Happy new year everyone. I wish you all another year of healing, happiness, love, and above all serenity. I am now 4.5 years post disclosure (or coming out to my ex-wife), we separated two years ago, and are now 15 months post-divorce. I am on very good terms with my ex-wife and I recently spent both Christmas and our youngest son's birthday with my ex-wife at her house with our three kids and her entire family (a total of 19 people). It was a very happy and relaxed evening. There is absolutely no tension with my former in-laws for which I am so appreciative. I can only imagine how tense it would have been had I held on to a broken marriage, my secrets, and seething anger all of which stemmed from continuing to hide my sexuality. Our three kids are now very happy after struggling for roughly two years years following separation. Reading your posts really helped me understand just how traumatic this experience is for straight wives. For a time, my (then) wife was forced into the closet with me which was excrutiatingly painful. This forum has also helped me appreciate the inhuman effort it took for my ex-wife to continue being a good mother while working, raising our three kids, and dealing with the end of our marraige. Few men could have handled as much. I'm reminded of a quote about Fred Astaire being such a wonderful dancer. The reply was something like, "Sure [Fred Astaire] was great, but don't forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did, ...backwards and in high heels." I've said all of this to her which I hope she appreciates. While we are no longer a couple, we are trying to be the best co-parents possible. Anyhow, I look forward to answering any questions straight wives might have for a gay ex-husband. 

Last edited by Séan (January 2, 2017 12:10 pm)

Thank you Vicky. How are things with you? I recently received a private message asking the question:

​"How do I know if my husband is gay or bisexual? When I confronted him, he claimed to be gay or bi-curious."

​Cameron started an excellent thread on this very topic called: "Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships." Here is a link that I hope will work: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=269. I'd suggest you read that because what I'm about to share is based on my own experience as a gay man married to a straight woman. When my (then) wife confronted me about my sexuality back in May 2012, I never identified as bisexual. I came out to her the same day. Given what I've read here, many husbands say they are bisexual or bi-curious when confronted with gay porn or proof of cheating.

I guess the question is more like: "I recently confronted my husband with gay porn or proof that he's been cheating on me with other men. He claims to be bisexual. How do I know if he's gay or bisexual?" My thoughts are as follows:

​1. It's unlikely you'll get an honest answer from a man who has lied in the past. This doesn't make him an evil person nor you a dope, this is simply a fact. 

​2.  Before delving into the question of "bisexual or not", I'd suggest focusing 100% on you. Discovering that your husband surfs gay porn or that he's hooking up with men on Craigslist are huge shocks. As such, you should get professional help, talk to friends/family, or try to share your story here to overcome the shock before making any major decisions.

3. Once you've overcome the shock of discovery, it's now time to determine what you want. Why? Because you are ultimately in control of your life and your relationships. As Cameron shared, following disclosure, you're likely going to be confronted with a request to open up your marriage. Therefore, I'd suggest you be ready to determine:

​a. Whether you want an exclusively monogamous or open relationship.
​b. If you are willing to open up you marriage, whether you'd be open to your husband having sex with other men.
​c. If he wants an open relationship and you want monogamy, what you plan to do for you and your family.
​d. You should also be prepared for the "I'm actually gay" conversation to keep from being blindsided.

​4. Now that you've dealt with 1-3 on your own, you can now look at the facts to determine whether he is gay or bisexual. Repeatedly asking your husband for answers probably isn't the best route because he's struggling with this question himself. Moreover, few husbands are ready to tell all so soon following disclosure or confrontation. You'll likely gain greater insight by writing facts down and then discussing these facts with a neutral party like a therapist or perhaps by sharing it in a forum like this. Many straight wives have been through this process so I'd try to contact one of them to discuss your situation. So without further ado, here is my suggested checklist for determining whether your husband is gay or bisexual:

​a. Did he discuss being bisexual or attracted to men before you married? If he's hidden or denied a same-sex attraction until you confronted him, this may suggest he's gay,
​b. Are his porn habits gay, straight, or bisexual? I find web histories don't lie.
​c. Do you still have an active sex life? If yes, this suggests there is still real (heterosexual) attraction. If you're no longer having sex and he's showing an interest in men or is even having sex with men, this might suggest more of a same sex attraction.
​d. If there was cheating, was it with both men and women? Again, if the affairs were exclusively same-sex, this would again suggest he is more gay than bisexual.
​
I should disclose that I believe bisexuality is real and that bisexuals exist. Denying bisexuals exist with arguments like, "It's a choice" or "His absent father made him that way" would make me, a gay man, the world's biggest hypocrite. But I do question husbands claiming to be bisexual, particularly when confronted by their straight wives. I've read many posts from straight wives who heard, "I'm bisexual" only to hear "I'm gay" just a few months or years later. So determine what you want from your relationship, plan for the worst, and look objectively at the facts. This is not an exhaustive list and I'd invite any members who have had experience with bisexual partners to share here. I hope that helps in some way. 

