Thank you for writing LMM and September. In response to your posts: 

1. LMM wrote: Thanks, Sean, because what you said here really validates me. I actually already had an unexpected phone call with him, a very long one that brought necessary truths out. When I asked, he said that he doesn’t have attraction to my body. He likes me as a person and our shared history. He pushes himself to get through sex now (as opposed to years of not having it). He’s basically just performing, wanting to give us the “happy” life.

While I applaud your closeted/questioning husband for speaking truthfully, this must have been very painful for you to hear. If I'm reading this correctly, your husband's definition of marriage with you is as follows:

- He wants to remain married. 
- He no longer wants to have sex with you. 
- He wants to open up your marriage to have sex with men. 

When straight spouses first discover their husbands "aren't straight", I often urge them to complete these sentences: 

- Love for me means....
- Marriage for me means...
- My ideal husband is....

If your two definitions of marriage appear to be unreconcilable, then perhaps it's time to consider separation/divorce. 

2. He wants to stay married.

Most closted/questioning husbands do and why wouldn't they? It's the ideal situation...FOR THEM. Most straight spouses aren't sexually demanding, do most of the child rearing, and keep the house. So he gets the cover of being in a heterosexual marriage while f*cking men on the down low. So of course he wants to stay in that comfortable closet. The question is: do you want to live in his closet?  

3. He doesn’t want to be single and live alone and doesn’t want to be with a guy.

Well he's already been with guys, likely for years. He's still using that Christian/Evangelical conversion therapy bullsh*t about it "just being sex" and "I don't want a relationship with a guy." Allow me translate all of this: "Please stay with me and agree to be my platonic beard while I f*ck guys on the down low." I reckon THIS is his definition of love/marriage. Too harsh? 

4. But he kept saying he sees that I deserve being with a straight guy.

Agree!

5. He’s trying hard to convince me that sex is only 1% of life, and that everything else matters a lot more.

Great then if he says that sex isn't important, then he can give up gay sex forever right? Wrong. He's going to make promises that he won't "act out" or "explore" but he's inevitably going to have sex with men again. And what percentage % of his day did he spend watching gay porn, messaging guys on gay hook up apps (like Grindr) (perhaps) cheating on you with men, and hiding all of this? If I were a betting man, I'd say that he spent more time living a virtual gay life than spending quality time with you and your children. He's drowning.   

6. The saddest part was him vowing he’ll really kill “that part” of himself, no more porn or anything, and he’ll be a good husband/dad so he can stay.

Bullsh*t.

7. I believe that all my years of praying, fasting, imploring God to heal our marriage are coming into play now. It’s coming painfully clear that the marriage is a sham, a cover. God can’t heal what’s not even there. God’s  mercifully setting me free from all the false hopes.

Ok so what now my friend? 

8. September wrote: Opinions please….Hello. I am fairly new to this page and I’ve been reading a lot of posts. For years I’ve been googling and YouTubing possibilities of what’s been going on in my marriage and this page is one of the only things I’ve been able to find that’s seems to relate to my situation. But since my spouse has not been able to give me a direct answer I am hesitant on whether this is actually the answer (him possibly being gay I mean). I’m constantly questioning my own feelings and thoughts. It’s hard to know what’s real and what isn’t. So hopefully you can help.

I'm sorry this man has made you feel so confused/disoriented. 

9. I’ve been married for a little under 10 years. No kids. We met in high school and dated on and off for a while. After high school he joined the military and was gone majority of the time but from what I can remember whenever we did see each other we would have sex.

Ok. It's quite common for closeted men to join the military as cover for their attraction to men. Questioning/closeted men often believe that being part of such a macho/manly organisation provides better cover. 

10. We married while he was still enlisted and that’s when everything pretty much started or should I say the sex pretty much ended.

Lack of sex/intimacy is the biggest red flag in gay/straight relationships. 

11. It was difficult to notice at first because he was always gone. But he eventually got out of the military and got a normal job. That’s when I really noticed a dramatic decrease in our sex life. Mind you this in my early twenties. We started out having sex a couple times a month, then once a month, then once every couples months, and eventually once every six months. So only twice a year. And it never got better from there. I would try to talk to him about it but he would never give me an answer and pretty much ignore the situation.

I'm sorry he did this to you. None of this is your fault. You deserve better.  

12. I was constantly trying to initiate sex. Trying new things. Dressing prettier. Working out more. Nothing worked. I would ask him if we could have sex and he would say things like “I’m tired” “later tonight after we take showers” but later never came. And I was left crying and feeling so lonely.

