Hey Sean,
Just wondering if you have ever seen a lump in the perineum area above anus from having forced anal sex? My bfs was clearly swollen on outside but he had no pain.. no redness nothing of that sort?

I think that that is a red flag. My ex gay boyfriend took viagra so we could have sex. I would think that your partner would keep having intercourse with you so you may believe he is straight. I will be holding a good thought for you.

Thanks so much for your response. I guess I am just searching for any answers, as the breakup was extremely sudden. He has suffered from depression for so long and nothing I could do would help him. He’d bail on plans with me, but it wasn’t like he was bailing on me to go hang out with guys. He just didn’t want to be around ANYONE. He stopped his hobbies. Everything. I don’t know if this is a sign that he is deeply in the closet or if he’s clinically depressed, or if the two are related.

As for sex, I do know he watched porn. Could that be why he never finished with me and always preferred hand/blow jobs? Again, he ALWAYS finished me first through oral or touching so it’s not like he wasn’t interested in it.

I apologize if this is TMI to be posting on the boards but I would like a second opinion.  Would a closeted gay husband willingly (and seemingly excitedly) be able to perform oral on his wife? Another question- would he be able to be turned on by his wife, just by looking at her/kissing her? Again, sorry if this is too private to be asking on the boards, I just don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

Last edited by carnation2976 (March 7, 2022 3:50 pm)

Thank you for posting everyone. In reply: 

Shh wrote: Hey Sean i should have said rough sex.. not forced..i understand your not a doctor but didn't know if you've heard of this be 4 or if anyone has when they receive to much anal sex? Or to much prostate stimulation. We have sex daily i feel down there and i could tell a difference..i think u sing he's my future ex boyfriend was kind of rude...n i feel like your being a little nasty.. if u don't want to answer the questions or if we straight wives are annoying you.. why are u on here?

I apologize if I offended you. You posted this on Feb 20th: 

At this point he knows I'm not happy due to his behavior, sneaky lies, I have so much evidence its ridiculous. I'm going to end it very soon. I can't live like this.

So I assumed you'd decided to break up. If you are still having sex with your boyfriend, I'd encourage you to use condoms and ask your doctor to test you for STIs/STDs. You can also get tested at a free clinic in your area. I seem to recall that you'd caught your boyfriend on Grindr, a gay hook up app, and knew that he was hooking up with men at gay cruising parks or highway rest stops. Is this correct? If yes, please only practice safe sex and get yourself tested as soon as possible. No relationship is worth catching a life-threatening STD/STI. 

Carnation wrote: I apologize if this is TMI to be posting on the boards but I would like a second opinion.  Would a closeted gay husband willingly (and seemingly excitedly) be able to perform oral on his wife?

Yes! What gay men avoid is penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, mainly because they can't maintain an erection. Over the years I've read about many closeted/questioning husbands who perform oral as a kind of substitute to PIV sex. And why? For two reasons in my opinion: first, by performing just oral on her the cheating boyfriend/husband is limiting her exposure to STDs/STIs; and second, he can claim they're still having "sex" but without penetration because a gay man simply isn't attracted to the female body. 

Another question- would he be able to be turned on by his wife, just by looking at her/kissing her? Again, sorry if this is too private to be asking on the boards, I just don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

Well we have to distinguish between a closeted/questioning gay man pretending to be aroused by a woman and the physical evidence of arousal (namely an erection). Using myself as an example, despite being gay, I was willing and able to have sex with my then girlfriend/wife in my 20s. Then sex diminished in my 30s as I explored having sex with men while also watching gay porn. In my 40s, I started having regular sex with men and stopped having PIV sex with my then wife, although I could still perform oral on her.   

Anniescott wrote: Sean, thank you so much for taking the time to read through my posts and for such a thoughtful response. I definitely have a tendency to question myself. 

Questioning ourselves is a sign of intelligence in my opinion. While I'd explore this with a mental health professional, it can also be a sign that you're in a relationship with a manipulative and/or abusive partner. In the case of relationships with closeted/questioning husbands, he makes her feel like it's her responsibility to fix/save the relationship. This normally presents itself in several ways: first, she feels like she needs to maintain a certain body type to please him in the bedroom; second, he starts to attach a lot of conditions to their lovemaking such as she has to shower, lights off, only certain positions, only certain days etc.; third, she finds increasing evidence that he's attracted to men such as porn or chat histories but she strangely starts parroting his bullsh*t excuses (he claims to be the victim of sexual abuse, he's just "curious", etc.); and fourth, she feels an overwhelming need to fix/save him (sometimes called co-dependency). If you find yourself in an almost permanent state of confusion with regards to his sexuality, suffer from insomnia, and feel anxious/depressed, I'd suggest therapy to determine if you're in an abusive relationship.  

He does perform oral sex on me and seems to enjoy it.

"Seems to enjoy it..." is an interesting choice of words. It's easy to gage a man's arousal because he gets an erection. As I wrote above: 

"What gay men avoid is penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, mainly because they can't maintain an erection. Over the years I've read about many closeted/questioning husbands who perform oral as a kind of substitute to PIV sex. And why? For two reasons in my opinion: first, by performing just oral on her the cheating boyfriend/husband is limiting her exposure to STDs/STIs; and second, he can claim they're still having "sex" but without penetration because a gay man simply isn't attracted to the female body."  

I'd say we have sex less than once a week, it's been about a month since we have now.

Again we need to distinguish between oral sex (which a gay man can perform) and penetrative sex (which a closeted man cannot). How often are you having penis-in-vagina sex? As I wrote above: 

"Well we have to distinguish between a closeted/questioning gay man pretending to be aroused by a woman and the physical evidence of arousal (namely an erection). Using myself as an example, despite being gay, I was willing and able to have sex with my then girlfriend/wife in my 20s. Then sex diminished in my 30s as I explored having sex with men while also watching gay porn. In my 40s, I started having regular sex with men and stopped having PIV sex with my then wife, although I could still perform oral on her." 

In terms of finding him submissive, he has told me on a few occasions to "take control" or "tell him what to do". When he wanted me to grab his butt, we were kissing with him on top. He physically took my hands and placed them on his butt, implying he wanted me to grab it. Some of his body language just seems submissive at times, like I could totally picture him enjoying being a sub with another man. 

Understood. I'd trust your intuition. 

Anyway, I really appreciate all your feedback. You have made some very important points in terms of the relationship in general and I will definitely be reflecting on those further.

Good luck! If any straight wives have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here. Be well!