Last edited by Séan (January 3, 2017 11:55 am)

1. Did you face any issues with your ex and how she related to your new relationships?  

Many. ​My ex-wife and I are very friendly and are slowly learning to co-parent together. Near the end of our marriage, she became quite religious and her strong Catholic faith condemns homosexuality. This is something she has taught our children. She believes being gay is a choice or lifestyle. I am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend who I met while still married. My kids know I'm in a relationship, they know my partner's name, and they've made it very clear they're not ready to meet him. I only disclosed I was with someone because my two eldest kids had figured it out. I'm not pushing them to meet their new "dad" so to speak. My ex-wife is dead set against the kids even meeting my boyfriend. I am in no rush as I've put everyone through enough pain and I'm not sure that I'm ready yet. My boyfriend is pushing to meet my children but I've made it very clear a meeting will happen only when the kids ask for it.

2. Should I be open to allowing my ex-wife's lover (who is still married by the way and has her own son) to be a parent to my children?  She has a history of drug use, suicidal tendencies, and now adultery.​ Should I give her a chance and be kind to her even though every fiber of my being hates her?  Should I get an attorney and fight for full custody? Should I threaten to out her in hopes that she will break up with this woman?   

​I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm even more sorry I don't have any concrete answers for you. I think it's normal to hate the other woman, particularly after living through a hellish gay/straight marriage. I think you need to do what's best for your children's safety. But before starting a custody battle, I'd make sure you have irrefutable proof they'd be in danger if this woman is part of their lives. With regards to outing her or trying to break them up, that's a dangerous path because you'd then have two fights: your ex-wife and her girlfriend. I'd discuss this with an attorney before doing anything rash.

3. I'm getting over my love for my ex.. mostly because I now hate her for how she treated me before and during the divorce by cheating and lying to me.  So that isn't a big deal anymore.  

​Good for you. Are you getting professional help to work through your anger?  

4. Right now my biggest stress is trying to do what's best for my sons.  I can't handle the idea of them living in the same house as this other woman who I think is the devil. Any ideas or advice?

I think the paramount concerns should be your mental health and your children's safety. I'd do everything possible to ensure that you're making rational decisions based on facts rather than to get revenge on two women you (justifiably) despise. Have you already reached an agreement regarding custody? I don't know about the laws where you live, but most jurisdictions will only deny custody if a parent represents an imminent danger to the children. That said, you might have a very strong bargaining chip with regards to the still married (and perhaps closeted) girlfriend. If you have rock-solid proof of the affair, any court proceedings would force her out of the closet and likely end her marriage. I'd suggest discussing your concerns with a neutral party and perhaps a lawyer. If you are on friendly terms with your ex-wife and have your ducks in a row, I'd then discuss your concerns with her...without the new girlfriend. If that doesn't go well, perhaps you could use the threat of legal action to your advantage, but that too is a very dangerous game and I reckon you'd have to be ready to carry it through.

​I'm sorry I can't provide better advice and hope that helps somehow. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to write again.

Last edited by Séan (January 3, 2017 6:45 pm)

Sean, I am currently in a 20 plus year marriage and I am almost positive my husband is gay. He fits all the criteria mentioned in the posts I have read thus far. He is a master manipulator supreme! Every excuse for no sex. Also, about 6 years ago I found a laptop where his porn usage showed nothing but TG porn for years and it showed the escalation to Tranny escorts and adult friend finder. It just showed the progression of his addiction. He almost lost his job during this time. He became very cold and distant. Even as much to say not to touch him unless he gave me permission to. He has turned down blow jobs or any sexual activity whatsoever. He stopped sleeping in the same bed with me for over a year! He started talking in his sleep and this is when it became very apparent. He said, in his sleep, "I hate sleeping with her, I like dick." This is as close to a confession as I'll ever get. There is no intimacy, nothing. It's like I live with someone I do not know and he's just a roommate. He is not jealous of me (I'm no slouch. I get propositioned on a daily basis....which makes it worse. How can other men want me and my husband not give me a second look?) We have a soon to be 15 year old son and even he knows something isn't right. He refuses counseling and says I'm the one that's crazy and needs help. He will not engage in any conversations that need to be addressed concerning our very troubled marriage. I want out but he has isolated me from almost every friend I have and made me give up my lifelong hobby of horseback riding (he says it would hurt our family..as it would take time away). I feel like a complete loser, idiot! I've already been through my breakdown twice and now I feel completely empty and alone. I need your advice or opinion and would love to share other "redflags" with you...some of them are beyond disgusting. 

