Thank you for writing Josephine and Diff. In response to Josephine's post: 

1. I have a question.  My children, except one, don't cut their Dad much slack in the way he has treated us.   

What exactly did he do? 

2. Should I rely on their perceptions when I try to decide how much culpability my Former Husband has in the sh:t show our family became. 

How was your family a sh*t show? Can you be more specific, perhaps with examples? 

3. I tend to want to consider how My Former Husband felt when we had children.  My sons want to consider how he acted during their growing up years.  The situation is complicated by the fact that my Former Husband developed a slow growing brain tumor during their teen years. 

I've taken the liberty of reading some of your former posts, however, I'll need more background on what exactly happened, and perhaps some specific questions, before I can offer any opinions/assistance. If I'm reading your posts correctly, your recently discovered that your departed husband was a closeted homosexual. What proof did you find?  

4. It eventually killed him and I discovered his "secret" recently.

For those who are just reading this, your husband recently died of a brain tumour and I believe you found evidence on his computer that he was a closeted homosexual. 

If possible, please provide more information and a list of specific questions so that I can help my friend. Be well! 

Diff I guess wrote:

Josephine wrote:

I have a question.  My children, except one, don't cut their Dad much slack in the way he has treated us.    Should I rely on their perceptions when I try to decide how much culpability my Former Husband has in the sh:t show our family became.  I tend to want to consider how My Former Husband felt when we had children.  My sons want to consider how he acted during their growing up years.  The situation is complicated by the fact that my Former Husband developed a slow growing brain tumor during their teen years.  It eventually killed him and I discovered his "secret" recently.

I wish I could give you help and clarity. I can't and I don't think anyone can. Brain Tumors can affect all aspects of a person's personality(Which in theory includes sexuality.).  In addition major illness can have some terrible effects esp. ones that can cause death strains upon family. They can also cause a person to be less than a good or nice person to be around. It can cause people to lash out.

I can sometimes give insight into what a gay husband might be doing but this situation is so far beyond my range of experience that I can't. What I can tell you is that it could help to find support in your faith or to find some grief therapy(I suspect that finding out  a terrible secret after death might not be as uncommon as you think).   It also might help to write about it.  For better or for worse life sometimes gives us situations that are simply unknowable and your is a situation that is one far more personal and unknowable than most.  This storm will pass in time and things will go on in new, sometimes joyous  and unexpected ways as the old saying goes hold on. 

Thank you, Diff!  I appreciate your support! I feel that this might be an unknowable situation!  I so hope that you are right and there will be some joy after all this.  I would just like to find someone who is genuine in their desires.  I don't hate my former husband but I think he lied to himself more than he did to me.  I wish he had been able to confide in me but I understand that because of his lies we never got to that level of trust.  I am starting to understand that he bears the responsibility for this.  I am not trying to defend him to our sons anymore.  I did not lie to him and I will not take responsibly for his lies!

Thank you for posting Josephine. In reply: 

1. "What exactly did he do?" He became very distant and acted as if we didn't matter.  He became very OCD and tried to make us live under his rules.  He was nasty to us in pointing out our flaws.  He would do anything for his friends but couldn't even be bothered to show up at family events.  He left us two separate times for 6 months each.  During that years worth of time he only invited our children to visit once and spent the whole time on the computer.

What an *sshole. This sounds like someone with a self-hating personality disorder. 

2. "How was your family a sh*t show? Can you be more specific, perhaps with examples?" For the first ten years of our marriage we were happy.  He was a good, attentive husband and father.  After about ten years he pulled away from us, slowly.  I don't know how to give specific examples but it was like our family slowly died.  During our sons teen years, when they needed a Dad , they got nothing!  We (me and our sons) developed weight problems because we were so unhappy.  Then when we all started to lose weight and get in shape he made many hurtful comments that undermined us.  Also after those first happy years he started spending compulsively , lying about it and put the family into so much debt that we could barely pay the bills.  When I asked him why he was spending so much he said he could not control his "urges".  I believe that was definitely caused by the brain tumor.  Is it possible that if he could not control his "urges" towards men too?  

Again, what an *sshole. Just to be clear, being gay isn't an "urge" nor "choice." We are born gay, just like heterosexuals. Other than your husband's six-month family-free sabbaticals, I haven't read anything to suggest he was closeted or gay-in-denial.   

