different person or a different example. Imagine a working wife who forgets her cellphone on the kitchen table as she leaves for work. Her husband finds an email from a Craigslist ad referencing woman-with-women sex. Then he finds proof of 300+ similar Craigslist messages. She reluctantly admits to having sex with 30+ women. Is this woman heterosexual? The answer is no. If heterosexual, the cheating spouse would have affairs with opposite-sex partners. If the spouse is bisexual, she'd have affairs with both men and women...probably an equal number of both. If, however, the spouse is gay, he/she would have affairs with exclusively same-sex partners.  

2. How can a man be sexually involved with multiple men (he admits to probably over thirty) over the course of a few years and say that he doesn't have feelings for men?  Is my head in the sand?

​The brave woman (jlwilliams)[/url] who wrote this is in shock. I'd encourage everyone reading this to post on [url=http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/profile.php?id=317]jlwilliams thread or perhaps reach out to her via private message. Far from having her head in the sand, she's simply grappling with opposing and confusing facts: namely a husband who has had sex with 30+ men (and likely more) while also claiming to be heterosexual. ​Her post is another example of a common pattern in gay/straight marriages: discovery; shock; confrontation; and the gay-in-denial husband's feeble attempts to explain away his exclusively gay affairs. 

Thanks for reading friends.   

Last edited by Séan (February 9, 2017 8:20 am)

Thank you Jen and Rob for sharing. JenS you're a wonderful example of a straight spouse who has successfully gotten off the crazy merry-go-round relationship with a gay-in-denial narcissistic husband. (If you're new to the forum, most spouses who deny the are gay while having same-sex affairs have some form of narcissistic personality disorder.) Once you see his lies, manipulations, and crazy-making for what they are, namely narcissistic bullsh*t, it's impossible to go back. Once off his ride, the spinning stops and you start to see things more clearly.  Your post is so helpful because you now see him for who he truly is from the beginning of your relationship, rather than who you always wanted him to be. I believe this is a huge step forward and applaud you for it. While I talk a big game in my posts these days, there was a time when I too thought I could stay married to my straight wife while having a long-term affair with another man. I think it's common for both gay and straight spouses to experience the various stages of grief as the myth about our marriages dies: denial, anger, shock, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Thanks for being so courageous Jen.        

Trying to not use names, so have used "my ex" or "her husband" sorry for any confusion. I and my ex's current wife are wondering whether her husband is gay. Here is the situation...He acts like he likes sex, and then once you're married it stops. His current wife says he has very low testosterone, for which he once took injections. They are currently in counseling and she texts me every so often, he is a sociopath, pathological liar...and she is struggling with all of that as she just figured it all out. (I'm not just saying that because he is my ex, lol.) Anyway, I told her about how after we divorced he moved out of state and hung around several gay men, which I thought was odd because he bashed homosexuals while we were married. I had heard rumors one of the guys lived with him for awhile, but told his current wife I had no idea. She dug more, and contacted the guy he supposedly lived with, which my ex denied. (She found his number still on his phone...and this was 5 years ago.) They spoke over the phone and he told her to ask her husband, so she explained that he lies and that is why she contacted him. He then asked to speak to her husband and she brought the phone to him and put it on speaker. The guy was gay and confirmed he stayed with her husband a few times. He told her nothing sexual happened, but he did crawl into bed with her husband after a party (they had lots of parties at his house he said). He said her husband turned him down and that was it. His current wife thinks that means everything is fine, I think it sounds very suspicious and that the guy may be covering for him. Why wouldn't he just answer the question rather than ask to speak to him? I think she is missing the context around the whole situation. Maybe it was totally innocent. I'm looking for other opinions. Maybe asexual, maybe gay, bi, low testosterone...no idea. Ideas are appreciated.

This is from another forum. It's one of the best summaries of narcissistic personality disorder (also referred to as "NPD"). If you're new to the forum, a lot of this thread discusses gay-in-denial husbands and how they develop full-blown NPD to manage the overwhelming shame of being in the closet while married to straight spouses.

"Imagine a very simple scenario where we are walking and I step on your foot. You say "Ow!" which alerts me to the fact of what I did... We keep walking, and it happens again!... The first time you could dismiss it as an accident with the assumption that I have some awareness and will avoid doing it again, but the 2nd time you have to be more critical, and confront me: "Stop stepping on my foot". You start to assume either I'm wilfully unaware, or purposefully stepping on you...

If I was empathetic, I would say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to, I won't do it again, are you OK?" Which shows an ability to validate your experience, acknowledge responsibility for stepping on your foot, and express the "accidental" aspect to show it wasn't intent - all of which restores trust. The key part of this is that I don't feel any threat to my sense of self for having been absent minded, am able to take responsibility and put a priority on addressing the validity of your confrontation.

On the other hand if I was narcissistic, I might say "Sorry" but it would be with some disdain or annoyance... "You're SO sensitive! Why do you keep walking in front of me!?" All of which deflects responsibility and sets the tone of you being the aggressor, and I am the victim... the REASON is a fragile ego FEELS threatened when having to accept responsibility even for unintended behaviour - I didn't INTEND to step on your foot, so why am I to blame?? My intentions were perfect, YOU are being irrational...

The reason for that, I believe, comes down to a person's base instincts. This is my new very simplified theory: there is a general dividing line between empathetic people, and sociopathic/narcissistic people. Empathetic people instinctively VALUE trust and bonds with others over everything else. Any behaviour that demonstrates trust is considered "good", and vulnerabilities are central to that - if I see that you are sensitive to having your foot stepped on, I instinctively demonstrate awareness and respect for your vulnerability, and admit my mistake as my vulnerability, and hopefully that establishes trust.

Sociopathic/narcissistic people instinctively VALUE dominance because they don't feel trust. Any behaviour that establishes dominance and avoids vulnerability is considered "good". If you showed your "weakness" of having your foot stepped on, that's "irrational" because you're setting yourself up. If I admit to being wrong stepping on your foot (which you put right in front of me), I'm making myself vulnerable, and that goes against every instinct I have... my value system defines "truth" as whatever puts me in the better power position - dominance - vs what builds the most "trust"... So I say, "it's your fault, and why are you attacking me with your accusations? I'M THE VICTIM HERE!" Think of all the scenarios with people like this, and I'm willing to bet you see a pattern similar...There's a really good book called The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout. She describes all sorts of real life examples where people claim victim status, and in fact she states, "When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for your pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person's forehead as you will ever be given."

​Here are some examples of how a gay-in-denial narcissist is both aggressor and yet victim:  

​1. Refusing to have sex with his straight wife while bizarrely blaming her for his lack of interest in sex. He thinks: "I'm the victim here" when truly he's not interested in sex with women because he's gay.

​2. Doesn't apologize for watching gay porn and explains he needs it because she isn't attractive enough, "I'm watching it for you" or some other bullsh*t story. He thinks: "I'm the real victim here" when in truth is he's watching gay porn because he's gay.  

​3. Blames his cheating/infidelity or Craigslist hookups on childhood abuse which is often a complete lie. It's usually along the lines of, "I have sex with men because my uncle molested me." He thinks: "I'm the real victim here" when truly he's hooked up with countless men while actively hiding it from his wife.

​Narcissists are incapable of feeling empathy for others. This simply means understanding another human being's emotions and pain. When you challenge your gay-in-denial husband, listen very carefully for an honest apology. If he admits he's gay, acknowledges your pain, and sincerely apologizes, he's an emotionally healthy person. If however he continues to deny his homosexuality in the face of overwhelming evidence, he deflects or blames his wife, and only sees himself as the victim, he's a narcissist and you can't help him.

​I hope that helps my friends.