Sad Mom asked for Sean's take.  Not yours.  You have made your perspective known on many threads.  Your experience of a wife who for whatever reason--denial? the social conditioning of hetero-normativity?--realizes she's lesbian late in life but never acts on that realization and stays in a marriage--represents the tiniest of minorities, yet you keep insisting that it be recognized as something like an equal possibility.  What you have to say doesn't apply to most of the men who come here.  Or to Sad Mom's son's situation, either.  

Hey team. This is an open forum so anyone can post here if they like. I am however reposting links to my last few replies so that those who asked me questions can easily access them. Here are my replies to: 

Sadmom: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=26209#p26209 
Virion (same link): https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=26209#p26209  
Zenobia: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=26242#p26242 

Be well everyone!

Last edited by Séan (November 12, 2020 11:58 am)

yes exactly, Longway - that's what Sadmom's family faces - a lot easier if he can get away now, he might be heartsore for a time but not emotionally stressed over a child he cannot protect.

Dutchman, not being able to label yourself a lesbian doesn't mean you don't know you like girls - I didn't know to label myself straight but my earliest memory of liking a boy is 10 years old.  That's pretty common, I believe.

oh no just remembered a sort of thing for a boy in my first class - so that's 6.

Last edited by lily (November 12, 2020 12:37 pm)

Thank you Sean! It feels so freeing to put it out there and feel heard!

Hi again, Sean.

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you for writing SusannaH, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In response to your post:  
1. I have a question from your last post. I guess it isn't a question, but a statement. It's  about what gay men do when exposed or disclose: (BTW, my husband is bisexual , not gay...we enjoy sex together!)  Please get tested for STIs and only practice safe sex with your husband. If he protests about using condoms, you can calmly remind him that he lied about cheating before and might be cheating now. I know he isn't; Had a polygraph & I had been checking on find my iPhone since he did his thing during the day when he was working all over town. Now, he's always where he's supposed to be & calls/texts me throughout the day.I guess my question is: are you having sex that truly satisfies you? Most straight wives who ask me questions no longer have sex with their husbands so it's more black and white. As such, I reckon you're lucky on that front. As I shared in my last post, I am 100% gay and do not identify as bisexual so I can't comment on his sexuality. However, there can still be red flags with sexually active couples, particularly when:  a. The straight wife simulates gay sex by "pegging" or penetrating her husband. b. The husband needs to watch gay porn before or during sex with his wife. c. The husband wants threesomes or wants to watch his wife have sex with other men ("cuck" fantasies). 
Since you read my posts now, I’m sure you’ve seen I’ve been tested.
We do have sex regularly & always have,....OH, and sex I've always really enjoyed!!!!  so that wasn’t the reason I posted. In fact, I really knew better after reading your previous posts (as we are trying to be positive about all of this & not negative.., as a lot of what I said has been either read wrong or had things read into it that I didn’t write:
If you read my posts, you saw my husband only likes oral sex with men. NO penetrating at all! So, we don’t do anything different in the bedroom. I’ve asked & he wants to have straight sex with me.
he doesn’t watch porn at all any more. He says it leads him to want to go out. (I've looked at his computer, etc ..with his knowledge…& there is no porn. I know how to find deleted items)
when all this first happened, he did say he would rather have an open marriage. I even considered it, but I’m strictly monogamous for all the ‘normal’ reasons. It is part of my basic makeup & he knows it. I told him it was an insult/lack of respect to ask that after going behind my back to have sex with men all those years & then ask my blessings to do it. So, he agreed & hasn’t mentioned it again. He won’t lie & say he would rather be monogamous, but he understands & says he would rather have our marriage intact. He's really trying. He's getting extra interests in the church, working more with others in AA, etc. Not everyone that was as bad off as he was stays that way. It took me a long time to start to trust him again, but every time I checked if I thought he might be lying, he was telling the truth or doing what he was supposed to be doing. It's totally amazed me, too. But, he is doing it, at least now.

2. Not that it makes a difference in my answer.  I think it makes a difference my friend. The most important person in this relationship is YOU. You are entitled to a relationship and sex life that fulfill you, however, please get tested for STIs and only practice safe sex. 