3. "I've taken the liberty of reading some of your former posts, however, I'll need more background on what exactly happened, and perhaps some specific questions, before I can offer any opinions/assistance. If I'm reading your posts correctly, your recently discovered that your departed husband was a closeted homosexual. What proof did you find?" I have been searching our computer to try to make sense out of what happened.  I suspected him of having an affair with a woman.  I found a receipt for a hotel room, in his car, that had a woman's name on it.  The dates were for a period of time right after he left for the second time. 

Understood. So it appears he was cheating with another woman. 

4. I found that 3 months before he was diagnosed with the brain tumor.  I asked him many times to come clean about what had been going on with other women.  He wouldn't tell me much at all.  I took care of him for ten years and he passed away about 7 months ago.  Then I started searching our computer for clues.  I should have started looking ten years ago but I didn't have the emotional energy to. 

Understandable. 

5. He was very good at covering his tracks but he missed erasing one thing.  He had written a message to a Woman friend about a date he had with a man.  It told her all about the date but said that he didn't think it was a "love match"  He erased the message but forgot to erase the draft.  I was shocked to read this!   Now I wonder if he fooled me all along.  How could we have such a happy beginning if he was lying all along?  I guess my main question is was my whole life a lie?

So you found a draft email referencing a date with another man. Got it. With regards to your questions, the common arc in most gay/straight marriages is as follows: 

- 20s: happy marriage, but with some red flags
- Early 30s: kids arrive and sex becomes more infrequent. He starts living a gay life online. 
- Late 30s: his gay tendencies start popping up online, in chats, or he starts cheating
- Early 40s: the couple no longer has sex and he gets caught cheating
- Mid 40s: he comes out as gay, bisexual, or gets caught cheating again. 

So what's my point? Most closeted gay men like me can pretend to be straight, both in and out of the bedroom, in their 20s and early 30s. However, once I'd started watching gay porn that effectively killed any attraction I felt towards women.  

6. Also, one of the things I am unsure of is this---I know he loved me when we got married.  I know that because his love felt real and his actions matched those feelings.  When He started pulling away his actions no longer matched his words.  It felt like we were engaged in a battle.  I was trying to hold on to the love and family we had.  He was trying to disengage from us. 

This was my experience as a closted gay man. I made my ex-wife and children feel like they were somehow holding me back...although I didn't admit to myself nor tell them from what exactly. 

7. I don't know how much of that was from his natural attraction to men and how much of it was the brain tumor. 

While I'm not a neuroscientist nor brain surgeon, I don't think his brain tumour made him gay. 

8. I do give him grace and try to be understanding when I think of the fact that he had a golf-ball sized tumor.  If most of it was because he was gay to start with I would give him less grace. 

Again, his brain tumour didn't change his sexual orientation. If you ask any gay person who has been out for years and appears happy/well adjusted, they will tell you they were born gay. Stating that a tumour made him gay would be similar to thinking his brain tumour made him change his language, accent, or nationality. We are who we are, with or without a tumour.  

9. I know that sounds harsh but noone should marry someone of the opposite sex when they desire the same sex.  This is cruel. 

100% agree. 

10. I thought for years that I was the problem in our relationship because I always wanted more than he gave me.  Not sex, per sie, but more affection, compliments, touch, admiration, fun!  I gave all of that to him but he found it hard to reciprocate.  His big lie to me changed who I was!  I was 16 when I met him and he was 21.  I was happy and confident and had friends.  Now I am 57, unhappy, insecure and wonder if I have ever had real sex.  I'd like to just go out and sleep with someone who is straight and see if there is a difference.  I have to believe there is because isn't that what we all want?  To be wanted?  How could he decide that he was enough for me?  If he didn't even want someone of my sex?  I am so angry and confused!  I know that when we had our children they were concieved in love but his lie about himself destroyed his soul!  Why do people lie and think it will have no repercussions? 

Well said! I think you should try sex with a straight man. Most straight wives I've exchanged with over the years have very much enjoyed it. Be well! 

