Thank you for sharing Lily. I have a few questions:

1. Did you know your boyfriend/fiancé was gay before you married or did you discover the gay thing after? 
2. Are you still in regular contact with your gay-in-denial ex-husband?
3. Do you still live in close proximity to one another? 
4. Do you have children together?

I think your own story is unique. It differs from my story and appears to be somewhat different from most of the straight spouses I encounter on this website. Here are what I believe are the differences: 

1. Your boyfriend had already had sex, and perhaps even a relationship, before you met.
2. There appears to have been a fairly large age difference between the two of you.
3. From the start, your husband always thought of you as a "beard" (slang for a straight woman used as cover).

Let me know if you agree or disagree with my statements. Thanks again for posting Lily. Be well! 

Thank you for sharing Lily! This is a fair comment: 

"I do believe the majority of closet gays are using the straight [spouse] to have a family so that is a difference that he didn't want that but other than that I don't see much difference." 

100% agree. Whether the gay-in-denial husband (GIDH) marries as cover, to have a family, or both, we're still lying to both ourselves and our future wives. I myself knew that I was attracted to boys around age 5/6, but denied/hid/lied about it. Thanks again for your answers. 

Agreed! 

Thank you In Denial for posting, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. I don't have a lot of information from your post but I'll try my best to respond. Here goes: 

1. I have a  "I'm going crazy question". Or cant believe in me Is my husband gay after a 30 - 40 yr relationship with his gay friend ? In their letters they call it a "relationship." But my husband denies anything other then  "it only happened once....yrs ago."

I'm sorry you're suffering. I've scanned your main thread and think I understand the situation. You've discovered your husband's love letters to a gay friend. I also see from your other posts that you're currently in therapy. I'd encourage you to continue with individual therapy, but not couples counselling. Post discovery, you need time to work through your feelings before sharing them with your husband. I'd also suggest reaching out to the Straight Spouse Network for support and sharing your story with a trusted friend or family member. Finally saying, "My husband is gay" to another human being is usually a huge relief. As for your husband being gay, I honestly don't know because I don't have a lot of information. However, I can share that most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) use the "it happened once" excuse to minimize things like cheating and porn. I can also state unequivocally that straight men don't write love letters to other men...but gay men do.  

2. I found the letters.March 10th when my GH found out i knew.I said that we cant discuss until counselling.Reason ,i was still in shock, and i didn't trust my own emotional state, I told him i didn't want to freak out !   He agreed. Hindsight ,i did him a favor.. My GH has not said a word to me. Said i said to wait for counsel. Last week before he went away again.I said "its been over a month , don't you think you should say something to me. "Tell me everything" I said i've been more then fair He just stared at me and did not respond.

We've all tried couples counselling because that's what we're told we have to do when there is conflict. But we've all failed miserably at couples counselling as well for several reasons. First, no amount of therapy can change one's sexual orientation. Second, most GIDHs have spent entire lives denying their sexuality while also deftly manipulating those around them. Even mental health professionals fall victim to their manipulations. Third, most straight spouses force their husbands into couples counselling. As I've shared in previous posts, joint counselling is a bit like trying to swim for two. Your husband is drowning (emotionally) so getting in the pool with him this early means he'll just latch on to you...then drag you both down to the bottom.  

3. This week , he still says hes willing to go to counsel .But !  Due to travel. he had to cancel our April 26th marriage appt.Today ,i  re booked ,after challenging him on not being available. Now hes off again , i asked , "why haven't you told me everything".I said i haven't freaked, screamed , or threatened him.Just the opposite, im more dead inside the more he doesn't talk.He said , that i said wait for counseling  .I said i have not freaked,  and i will not give him my info ,But ! respectfully he should tell me what i know.His response "i told you everything:   "it only happened once ,Yrs ago".I challenged him on that and said i know everything ,and have all the proof.He said he would deny it  , and who ever gave me the info knows nothing , and  they're wrong ! 

While I'm not a mental health professional, it sounds like he's manipulating you. He's shifted the discussion from: "Are you gay?" to now arguing over counselling dates; a secondary and completely unimportant issue. He's also using your confusion about whether to talk now or wait for counselling to buy time. Given what you wrote, "Years ago I challenged him..." it sounds like you've been through all of this before. As I've shared in previous posts, gay/straight relationships share a similar pattern and that pattern is: discovery (of gay porn/cheating); confrontation ("Are you gay?"); his denials ("It happened once...I was abused...You're to blame...); and then reconciliation. Given my countless exchanges here, this cycle normally repeats three to five times before the couple separates/divorces. So what's my point? If you've confronted him about being gay and yet stayed in the relationship, he's playing for time. I reckon he's waiting for you to calm down and dutifully slip back into his closet.   

4. My GH ,always said 'If i ever cheated on him emotionally or physically , "we would be over ! Done ! Gone.  "don't let the door hit you in the ass" ! Today i reminded him of this . He didn't say a word. The continued silence & my mind is going crazy at times. Despite many $$$ for my own counselling.

I reckon it's time to stop looking for the truth from a gay husband who has lived in denial most of his life. It's time to accept that you'll never hear "Yes I'm gay" from someone so obviously mentally ill. Being closeted is mentally damaging, being closeted and hiding it from/lying to your spouse is damaging for an entire family. I think you should take all of that love, kindness, and caring and focus 100% on yourself. And that means: stop asking a cat (your husband) to bark (admit he's gay) because it's just never going to happen; continue with individual counselling; continue posting on this forum to get help from fellow straight spouses who survived and thrived; contact the Straight Spouse Network to find out about meetings/sponsors in your area; share your entire story with a trusted friend or family member; and perhaps try a 30-day separation from your husband by staying with friends or family.  

5. Im question everything , over and over again , what  i thought i knew and what i know now. The years of manipulation has taught me i'm wrong  , not him. Its me. Im questioning everything , Was it really only once ??? .Then i say" what the fk ! What the hell does that matter. " !Am i supposed to be OK with that  , esp when he would not be??? We're not talking about a women  that i can have a WW3 fight with .This is a man , this is a war that  i dont even qualify be in !. 30 plus yrs of TGT love / fight letters ???? What was that ???.Was that supposed too be the con't fight  over "the one time thing" ??? WTF ! I feel sick , hes still trying to drive this ship..Rather then respectfully let me make my LIFE choice of how i will handle his news. I feel SICK , ill sick ,emotionally and as time continues on,  more and more physically. His cont secret , keeps both me and my kids on his "fn"ship !!! 

This is emotional abuse. Remember: just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean that he isn't abusing you. Gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) are often toxic narcissists, I certainly was. And narcissists are most often attracted to kind, caring partners (often empaths/co-dependents). There will likely come a point when you stop looking to your husband for answers, simply because he lives in his own f*cked up parallel universe where men who have sex with men are somehow straight. Um...no. If you remove "gay" from your relationship, you can still ask yourself: 

- Is this relationship truly love? 
- Don't I deserve better? 
- Wouldn't I be happier without him and his abuse?

I think I also read in your main thread that your boys suffer from anxiety and depression. When you think about separation/divorce, please also consider that ending your toxic marriage will also likely end their pain as well. Most kids know more than we think, but sadly they become the prisoners of our own deceptions/lies. Please be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need In Denial. I hope I've answered your questions. If not, don't hesitate to post again. 

Last edited by Sean (April 16, 2019 9:05 am)

Hey Sean, I rarely come here anymore but I just happened to see this.  Good bye to you.  Thank you for your contribution.  Take care.
Vicky