Whew, I just meant it was something I didn’t have to add (BTW,  you left out the part before that: We enjoy sex!)

3. “5. b........ “(my favourite) It’s just sex. I don’t want a relationship with another man.” My husband does NOT want a relationship with another man. This is called minimization and it's very common among gay-in-denial or cheating husbands. 

And, that’s your opinion.

4. This isn’t just something he says. He would only have impersonal sex with guys from the internet or the local porn video store. He’d go to the store or the guy’s house, do the deed & leave. He never even had lunch with any of them. Heck, he met a guy for 2 years because the guy was same age/ also married/ ‘safe’/ & could get there within 30 minutes every time 😑....and, he didn’t even know his last name. Ok. Let's turn this around and see if his logic still stands:  "He would only have impersonal sex with women from the internet or the local porn video store. He’d go to the store or the woman’s house, do the deed & leave. He never even had lunch with any of them. Heck, he met a woman for 2 years because the woman was same age/ also married/ ‘safe’/ & could get there within 30 minutes every time 😑....and, he didn’t even know her last name."  Question: would you still feel the same if he were having sex with the same woman for two years...at her house? I reckon cheating is cheating my friend. 

It reads “at the porn video store”, not his house. That's really different than going to his house. He didn’t even know where the guy lived. 
Yes, cheating is cheating. I said it wasn’t personal. It was VERY IMpersonal.

5. It’s also one of the reasons he decided to stay in the marriage rather than go out on his own & have sex with men. If he left, he’d have 20-30 minutes of “whoopie!” and the rest of his life would be bleh. He doesn’t want to hang out with any of these men at all. So, there are men who truly only want sex & no relationships. With all due respect, I think you're in deep denial my friend. Let's look at the facts. Your husband has admitted to a two-year relationship with the same man. That's not just a random hookup on a business trip. We're talking about two years of regular sex with the same person. He further admitted to having sex with this man at his house again, NOT at his house which means they likely met at your house I’m ill & here all the time as well. As I shared in a recent post, straight people tend to think that gay sex happens frequently and spontaneously...like some Roman orgy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Without getting too graphic, when two men have anal sex, there is a top (he who penetrates) and a bottom (he who is penetrated).Wrong again. As my texts say ..oral only.  The bottom has to douche/rinse thoroughly before being penetrated which requires a certain amount of planning. (TMI?) Your husband said his sex friend was also married which requires an even greater amount of planning/secrecy. So these "meaningless" home hook ups with this other married man required a great deal of planning, preparation, and paraphernalia (like lube/condoms). I reckon these two men exchanged a lot of text messages and put a great deal of planning into each hook up.  One text to the guy & one text back. That’s how I found out. There weren’t phone calls, nor more texts. Just the text saying “can we meet” & the one saying/ yes or no & when. that was all. I've taken the liberty of scanning your first posts here and understand that you have decided to stay with your husband. If you've been posting here for a while, you now know the risks. You also shared that he's been having gay sex since the "boy scouts" and has a history of drug addiction. Following discovery/disclosure, when a straight spouse confronts her husband with proof of cheating, most couples do try to stay together. Then there is often a "honeymoon" period during which he's a doting and faithful husband. But please be cautious. If your husband has a long history of cheating (with men), he'll very likely do it again. 

I’m aware that this is a possibility. He now knows just how badly it hurt me. He really didn’t think it would be so bad. Like you said, he came from a life that was just like that. I didn’t & it tore me apart. When he went through that with me, he promised he’d never do that again behind my back. & hopefully, his decision to stay in the marriage will stand the test of time. As we all know, it’s “one day at a time”….but, I do it my way… positive .
I hope that doesn't sting too much my friend. Please focus on the most important person in this relationship: you. And that means: safe sex; posting here; going to therapy; and sharing all of this with a fellow straight spouse, close friend, or family member. Be well!
No, it didn't sting. Even if everything you said was right, I could have taken it. Thank you for answering my post. I didn’t want to just disagree with you but with the misinterpretations I had to clarify. Thank you for your help to so many people.

Last edited by SusanneH (November 12, 2020 2:46 pm)