Nuked & Sean. I just want to jump in here to add that quitting a "great job with massive benefits" and moving across the country could be his way of trying to avoid paying any court-ordered alimony and/or property settlement. Before your divorce is final and ASAP be sure to tell your attorney!

Match.com and other dating sites are trolling grounds for financial predators and not all live in Nigeria. He could be looking for a lonely, well-heeled widow to subsidize his retirement. That would allow him to avoid having income a court could tap.

Thank you Abby and Nuked for sharing. In response to Nuked's last post: 

"I seem to know that he's really Gay deep in my gut and there is really no other explanation for it. It would have been an easier pill to swallow if he had gone off with a man to live authenticity.  It would bring closure and validation, but this way it doesn't, and also who is going to believe me when he is in another relationship with a woman so soon." 

I think it's normal to want closure, particularly after a divorce. Unfortunately, few straight wives hear "I'm gay" from their ex-husbands and many spend years or even decades playing detective. I reckon healing truly begins when straight spouses stop looking for the truth from these highly damaged men who are often pathological liars. And the truth remains: straight men don't watch gay porn and straight men don't have sex with other men. Gay men watch gay porn and gay men have sex with other men. Thanks again for sharing Nuked. I wish you a long and happy life...without your ex-husband. Be well.   

Last edited by Séan (April 7, 2019 10:36 am)

OnTheMend wrote:

Hi Sean, Thank you so much for being so honest. I haven’t posted my story yet but I have a question. Let me give you a little background first. In January I found six gay dating apps that were previously downloaded on my GIDH’s phone. I filed for divorce and he moved out. He still comes over a lot and helps with the house and he often will spend the night. Nothing ever happens or will ever happen sexually again but for many years we did have sex. Not good sex but sex. Anyway, the other day I made a joke about us having sex and he immediately said “gross.” This really shocked me because for 27 years we were having sex and he seemed to enjoy it.  My question is how did you feel about sex with your wife while you were married? Did you think it was gross? I know you said in the beginning it was fine but what about later in the marriage? Thanks!

I'm not Sean, but I just wanted to say that your husband is a complete asshole. What a totally hurtful thing to say. It's not enough that he deceived you for years and tore apart your life? He has to insult you too? I'd tell him he isn't allowed to come over anymore. Reading this really pissed me off for you. *hugs*

P.S. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who would jump at the chance to be with you. 


 

Sorry, but I can't help but take issue with the analogy of being somehow 'forced' to have sex or be married to someone of the same sex and it being 'gross' or 'revolting'. It's a little off.

You and most GID spouses made a conscious choice. One that no doubt hurt your wife deeply even when she wasn't aware of what the problem was. If you felt that way, if the straight person in your analogy felt that way, they 'chose' that connection. Knowing intimacy would be part of that relationship. Knowing their spouse thought they would be loved and desired and not considered 'gross'. That's selfish no matter what your orientation is.

Frankly, I think it minimizes the pain many single people feel, gay and straight, when they choose loneliness over being with someone who they can't love the way that other person deserves.

I am not trying to troll you so I hope this doesn't come across that way. I can understand that visceral incompatibility, but I think saying it's forced relieves the responsibility for making a decision that hurt someone else. I think it's no wonder she feels confused by this. Because it was a choice. And who chooses to marry someone when they feel like that about being intimate with them?

Thank you for writing Whirligig and Stillhurt. In response to Whirligig's post:

1. Sorry, but I can't help but take issue with the analogy of being somehow 'forced' to have sex or be married to someone of the same sex and it being 'gross' or 'revolting'. It's a little off.

No need to apologize for expressing your opinion. We're all friends here.  

2. You and most GID spouses made a conscious choice. One that no doubt hurt your wife deeply even when she wasn't aware of what the problem was. If you felt that way, if the straight person in your analogy felt that way, they 'chose' that connection. Knowing intimacy would be part of that relationship. Knowing their spouse thought they would be loved and desired and not considered 'gross'. That's selfish no matter what your orientation is.

You're correct that I chose to marry a woman so I can only explain my point of view by sharing my personal experience. I married a woman to conform. Since my birth, every person, television show, advertisement, movie, sermon, and song extolled the virtues of heterosexual love. I started to have a sexual identity in my teen years back in the mid-80s. At that time, the message was clear: being gay was wrong; being gay meant dying (horribly) of AIDS; and gay men all look like Boy George. I was so relieved when I could have sex with a girl because my entire existence was "boy meet girl." I so wanted to be straight my teeth hurt. 

3. Frankly, I think it minimizes the pain many single people feel, gay and straight, when they choose loneliness over being with someone who they can't love the way that other person deserves. I am not trying to troll you so I hope this doesn't come across that way. I can understand that visceral incompatibility, but I think saying it's forced relieves the responsibility for making a decision that hurt someone else.

