Sean -I've listened to both Podcasts! Thank you.

I have been in this cycle to save my marriage for a couple of years because my gay husband is a charmer. Darnit, I should've known something was up when he and all of his friends are in the Arts. He can also dress me better than I can. His close friends are gay and there were more clear signs. But somehow I just thought he was just a metrosexual man ( I feel naïve lol).  Somehow he has gotten everything he wanted in the last couple of years when he manipulated his way into 'allowing' me to have an open relationship. I was starved and went into the bakery! I was afraid of what the impact of a divorce would have on our children. This is not the path that I wanted, but I believe we will be ok.  I have retained a lawyer to end the marriage. You are so right that it's hard to compete with someone who has spent over 40 years masking his true identity. I'm not even going to try - my job is to get out!  He's concerned about his image so I am hopeful we can amicably separate and co-parent our children. I know it sounds crazy - but I hope he can accept and love himself enough to come out of the closet.  As a result of his internal issues, I have become collateral damage. I can't fix him but I can take control of my healing process and focus on getting out! 

Thank you Sean

The things that’s getting me the most is the not knowing. I don’t know if he had sex with a man at the sauna. He claims it was just a massage but the man got a little “touchy feely” around my husband private areas and it apparently made him feel sick, he froze and didn’t know what to do. He then said he hates gay because they always seem to come on to him. Do you think this is because they can see he’s a closeted gay? Do gay men come on to straight men?

Last night he all over again told me everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship, to which I asked him “is anything your fault, like ANY of it? He said yes BUT, and then proceeded to tell me basically how it’s my fault. His wrongdoings always are my fault. He only did it because I said or did X,Y,Z.

I mentioned to him that I find it hard to trust him when he’s point blank told me there’s something he’s keeping from me because he doesn’t trust me! He told me that I didn’t need to bring that up and why am I still even thinking about that. We are supposed to be moving forward. HOW? He expects me to trust him KNOWING he’s hiding something. And he’s even got the audacity to look me in the eyes and say “I’m not going to tell you because I don’t trust YOU, but please trust me enough to set up business with me and rely on me financially”
I mean, does he actually think I’m a total pushover!

I forgot to add in my first post, the day I walked in on him masturbating and he said “how do you know i was watching a man?” We had a massive argument and the police were called by a passer by. He was arrested for domestic violence because he’d pushed me, he didn’t lay his hands on me but he used his chest to force me backwards. A few hours later his mother called me and said “my son is suicidal because he had a w*nk, everybody does this why are you bothered”
Now I know most people men and women please themselves and I have no problem with that. But it’s very unusual for him to make the statement “well how do you know it weren’t a man”
I told his mother maybe he’s gay and she said WHAT! No way!

Now I think if he’s gay in denial, wouldn’t his parents have an inkling? It was them who raised him (his mother mainly) after all and as his parents, surely they would have noticed when he was growing up that he may be gay. My cousin is lesbian and she came out at 14 to me but I know her mum always had an idea that she was not straight. I think as parents we just know. So I’m wondering if my husbands mother actually knows and maybe I’m one of the only ones kept in the dark about this.

He also keeps telling me how although his dad was abusive and a lying cheater, he’s grateful he was still around for most of his childhood. This to me seems like his own way of validating his own behaviour and wanting to stay in the relationship for the children’s sake.

Is it possible that he THOUGHT he was straight when he met me? Like did he ever love me? I’m struggling to believe he never loved me because I FELT so loved in the earlier years of our relationship. It’s only this past year or so I’ve noticed him change towards me. But he says he changed towards me because he didn’t feel loved since we’ve had children.

