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- sharon647
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
I have also already seen 5 counselors. This has been going on for some time and I am at the "how do I get the hell out" stage. Oh, the one thing that I forgot to mention above is a very weird encounter. A friend of my husband's, her mother died and we went to the funeral. I walked up on my husband talking to a man and he is checking my husband out. This man called my husband's phone once and I asked him who and what he wanted..because I didn't know him, never had heard of him. Well, here he is at this funeral. He actually reminded me of the call and gets confrontational about my rudeness. Who remembers little stuff like that and it had been a little while since that occured. He was very weird with his actions and not very kind. Afterwards, as we are driving home, my husband starts telling me about this man or how he "knows" him......I never asked him for this information, it was out of the blue! There is something more than just "I went to school with him". Why would he go into explanation mode for something I never asked about? did I mention this man is also a pilot? coincidental? I don't think so.
Last edited by sharon647 (January 7, 2017 2:16 am)
- Séan
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you for so bravely sharing your story Sharon. Given what you've just posted, this is more than just gay-in-denial narcissism we're writing about. Your husband is an abusive monster. I'd recommend you call the Straight Spouse Network (773-413-8213) and ask to contact one of the three SSN locations near you. Looking at the SSN website (www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/), there are locations in Knoxville, Memphis, and Spring Hill. I'd call them today.
You are not a "loser" nor "an idiot" as you wrote in your first post. You are a very strong, courageous, and beautiful person who deserves love, respect, and intimacy. Putting aside the gay thing for a moment, is this the kind of relationship you want? Your husband is cheating, lying about it, and may be carrying one or more STDs. My question is: what are you getting out of this relationship? And more importantly, looking back at the last five years, are you ready to live another year, another five years, or perhaps the rest of your life like this?
Given the dramatic weight loss you've written about, your body appears to be reacting to the situation. I know from experience that my body told me when something was terribly wrong long before my mind caught up. Putting aside the issue of separation or divorce for the moment, just spend the next few weeks focusing completely on you and your health. I'd recommend contacting the Straight Spouse Network today or perhaps contacting some long-term members via private message or telephone. Counselling doesn't seem to be helping for the moment given that you've seen so many of them in the past. I'd also recommend you stop trying to engage in any kind of sex with your husband because he might give you a life-threatening STD. And I'd suggest you do simple things like get rest, make sure you're sleeping well, and eating well. Once you've taken care of your body and removed any chance of harmful STDs, then you can start processing what to do next.
Again, I'm so very sorry you've found yourself in this situation but you're not alone. Please keep sharing here. There are a lot of very caring people here who can help you through this.
Last edited by Séan (January 7, 2017 8:10 am)
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Thread Starter- sharon647
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
I only needed to be validated by someone who knows and I cannot thank you enough for the advice you have given. I will and do not take this lightly. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!
- Séan
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
You're not alone Sharon. Please keep coming back.
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Thread Starter- Séan
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Great post JK. You're an inspiration so thank you for sharing. How are you doing Sharon? Please stay in touch.
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Thread Starter- Sunflower
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Sean,I have a question for you. I am starting the divorce process and just received his financial statements from his Attorney. This included copies of his credit card statements. I learned some things about this person I have been married to for 31 years from these statements.
First off, I found out that he has a "friend" as he says, he texts her about 700 texts per month!! A friend? I think not. What do you think? From the statements I also saw that he has paid a membership to a Nudist Colony and also to Voodo Love, a swingers club. Here is a man who couldn't "get it up" for 20 years.What the hell is going on?
He got a job as a campground host in a gay campground, would a straight man get a job like this? After doing an autopsy on my marriage I came to the conclusion that he is gay after I put the last puzzle piece in place. I wrote him a really long letter stating this is what I had discovered, of course, being the coward he is, he never replied. I guess his lack of a reply told me all I need to know, am I right?
I wish Arizon was not a no fault divorce state. I am going to go after him anyway,right where it will hurt him the most,in our retirement accounts.
I am done dealing with this Hedonistic, narcissistic,sociopath.
Last edited by Sunflower (January 8, 2017 3:22 pm)
- Séan
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thanks for writing Sunflower. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I read in your other post that you're 71. Starting over is challenging, regardless of age so I'd encourage you to post your full story on this website and perhaps reach out to the Straight Spouses Network (773-413-8213) to find contacts in your area. With regards to your post, you've adopted an approach that has worked very well for other members of this forum: "I know you're gay and I'm divorcing you." You've very courageous and a wonderful example for other straight spouses. Given what you shared:
- He has a "friend" he texts about 700 times per month [about 20+ times/day]
- He has paid a membership to a Nudist Colony and also to Voodo Love, a swingers club.
- He got a job as a campground host in a gay campground.
I can't see why a heterosexual man would work at a gay campground. Regardless, you have proof that he's cheated, you've shared your feelings in a letter, and you're divorcing. As I shared in previous posts, you're right to move on because you could wait a lifetime for him to tell you the truth. If he's lied to you and himself for 30+ years, it's unlikely he'll wake up one day and apologize. Moreover, there are huge psychological barriers for both men and women coming out later in life. I've found that my 50+ year old friends still struggle with their sexuality because they're from a generation when being gay was ridiculed and sometimes illegal. I'm not trying to explain away his behaviour, clearly he's an *sshole. But it's unlikely he'll come out after hiding this secret for most of his life.
I hope that helps in some small way. Please keep sharing. You're not alone Sunflower.
Last edited by Séan (January 8, 2017 7:37 pm)
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Thread Starter- Sunflower
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Yes, Sean, you are right that I do know. Thank you for replying.
I am sorry I started a new thread on your thread. I thought I was starting my own.
Maybe I should just rewrite it,I will figure it out.
- Séan
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
This is an open forum Sunflower so feel free to post here as much as you like. Whether you post here, there, or everywhere, keep coming back and keep sharing EVERYTHING. I find that a huge part of healing is getting bad thoughts, feelings, and memories out of your mind and down on (virtual) paper. I'm also here to answer any questions you might have from a gay ex-husband's perspective. Be well.
Last edited by Séan (January 9, 2017 8:57 am)
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Thread Starter- sharon647
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
JK and Sean, thank you both for sharing your thoughts and advice. There is just sooo much evidence and then his actions definitely not matching the language. Sean did you treat your wife differently or more different once you thought your wife knew and thought she might expose you? It's like a punishment...the tearing down of self esteem, etc.avoiding any conversation that has to do with the relationship, walking out and saying I'm not talking about this. there is absolutely no communication AT ALL...unless it's the weather.
Last edited by sharon647 (January 9, 2017 12:20 pm)