Well he is a momma's boy for starters. Most started when his mom was diagnosed with cancer, she passed away and then his dad died a few years later. He said now I can do what I want, I do not need anyone to tell me what to do, I have no one to answer to. I fully trusted this man and had no reason to dictate his life and I never did.  Any relationships he has had with women have all had a shelf life of about 5 years or less. He lived at home until he was 28. He was married and that ended when she committed adultery...wonder why? I came home one day and he had came in from work complaining of his hands itching (removed his wedding band and said he shouldn't wear it) and said it must be poison ivy...it was January! I live in Tennessee. Well it spread all up his arms, his upper thighs and buttocks. It broke out into the most god awful open sores you have ever seen. It looked like leprosy! He complained of one of his balls hurting...wow! He refused to go to the doctor but I made him go. He said it was from dead pigeons in a stand by truck (he works for the electric system here). Then his face swelled up but only one side at a time and his eye literally looked as if it were proptosing! A few weeks later the other side. He went to a specialist and it ruled out anything fungal. Now....he lays on the couch one evening and I notice pus or something running out of his ass! I have found bondage ropes, gay dildo, and tranny porn, and a pocket pussy hidden in our closet. He had stopped taking any calls from me or calling me, which he never used to do. He left a paper trail from atm card to places he should have never been and during times he should have been at work. There were things on his phone that should never have been there like myspace, bebo, and justformen and not to mention a ton of numbers that never matched anyone he worked with, family, or otherwise. When I checked his messaging there were numbers that were marked with picture attachments. He says that I put it there and was trying to set him up...no freaking way! Also, found new underwear that he would never wear normally(tried to say they were a Christmas gift from his brother...uh..we never have exchanged gifts!) and his silk boxers (he also never wore as long as I knew him) stained with semen, tucked away in his underwear drawer when I had put them away in an armoir before I found them with his regular underwear drawer hidden in the back. He behaved so strangely. Avoiding me even in our own home and also avoiding his son. If I watched tv with him, he'd get up and go to another room. The sex...laughable...never maintain an erection and if he did, would always finish himself - vaginal or blowjob.Also, during this time he asked me for anal sex WHICH HE NEVER DID BEFORE AND HE KISSED ME DIFFERENTLY. There was always some kind of ass play. He never would let me touch his ass though. The one time I did he got angry and said TAKE YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THERE- as if to say it belongs to someone else.He NEVER would look at me naked out of the shower. His coworkers started texting me for sex. I showed him and he said nothing. He came out of the bathroom one time and said he could live without sex indefinitely- (said no straight man ever!) Also had a stash of Cialis and was going to a men's hormone replacement therapy center....no sex from any of that. I was asked to have two breast augmentations and a lot of good that did. He never touched them. And definitely NO ORAL SEX ON HIS PART, he wouldn't even touch me down there. I was asked to let my hair grow out and change the color! Mind you that during this period of stress I lost so much weight it was scary. I didn't weigh 80 pounds and he never asked why I looked so bad or if anything was wrong. He had to close his eyes during any sex that was had and it was robotic.This is just the tip of the iceberg of the mental and physical torture and abandonment I've endured. I know you're not a shrink but you have expertise in the area of signs. I know I am not crazy. Oh, I am currently getting my BSN in nursing but it's because he wants to retire and get his helicopter pilots license. It's like I'm constantly having to EARN his approval, affection, etc...There is something screwy going on here. Oh, I have been screened for STD's it's one of the first things I did. Thank you for your input, I need HELP! Oh, I'm crazy too! I tried to seek help from his family but he's such the nice guy and it backfired. I don't really care because I know the truth. My family knows and they support me in whatever decision I make. They were shocked. As for the laptop, it is in a safe place. I came home to find the house had been kind of ransacked. I told him he'd never get it. So, that also tells me something. I am just his beard........ One other thing, his brother said some very sexual things to me at a cook out in my husband's presence and he never said one word to defend or protect me...I left. Also, he said that I had to forgive him but he has no remorse, and has not tried to redeem himself whatsoever. He has no guilt or shame whatsoever. I do not think I am in love with this stranger anymore. He has caused so much hurt that cannot be put into words. He can't even tell me when my birthday is. I was told that if I have to question his sexuality there is a good reason and I should fully trust my gut instincts.

Last edited by sharon647 (January 7, 2017 2:29 am)