It went like this -
-Thing were pretty good but he’d have the occasional blow up which I put down to his angry abusive father. Monkey see, monkey do.
-I got fed up of his angry outbursts and kind of disconnected emotionally. He would initiate sex but my mind wasn’t in it. Because I didn’t feel safe anymore.
-he started telling me he didn’t feel loved since we’ve had children. That he now has ED because we don’t have enough sex, or the sex is boring. Said he was depressed and suicidal and that he hated himself. 
-started taking Cialis for ED then I noticed he was no longer initiating. Said he Felt 21 again, was acting like a love struck teenager.
-he fell out with his dad, who is a definite narcissist. This really affected my husband I believe.
- we had a fight and broke up yet again, this time I was not having his BS. I think he knew I’d had enough but somehow he managed to talk me down and came back home.
-we had a short period of loads of sex and affection. Was all over each other.
-I noticed him pulling away and I got suspicious of him cheating. He claimed depression again.
-I confronted him, he told me I was crazy.
- he told me “I don’t know if I’m attracted to you anymore”
-I pulled back abit because I FELT unattractive because that’s what he told me. I cried and he couldn’t offer a hug or sympathy, just told me to pull myself together and get over it. NO empathy whatsoever. I remember feeling so broken because my man wasn’t attracted to me and could not even console me when I was hurt by his comment.
-one night we were at a family BBQ and the men were talking about foot long sausages in a rude way. My husband got very awkward and red raced. That night when we got home he threw a massive tantrum, sat on the floor crying with his head in his hand saying he hated himself. I was panicked and asking hun WHY? He told me to just F Off and leave him alone. So I did. I went to bed and the next day it was like nothing had happened. I can’t get over that night. He looked so broken. I never seen him like that before.
-sauna day came - he was “sexually assaulted”
-we broke up. Then got back together.
- saw him masturbating and he said “how do you know it weren’t a man”
-we fought and he was arrested.
- we broke up, got back together a week later.

Now he just keeps saying his head is in a spin, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s worried he could have cancer or kidney problems. He’s constipated. May have IBS. just a string of problems but nothing ever about his sexuality. I am SO confused it’s taking up all my brain space.

I apologise for my bad writing, it’s abit all over the place but I just wanted to come back and share some more. You guys here and especially Sean have been so helpful and kind.

Last edited by Pinklady (November 23, 2022 5:07 am)

Sean - thank you and I will keep the group posted!

Pink Lady,

Have you thought about why you keep taking him back?  

He certainly fits the picture of gay in denial and not being good to you.

Oh just remembered and wanted to add - yes I felt terrible about feeling repulsed too.  Thought it was wrong of me to feel like that but looking back now I think how come I put up with how he was with me for so long.

 

Last edited by lily (November 23, 2022 4:55 pm)

Thank you for posting Pink. My apologies as I didn't see your last, longer post. One part of what you wrote struck me, namely: 

"I forgot to add in my first post, the day I walked in on him masturbating and he said “how do you know i was watching a man?” We had a massive argument and the police were called by a passer by. He was arrested for domestic violence because he’d pushed me, he didn’t lay his hands on me but he used his chest to force me backwards. A few hours later his mother called me and said “my son is suicidal because he had a w*nk, everybody does this why are you bothered.” Now I know most people men and women please themselves and I have no problem with that. But it’s very unusual for him to make the statement “well how do you know it weren’t a man” I told his mother maybe he’s gay and she said WHAT! No way!" 

I'd contact a qualified therapist and/or reach out to a support group to determine if you're in an abusive relationship. If I'm reading this correctly, your husband pushed you and was arrested for domestic violence. End of story. Given what you've shared, I wouldn't let questions about your husband's sexuality cloud the main issues: this is so clearly a toxic relationship. Your husband is prone to angry/violent outbursts. He's clearly questioning his sexuality. Martial sex is infrequent and unsatisfying...and sounds like borderline assault if he's waking you up in the middle of the night to use you like some masturbatory tool. Straight people have divorced for much less my friend. Ask yourself this: would you urge your own daughter to stay with such a toxic man? Please consider the damaging effect this is having on both you and your children. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 24, 2022 4:33 am)