I don't feel trolled at all because you're very politely expressing your opinion. "Forced" is perhaps too strong a word. Let me express my opinion another way. There are countless straight men and women who fall deeply in love and then marry. Sadly, many of these "love birds" eventually divorce because they discover they're incompatible. While the passion may have been white hot at the beginning of their relationship, following divorce, exes often say, "God I don't know how I ever slept with that man/woman!" So while they were emotionally & sexually compatible in the beginning, most feel little to no attraction to their former partners post-divorce. Over time, their feelings and attraction evolve. It's roughly the same for gay people, if not a bit more extreme because the relationship is founded on a lie. So let me provide some context. As a closeted gay teen back in the 80s, there was zero incentive for me to come out. It was a much different time and I didn't have a choice really. I was 15 years old, lived at home, and didn't want to be Boy George nor die of AIDS. On a more basic level, I also didn't want to be kicked out and live on the streets which was a risk back then for gay teens. When I met my (future) wife at age 18, I was THRILLED to be able to perform sexually. While I didn't particularly enjoy straight sex, I was nevertheless thrilled to be straight, and I was so relieved to finally fit in...to conform really. But deep down I knew I was attracted to men, and that lie caused a lot of pain and suffering. I'm not trying to exonerate myself for marrying a woman. I'm simply providing some context for my decision to marry a woman and remain closeted. Yes it's very easy to look back with 2019 eyes at a 1970s or 1980s situation, but back then there was very little choice for little gay boys like me. So, many of us chose to conform and that meant dating, having sex with, and marrying women; despite my complete lack of attraction to women. Moreover, my homosexuality and self-awareness evolved along with society's accpetance of gay people. The more open society became, the less shame I felt about being gay, and the less risk there was of rejection for coming out. So what's my point? While I could perform mechanically in my youth, in midlife my true sexuality emerged. So yes I could have sex with my wife/girlfriend in the 80s and 90s. But as I aged, sex became less mechanical and more emotional. So what was tolerable in my 30s became unbearable in my 40s. That's what I was trying to express. Put bluntly, I just couldn't pretend anymore.  

4. I think it's no wonder she feels confused by this. Because it was a choice. And who chooses to marry someone when they feel like that about being intimate with them?

I completely understand your point of view. Unfortunately, sexuality isn't a black & white issue. There is rarely a 'gay/straight' switch for example. Coming out is a process, that can take years or even decades. When I met my girlfriend at age 18, I didn't consider myself gay nor bi. For the reasons I stated above, I couldn't be gay and was determined to prove I was straight by marrying a woman. So when I hear, "You always knew you were gay. So why did you marry a woman?" Here are some other statements with similar black/white logic: 

a. Why doesn't he just lose all that weight? He could easily eat healthy and go to the gym.
b. Didn't he know she was an alcoholic when they married? He should just leave her.
c. Her father was abusive, so why in the hell did she marry an abusive husband?
d. Why doesn't she just quit that job? She's so obviously miserable with that pr*ck of a boss.
e. Her husband is so clearly gay so why the hell doesn't she just leave him? 

I've learned that it's much easier to give others advice rather than follow it myself. Choices are often a function of perspective. Let me end this rambling post by putting this another way. I was raised in an English-speaking country to English-speaking parents. I didn't chose my place of birth nor my native language. Today I speak several other languages and currently live abroad. I am 100% fluent in a foreign language, and yet I still to this day have an English accent. I'll never lose it because I've had it since birth. It's involuntary. Gay people grow up speaking a similar emotional language when born: hetero. Unless raised by gay parents from birth, our entire lives are spent being told we should be straight. Straight is the default, straight love is "right", why wouldn't you want to marry a woman? Imagine waking up one day and telling your American family that you're really Chinese and now wish to speak only Chinese with them and only want to marry a Chinese spouse. You've chosen a language, culture, and partner they simply don't understand...nor do they want to understand in some cases. They simply have no reference for this choice and often struggle mightily to understand. Announcing I was gay to my (then) wife, family, and friends was very similar. I was choosing a language, partner, and culture foreign to them. This is why it is so hard for some people to come out of the closet. So some gay men like me choose the path of least resistance: we marry women knowing full well that we're gay and have zero attraction to female bodies. We think that because we can have sex with a woman that somehow proves we want to have sex with women. (This is why when most straight wives ask their husbands "Are you gay?" the gay-in-denial husband immediately tries to reignite their sex life...often after years without any intimacy.) It's as if from birth the choice was made for me to be straight, I was expected to be straight, and I wasn't strong enough as a young man to choose otherwise. So that's why I chose to date, marry, and have children with a woman. I hope that makes sense my friend! If not, feel free to write again.   
   
5. Stillhurt wrote: I was here in 2015. Destroyed when my ex husband told me he was bisexual and in shock when i reported him to the police when my son, 7 years old then told me that his father touched his private parts. Now, I'm divorced, have my three kids with me, the criminal case is over where my ex has access to supervised visits to my kids but the kids dont want to see him since more that 2 years ago. I've been trying to cope with all this mess. But it has been very difficult. I feel i don't have a closure of this chapter. He believes that going to the police was out of proportions. We don't have contact except for the payments he has to make support. 

I'm so sorry you and your children are suffering my friend. 

6. I'm wondering Sean if being gay made you think in touching your own kids. My ex said it was because of it he touched our son. Should I believe that? Or is he a pedophile?

No. I never thought about nor felt a sexual attraction to my own kids. I personally believe that homosexuality and pedophilia are separate. I am a gay man, attracted to gay men. From what I understand, pedophiles are attracted to children, often boys and girls. Unfortunately, decades of backwards religious and right-wing propaganda have blurred the lines between the two, largely in an effort to keep queer people from being teachers, adoptive parents, or from joining the clergy. When my (then) wife and I first separated, she sheepishly asked about my kids being around "my friends." I called her out: "Are you worried my gay friends are pedophiles?" I then explained that most of my gay friends have children or are g-uncles (gay + uncles). I reminded her that, statistically-speaking, our kids were at greater risk with all the Catholic priests she was dragging them around to see than with my friends. So in response to your question, I don't believe that gay = pedophile. I think that pedophiles are dangerous child predators, whereas gay men are dangerously good at brunch.

Thank you both for sharing. Please post again if I didn't answer your questions.  

Last edited by Sean (April 11, 2019 8:46 am)