I'm so sorry he hurt you. Lack of sex is a form of emotional abuse. 

13. I started to notice a pattern. After him not having sex with me for months and months on end I would have emotional break downs thinking he’s cheating on me and I would tear my house apart looking for evidence but never found anything. It was absolutely frustrating. Then every 6 months he would have sex with me. It would make me happy and think things are getting better. But then the pattern starts all over again. This has been going on since the beginning of my marriage.

Good work recognizing his pattern. 

14. I’ve recently discovered some things but not sure if it’s enough to validate my suspicions. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe it. He had a male coworker/ friend who was openly gay and they had a pretty close friendship.

Another classic red flag. 

15. The friend bought him some underwear for his birthday which I thought was weird but at the time this was going on I didn't think my husband being gay was a possibility. Recently I found some messages between my husband and that friend where the friend screen shotted a picture of me and husband. Then used a filter to make me look like a man. He texted this picture to my husband and stated “I’d be down to fuck both” and my husband just laughed.

Creepy. 

16. I also snooped through my husbands social media account and found he had been having conversations with this friend through secret DM’s where the conversations get deleted right away. And the last piece of information is that a family member who was living with us at the time walked past my bedroom and saw my husband looking at a pornographic picture of a man. I’ve looked through his phone multiple times and have not been able to find anything.

More red flags. 

17. I've asked my husband multiple times why don’t we have sex and before I would get no answer. Lately he’s been telling me he has sexual anxiety and recently started therapy after I tried to leave him (I begged him to go to therapy in the past and he said no). He went to the doctor to get tested for a low libido and when all tests came back fine they recommended he talk to a therapist.

If I'm reading all of this correctly, your husband's pattern appears to be as follows: he starves you of intimacy; there is then conflict and/or you break down; and then he does the bare minimum to bring you back into the relationship. Once you're re-invested in the relationship, the cycle repeats. Is that a fair assessment? 

18. I’ve asked him if he’s gay and at first he got angry and denied it. I asked him if he’s asexual. Asked him if he’s just not attracted to me? If he had an history of sexual abuse. All answers were no. The second time I asked him he more calmly said No. In the most recent conversation we had he told me he doesn’t know if the problem is sexual anxiety or if he’s asexual (which I don’t believe he’s asexual because even though he didn’t want to have sex with me he would often ask me for oral sex. But i could be wrong). He’s told me on more than one occasion that if sex wasn’t so important to me then we wouldn’t be having these marital issues. He also told me I was too judgmental. All these things hurt and confuse me. 

This is called blame shifting and it's bullsh*t. He's the problem. He won't have sex with you. He's looking at naked men online. He has a boyfriend-like relationship with a gay co-worker. None of this is your fault. 

19. I love him very much.

I'd challenge you on this statement my friend. What exactly is your definition of love? Are you in love with who he pretended to be 9 years ago, or are you truly in love with the abusive man he's been for the past 9 years? 

20. And I just want to understand what’s going on. But I feel like he’ll never truly be honest with me. I’m also afraid I could be completely over reacting and be wrong about this whole situation.

Most straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" from closeted/questioning husbands. I don't think you're over reacting. I think your feelings are more than valid. If anything, he's under reacting. 

21. Any feed back would really be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

Rant away! That's what this forum is for. I'd suggest listening to a podcast interview I did last year: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. You might find some similarities between my coming out journey and what you're experiencing at the moment. Please come back and post again or perhaps start your own forum thread. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (January 27, 2022 4:59 am)

"I’m very focused now on raising my kids and taking care of myself as a single mom. I want a divorce. There’s so much freedom and goodness in seeing life like that, as hard as it would be at first. Everything my husband said made it more and more appealing! Everything confirmed how bad staying married would be!"

Beautiful LMM! Thank you for sharing. 

September wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to rely to my post. To be honest I’m currently in the process of a legal separation/ divorce from my husband. But I wanted to post my story here because I’ve been struggling with feeling guilty for thinking my husband may be gay when I’m not 100% certain this is actually the case. I just don’t want to make assumptions. I’m trying to be ok with the thought that I may never know the truth. But that’s a struggle within itself. Your feedback was definitely validating. Thank you again.

Thank you for the update September and good luck with your separation/divorce. Once freed of this broken man, fingers crossed that you'll find the [straight] man of your dreams. Be well! 

Sean, thank you so much for reaching out and interviewing me - it's been an enjoyable and healing experience.

I can absolutely recommend it, you are good to talk with.

and thank you for your words here - thank you.

Thanks for posting these, Sean.