Hey Sean,
I've been reading through these posts and I'm only on page 51. I've written to you before and asked about my boyfriend. I can't seem to find how to get to my posts so I'm not sure if I'm asking the same questions because it was about 1.5 years ago. Ugh. He's 33 and I'm 37. We aren't married and have no children together. I have 2 of my own. Well, he finally confessed 6 months ago to being bisexual. As I've posted before, I was looking for answers if he was gay or bisexual. I think he knew I knew and confessed. I found tons of transexual porn and subscriptions on his phone. I found text messages from a former friend that he used to spend a lot of time with where he called him sexy. I told you about his coworker and how that relationship was weird and how he moved him in etc... He now lives with me and has for past 2 years I'd say. So that was a long time ago. Well since he's told me he's bisexual we haven't had sex. Not because he's bisexual but because of the lies. I feel like there's so much more to this story and he may be gay. For 6 months now I won't engage in sex with him, and he really hasn't cared. He tries sometimes and makes comments about wanting to have sex with me and on my appearance but says it's really hurting him were not having sex and it's really deteriorating our relationship. We've been to 3 couples counselors and none of them have understood or helped us because I think he's cheating, and he is in denial about it. I found grindr on his phone and he said it was from 2021 when we broke up for a couple weeks, but I go on grindr now and there is someone 1 foot away from me when were at home alone and no one else is there. Hmmm couldn't be him lol. So, I think he's still on grindr and messing around with men. He's into BDSM as I've said before and comes home with bruises on his arms sort of like a handprint that's been around his upper arm and says it's from playing basketball. He's had rug burn type marks on his shins and says it's from lifting, although he doesn't lift anything strenuous at the gym. I'm at my wits end Sean. I'm so over this. Every day he wants to talk but it's always the same thing. "I'm sorry I was sexting people to do BDSM stuff, I'm sorry i didn't tell you about my sexuality," but comes home with another bruise like a fingerprint and tries to hide these marks but lies and says it's from lifting or basketball. I know this isn't true. I need a therapist because as you've told these other women I'm done. I'm done being angry and I want a therapist to work on myself. The last one we had tried to transition us out of our relationship because she said I don't trust him and he's saying he's doing nothing wrong so there isn't much she can do. So were at a standstill. What do you think Sean? I'm so desperate to find answers or some kind of insight and if you could do you know of any therapist I can go to in Ohio or on telehealth that can deal with my situation and betrayal trauma? He doesn't want to go to couples therapy anymore so that's that. I'm at a point where I'm just going to work on myself and act like were roommates, I guess. I'm not budging until he admits to himself and me what he's doing, or I might give him an ultimatum like you said. I think your gay and I'm done because he may never tell me. Sorry, this is so scrambled. I'm tired. Thank you Sean and I appreciate you taking the time out to do this. You really have helped me so much. More than you know! 

Hey Sean,
Thanks, I figured out how to look at my posts now. We haven't had sex in about 3-6 months as I won't have sex with him because I'm scared I'll catch something. If he is having sexual relations behind my back which we both agree he is. Like I said when you go on the Grindr app it tells you how many feet a person is next to you. When I'm at home with just him, it always says 1 foot away but he denies still having Grindr. At this point I think it's an addiction and when men get on Grindr it's very hard to get off. They get validation, self-confidence boost, etc..Ya, the bruises are ridiculous. Unless he's playing basketball and someone is squeezing his arm for longer than 10 minutes you don't get a bruise that looks like a hand print around your upper and lower arms from playing basketball. Especially when he hides them because he says I'll say he was cheating. Lol. Have you ever had men that want to do this to you? I don't understand how that can make you aroused? He likes to be called names too. Like B*tch, slut etc. If you could further explain the thought process as to why someone would like that sexually that would be great?
I tried calling Our Path and had to leave a message. Do you have any websites I can refer to for counseling/therapy for betrayal trauma?
Another question, I'm not sure if you've answered this before but do you think an individuals sexual arousal template can be opened when they watch gay porn and that's why they turn gay. I only say this because my boyfriend says his attraction to transexuals didn't develop until he was 18-19 years old. He's told me he's messed around with 4 transsexuals as well but says he isn't attracted to men just transexuals because they are women. Lol. but I see him checking out men in public. lol I'm laughing because I'm so over this shit. You are right straight spouses go through the investigation stage, anger, grief, then their just over it. I'm at the last stage. I'll update you.
I'm going to have to really sit and think about your questions but I'll get back to you Sean. Again, thank you for taking the time out of your day to answer these questions. We all appreciate you tremendously.