Sean,
I feel as if my husband treats me like another one of our children. He loves me but the day to day treatment of me is not unlike how he treats and shows affection to our children. Do you find that this is common in GID spouses? Thank you again for all the help you provide.

Thank you everyone for sharing. TangledOil (TO), you appear to have had an excellent relationship before your husband's sexuality became an issue. Sadly, most straight spouses posting here have terrible marriages even before the gay thing comes up. Here is the typical gay/straight relationship before the straight spouse starts posting here. Her gay-in-denial husband often: 

- Has little interest in sex (with women) 
- Watches gay porn
- Caught sexting/chatting with other men
- Caught having sex with other men
- Recent interest in physical fitness, new clothes, manscaping, and flashy underwear

What follows are my comments on your recent posts.  

Longwayhome ("LWH") wrote: 

1. When I discovered TGT, I allowed him to think I would consider opening the marriage. It's not something I'm happy or proud of doing but I had to learn the truth. Would he really put me through that kind of hurt/pain. It took 3 days before he already had a schedule prepared. Asking me questions on how he might leave the house during these meet ups, would I want a call when he was ready to return home...It was very traumatizing. I mustered my strength to ask my own questions. By the end of week one, he was asking how long it might take before I made my decision.

While painful, this is brilliant. It cuts through all the bullsh*t. If you truly want to know if your husband is gay/gay-in-denial, let him think you're willing to open the marriage so he can f*ck men. As LWH wrote above, it took her husband all of three days to plan a hook up with another man. Well played.  

2. Once I made my decision, he walked everything back and now denies everything he said to me, He also informed me that he was sexually abused in a park by a stranger when he was 11 years old. I had never heard of this until discovery day. So what eventually happened was if I chose to pursue the discussion - he played the victim of his sexual abuse and I was now so heartless.

Bullsh*t. Please see my previous posts about closeted husbands claiming sexual abuse made them gay. I don't deny that sexual abuse happens and is barbaric. However, if the following applies to your situation, I think a straight spouse can be justifiably skeptical about "I love d*ck because I was attacked by a gay guy" when: 

- He has a history of lying to you about his sexuality 
- He lied about his gay porn habit ("I was just curious")
- He lied about hooking up with men ("It happened once!") 
- He lied about his porn/sex toy collection ("Shoving dildos up my *ss doesn't make me gay.")  
- He claimed "I'm gay because I was sexually molested" shortly after you confronted him with overwhelming proof of cheating/porn/sexting or, similarly, seriously talked about separation/divorce. 

3. LWH wrote: I am of the opinion gay/bisexual man, like anyone else, are attracted to different types of gay/bi men, period. Different taste for different folks. My husband identifies as bisexual, he is attracted to men who resemble him (e.g. straight looking dudes, same type of medium build stature, height, penis size,. I'm truly sorry if that is too much info). It's what he told when he mistakenly thought I would go for an open marriage...It's amazing how quickly all that was denied once he realized an open marriage would not ever happen. 

Brilliant. Again, if a straight spouse truly wants to cut through all of her husband's denials and bullsh*t, just lie and tell him you're you're ok with an open relationship. I guarantee he'll set up a (male-for-male) sex date in less than a week. I also want to dispel this myth that being attracted to straight-acting dudes, rather than say drag queens, makes us less gay. I call this "lite beer syndrome." It's a bit like an alcoholic claiming he doesn't have a drinking problem because he only drinks Miller Lite. It's still an alcoholic beverage! Similarly, if you have a penis and your partner has a penis, it's gay sex. It doesn't matter if he wears makeup or has a high voice. It's still gay sex.    

4. TO wrote: I’m curious why your (LWH's) husband thought at one point in time you might go for an open marriage?

Because LWH's husband really wants to have sex with men. And I reckon it's even better to have your straight wife's permission. Make no mistake, once your gay-in-denial husband admits he's had sex with men, he's eventually going to start making noises about an open relationship.  

5. TO wrote: I’ve contemplated the idea a few times because my husband and I love each other very much and I have never felt the need to say no, but I can’t say yes to this and he completely understands and never expected I would say yes.

In my opinion, these are yellow (not yet red) flags my friend. I can't imagine opening up your marriage was your idea. I reckon he planted the seed/idea shortly after he admitted he was attracted to men. 

6. At this point he says if I would say yes he still wouldn’t do anything and I believe him.

There is a very easy way to test your theory: say you're ok with opening up your marriage. If he makes a date with another man, you have confirmation that he wants an open marriage. 

7. My husband said since we've been together he's only found one man attractive (in real life) and it's all personally based and the guy is a straight married friend of ours. 

While I'm not a mental health professional, I believe minimization is common among gay-in-denial men. I further believe it's a form of internalized homophobia. As I've shared in previous posts, "curious" means trying something spicy once at the Chinese buffet, not gorging on the all-d*ck menu for years. Curious is "I fooled around with my (male) roommate in college. We'd had a lot to drink." Gay is secretly fapping to gay porn for years, posting "hungry bottom" adverts on Craiglist, or exchanging d*ck pics on Grindr. While I don't believe this applies to your husband TO, I think we need to make a clear distinction between bi-curious, honest husbands, and a gay-in-denial toxic narcissist. A mixed orientation marriage may work with the former, but certainly not the latter. 

8. Oh, and I wanted to add that he finds guys who present at all gay or feminine unattractive. Like I said it’s unusual.     

In my experience, it's not that unusual for gay men to feel an attraction to "straight acting" or "masculine" men. On gay hook-up apps like Grindr and Scruff, you'll often see profiles like: "masc[uline] for masc" or "no fems" which means no "feminine" men. Among my friends, this internalized homophobia often manifests itself as discrimination against gay men who have higher voices. 

9. Karis wrote: ​I feel as if my husband treats me like another one of our children. He loves me but the day to day treatment of me is not unlike how he treats and shows affection to our children. Do you find that this is common in GID spouses? Thank you again for all the help you provide.

I'm sorry you're struggling Karis. While I'm not an expert, I'm happy to share about my own gay/straight marriage. As a gay man with no attraction whatsoever to women, I felt a kind of brotherly affection towards my (then) wife. We were like affectionate cousins living together. That meant lots of dry kisses, squirmy hugs, and sex felt like I was forced to copulate with a female cousin (shudder). I hope that answers your question and, if not, please feel free to write again. 

If you're a straight spouse, please feel free to post your questions here. Be well everyone!

Last edited by Sean (November 10, 2020 6:46 am)

I would think that not having sex with ones spouse would be a huge red flag. In our nearly 30 years we’ve never gone more than one week without sex other than once when we were both sick and about three weeks passed. He is usually the initiator. He would happily have sex daily if time allows. 

Thank you Tangled for your answers and Julian for the shout out. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here.  

Hi Julian, 

I do think all people are different, no two alike. There may be bisexual people that feel they need both always. I think most bisexual people come to the point in time where although they can enjoy both, can make a commitment to one. I think for my husband the final realization and acceptance that he was heteroflexable/bi (only in the last few years) and not just damaged goods from childhood sexual abuse, made him think he had missed out on experiences he could have had had he accepted that earlier. He knows and now happily accepts that as long as I’m alive he’ll never experience a man. Is there still some level of curiosity/desire that will always be there? Sure. Neither of us are naive. We also discuss how i now have a curiosity that this has aroused... what would it be like for me to be with a completely straight man? He fully realizes he’s not the only one that may feel he missed out. Food for thought. 

Tangled